Keeping Track of Dates

My second son likes keeping track of dates. If I tell him we are planning a holiday in 6 months time, he would ask me for the precise date, time of the flight, what time we need to get to the airport, what time does the flight arrive back home, and the list goes on. What I found out 2 days ago was that he also keeps track of planned holidays that didn't materialised.

Last evening, he said that we were meant to be catching our flight to the UK today. He teased me about being much better than what I had initially made him to believe. I had told him that I may have to stay in bed the whole day and could be too weak to do anything on my own. He acted out some bits of it, and said that instead I have been going to work. Hilarious. It wasn't a complaint. I suppose for someone who is very serious about keeping track of dates it was a way of processing that thought before purging it from his database. He came to my room this morning, looking only half awake to reminded me again that we were meant to be catching a flight today.

To avoid disappointing him too much, we keep the weekends spontaneous. The weekends are way too short and often times we end up not doing all the things we set out to do. I would plan quietly but only let him know once I am sure we are able to fit it in. That's usually how Sunday evenings turn out. The two younger kids would take their afternoon nap and when they are up, I will let them know what we will do. We usually go somewhere for a walk or scootering.

I think sometimes God works along those lines too. I can be so eager to know how the future unfolds - whether it will be within my set of expectations. It is easy to forget that life is a gift of mystery. I don't get to know how it will unfolds until it unfolds. But with God, I have that confidence that at the very least it will be a walk or scootering into the sunset. That ought to be good enough for me.


Ecclesiastes 3
11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

Back at Work

I decided to go back to work today. I did it with due consideration to the concerns that family and friends had. Two main risks - exposure to possible bugs at the workplace and lunch options to match the hygiene standards required for someone with low immunity. The oncologist also reminded me of the irony with chemo - because of lessening side effects after Week 1, patients can sometimes let complacency set in just when immunity troughs in Week 2 and 3.

I wore my face mask almost the whole time I was in the office. I stuck a red-coloured note at my work area to let everyone passing by know that I had low immunity due to a medical treatment and that I would speak to them on the phone if they have a bug. I covered my cup with a tissue paper because I hadn't thought of bringing a lid from home. I brought a fruit salad for lunch even though I would have loved some chicken rice.

Nobody in the office had any expectations of me coming back to the office during my 6 months treatment. Everyone has gone out of their way to show me their utmost support. They've been reminding me to rest as much as I can and consider working from home if I felt the urge to work. But as perverse as it may sound, I miss being in the office. Or rather, I miss going about my routine on a regular work week. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be on a family holiday if I could. But staying at home just to let the day pass makes me lethargic and restless all at the same time. Makes me feel more sick than I really want to be.

I may not be able to do this in the later part of the treatment. The doctors did say that the lethargy builds up as the treatment progresses. Which I guess is another motivation for going into the office whilst I still feel I can. My wife was concerned that I am underestimating the risks and being idealistic about things. I wonder where she gets that idea from? :) I think having the right state of mind is important. Not to be reckless, but to keep the mind engaged, without compromising on the necessary precautions.

I should also mention that right now both my younger kids are having a cold. As it is the school holidays, they are at home the entire day. Ironically, that means that the office may be a safer place for me.

Verdict on today? I felt energised. 

On My Menu

I figured that the most sensible to thing to do in dealing with the lost of appetite and nausea would be to turn everything into a soup. Liquefied nutrients would be easy on the digestive system and ease constipation, another side effect of the treatment. A variety of mushrooms, carrots, zucchini, tomatoes, pumpkin, you name it - all organic. Fish or mince meat for the proteins. Yesterday, I realised that it's the soups that were giving rise to the lost of appetite! They were only going to be good for me if I can make myself eat them every meal.

My sense of smell and taste has become hyper-sensitive. Everything I eat seems to taste salty even when I don't add salt or soya sauce. When I smell or look at a particular food, I picture how it may feel in my mouth and stomach, and that in turn triggers a response in my head and throat. Fresh fruity foods works up my appetite; starchy, soupy and fried foods overwhelms my senses. I now have a better appreciation of how my wife felt when she was experiencing morning sickness whilst expecting the kids.

I have some dietary restrictions. According to my TCM doctor, because I have a heaty constitution, I should be avoiding spicy deep-fried foods. I am to abstain from seafood except fish. Less red meats and avoid chicken because of the hormones. Avoid refined sugars and preserved or canned foods. As much as possible eat fresh but cooked foods. My oncologist said the same thing about chicken, sugars, fresh cooked foods and also suggested that I switch from white rice to red or brown rice. 

Bananas, mangoes and other peeled fruits have been the absolute life-savers for me. The doctor said that fruit sugars are fine. I eat them fresh, juice them, or make a fruit salad. I add a protein supplement to the fruit juice in the morning. I may try baking the bananas tomorrow. I could also make some sugar-free jam from organic strawberries. And what about poached pears! Besides fruits, Italian food seems to lift my appetite. I told my wife that I may resort to Italian every lunch time when I get back to work.

Right now, I have a craving for nasi briyani with a wide variety of curries. This would be against doctor's orders so I shall have to wait a little longer to satisfy that craving. I've already cheated today by sharing a slice of  Ondeh Ondeh Cake with my wife for our after lunch dessert. In reality, whatever the recommended diet, I will have to ensure that it sustains my appetite. Otherwise it defeats the purpose.  

My Marching Band

We've had to make some changes with the younger kids' arrangements at home over the past week. I have been teaching my daughter to bathe herself to free up some of my wife's time. I've swapped her clothes to a lower drawer so that she can also dress herself. She's been managing really well. Under the doctor's advice, the ensuite bathroom which I use is out of bounds to the rest of the family. This is to minimise the family's potential exposure to chemo drugs that I may let out. So the two younger kids use the bathroom attached to the guest room. And they brush their teeth there before bedtime without as much chasing required.

I've tried to keep away from them because my daughter is at the tail end of a cough. I don't think she is infectious because it has been almost two weeks since the cough started, but I have to be careful. This is tough. I really miss being around them. I feel terrible that they are stuck at home during this month of school holidays. I try to bring them downstairs for a swim or a walk in the evening so that all of us can get some fresh air. It's wonderful to see them happy playing with each other. Really lifts my spirit up.

As much as I try to keep them out of my bedroom, every now and then they will pop in to see how I am doing. They keep me posted on what they have been up to and reports any mischief that the other has been up to. Yesterday they each brought their drawing to show me. My daughter was upset that her brother had drawn her to look so tall that she reached the sky. She insisted that she is the better artist. At night they would march in like a parade around my bed, say their goodnights and head on out just as quickly as they come in. We also have this arrangement to FaceTime each other whilst they are having their bedtime milk.

When they are completely out of ideas on how to occupy themselves, they would just lie down at the corner of my bed. I would put on my face mask and enjoy their presence.

Beautiful Words

I was given orders by my TCM doctor to sleep early. So I have been trying but without much success. The last 2 nights, I rolled around quite a bit and was wide awake by 3am. The nurse at the oncology clinic said that it could be the steroids that they gave me to reduce nausea. A friend told me not to fight the insomnia and make the most of it. So here I am blogging after a failed attempt to sleep.

I thought I would do the easy thing this time round and just let you read some of the messages that I have been getting. Names removed to maintain confidentiality and I hope they don't mind me sharing their personal words.

This message came in as I gave in to insomnia tonight:

"Hi Tuck, Sorry to know abt your condition.  May God give you His grace n bless your road to recovery. Nth is impossible with God. He healed my mum of breast cancer in Aug 1995 while she was still an unbeliever. Her majong kaki friend went to pray for her when asked by my dad who was also an unbeliever at tt time. She got healed n my parents believed in the healing power of Jesus n went to church weekly fr then on. My mum also does her daily devotional faithfully n started to pray for pple. The first person she prayed for was her dentist who told her tt a pain tt she had wldnt go away. So my mum, as a patient, laid hands n just prayed a simple pray for her in the dental room. She got healed n it has been realised after praying for a few pple tt my mum has gifts of healing. Also, with a deformed womb due to two fibroid operations, I gave birth to my triplets at age 45. All r healthy n the pregnancy was almost a perfect one except for a pregnancy diabetes which went away after that. Again, nth is impossible with God. Keep the faith n keep thanking God for hvg already healed u while u are healing n u will be healed. I thanked God for a baby n he gave us three! God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good! Rgds fr Switzerland"

This from a dear friend who prays for me because he knows what it is like to deal with a long term illness:

"Ok tuck . I'm going to have my green tea with coconut oil. Then prayers with my mom. Then some light exercise. You rest assured. You are now safe in my prayers."

From a brave warrior who continues to march on despite a relapse:

"but when it does come again, you just deal with it and carry on. besides there are new medical breakthroughs all the time. To us, its just now a chronic illness. Just treat it everytime it comes."

This from an amazing lady who is teaching me to "build an alter of thanksgiving":

"Every morn in bed, I thank God that I wake uo in my own bed instead of the hospital bed. My fan is on, which means I have $ to pay my utility bills. Which also mean I got a job. Not enough dough to save but enough to meet my urgent needs. Well enough not to be trap in an isolation hospital room, well enough to eat most of the outside food. Thank you God for opening your gate of heaven & pour out your blessings on me. Then I go on to pray for u & those whom I say I will pray for."

There are so many more who are diligently praying for me. God is just pouring out His love from everlasting to everlasting. 

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children— Psalm 103:17

Conversations

Day 2 of chemo. As the session started this morning, I got a call from Australia. It turned out to be someone I've not caught up with for more than 25 years. Quarter of a century, think about that. It was a short call but it reminded me that there are lots of people out there who cares and who are concerned. It is a slippery slop to isolate yourself and feel that nobody else understands. In my opinion, that is an untruth to tear down even with cancer. Sometimes other people's life experiences may be so bitter that all they are able to say to you is that they understand.

Yesterday, after I had time to download my emotions of possibly meeting my aunt, I felt ready to meet her. She came in the evening together with a few of my cousins. It was so good to see them. They were relieved to see that I was okay. My aunt reassured me that medical advancements and Jesus will get me through this. When they were leaving, my cousin sister told me that my aunt was very worried when she heard about my condition. It is not hard to understand why; she has known me right from the time I was a newborn. Sometimes, it is better to face the emotions with a bit of preparation than to hide from it.

There can be many opinions on what the best course of action is, what are the do's and dont's. Conventional or alternative, western or TCM or both. Raw salads and juicing or everything in a capsule. Every person speaks from their own experiences, each unique. I decided earlier on that I would be open to listen. At times when you are so sure about something, you want to avoid listening to views that confuses you and bring you back to the state of indecision. But if something is important enough, there is time for some indecision. Nobody takes away your decision by telling you something. I find that it helps if you ask clarifying question so that people tell you more about their own experiences. I have certainly picked up some good tips along the way.

I am very appreciative of all the messages and suggestions received. Don't feel awkward about asking me anything if you really want to. That was the reason I blog about my condition, so that we can just be comfortable talking.

Facing It

Several days back, I was trying to place my thoughts on how I felt facing my first chemotherapy session. It took awhile. I scanned my memories but nothing turned up. I wasn't screaming so dramatic wasn't what I was looking for. I was pretty positive but it would be fecicious to think it's a walk in the park. What sums it up for me? 

Two days back I found that thought. It was the memory of mom bringing me for my first visit to the dentist. I was not in school yet at that time. We lived in Old Klang Road in Kuala Lumpur and had to take a public bus to Brickfields. The government dental clinic was in Jalan Pantai so we had to take a short walk from the bus stop. And it is the image of this walk that played in my head. My mom was walking slightly ahead holding my hand. I see her back profile as she gently tugged me along. I remember asking her the classic  first dental visit question "Will it be painful?" And she gave the classic mother response "The jab will feel like an ant bite. The rest will be okay." I was still analysing but it was reassuring to hear her say that.

This morning as I was in the midst of my treatment I received well wishes from my cousin who just found out about my condition. He mentioned that my aunt, my mom's eldest sister, happened to be in town and wondered if they should visit me. My aunt reminds me a lot of my mom. They were very close and similar in many ways. I remember how she came over to visit me when I caught German measles as a child and applied egg white on my skin to reduce the itchiness. Eggs on measles, you have to try that one. I have fond memories of the Chinese New Year brunches at her home. I really do want to see her but I told my cousin that if I saw Yee Ma face to face I would just break down. It would like breaking the news to my parent if they were still around. Whatever drugs they are giving me right now, it is making me emotional.

Today, God is holding my hands. He too is walking ahead. With nail pierced hands, He too is assuring me that I am in good hands. With kindness He is telling me that He is right here in my midst. I don't have to tell Him anything if I can't find the words because He know exactly how it feels. I don't have to contain my emotions because He laid bare his emotions when He was hung on the tree for me.

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint

Getting Ready

Yesterday I got into the office early. I am usually up by 6am, the kids didn't have school and there were a couple of things I wanted to finish up. The first thing I did was to put a note into my calendar to remind me of the things I had to do before I leave the office in the evening. I wouldn't be coming into the office at least for the next two weeks and possibly longer depending on how I respond to the chemotherapy.

It felt like my final day at work and I was relocating to some other part of the world. My siblings visited me, friends asked me out for lunch and dinner, colleagues popping by to extend their best wishes. One of them talked about her one-month trekking adventure in Nepal and how the thoughts of glorious Singapore food kept her going when it got really tough and demoralising. Made me laugh. Another friend took me to an organic shop because I wanted to get soursop tea. Yet another bought me a medicinal plant. Many said a prayer for me over lunch.

At home, it feels like we were preparing for a state-imposed curfew. Not quite sure what to expect, we are hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Reorganising the responsibilities at home as well as our diet. Stocking up on supplements in case I completely lose my appetite. Bought my second son a pair of new shoes in case I am not well enough to go out when his current shoes give way. I can't override the attachment he has to his current shoes so we did the next best thing. I also bought my daughter's birthday presents in advance. I think you end up buying better presents when you are in a better state of mind. We shall see.

This morning my second son woke me up. He showed me a note and a present my elder son had left on the dining table for me. He had to leave home early in the morning for a camp at school and would be away for a few days. In his note he explained that he would not be around when I start on the chemo. He signed off the letter with "I hope this is encouraging. Love you". I think I am as ready as I can get.


"This is my Father's world. 
O let me ne'er forget 
that though the wrong seems oft so strong, 
God is the ruler yet. 
This is my Father's world: 
why should my heart be sad? 
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! 
God reigns; let the earth be glad!"

Family Planning

On my first visit to the oncologist, he explained a number of things to me - the basics of cancer and lymphoma, the types of treatments and the do's and don'ts of chemo. He also asked me a number of questions including some which made me wonder why - what do I do for a living, how many kids do I have, their age and gender. When I was settling the bill, he asked a final question, whether I had "finished my family planning".  Besides a chuckle, I didn't hesitate to tell him that we were done having kids. But not wanting to assume, I did ask my wife when I got home that evening.

It did make me think - a single living cell can form into a complete person, and a single cell if it mutates without self-destructing can take a complete life. That is all it takes, a single cell to kick off life-altering events. Crazy stuff. I read what a doctor said in a recent Humans of New York Facebook post "The extraordinary thing is that cancer doesn’t happen more often... There are numerous fail-safes at every level to prevent mistakes. How is it possible that it ever works correctly?" 

I am reminded of what the book of Genesis records for us. In the six days of creation, God saw what He had created and they were all good. Every cell and every molecule, they were good. Not certain that everything was good looking by our current human standard, but they were all good - no mistakes, no blemishes, no 14-18 chromosomal translocation which is characteristic of follicular lymphoma. There was a time when everything was just good. I believe this and I believe that this is the reason why "cancer doesn't happen more often". Our world, although fallen, still echoes God's amazing good works. Over the ages, the not-goods of this world haven't overcome the good works of God.

Sometimes, it is easy to lose sight of the goodness of life because God exists. With all the horrible things happening around the world today, it is not difficult to conclude that there isn't a God or if he exist, he certainly isn't in control. I did it once before, I un-believed that God exist. But then some crazy stuff happened and I realised that God can speak loudly. Everything that is good speaks of God, and everything that is not as good as it can be speaks of our need for God.

Doctors Visit

I am lying on my back with which a coffee machine and a printer near my head. I've just finished a bone marrow biopsy. To stop the bleeding, I need to keep the pressure on the spot where they poked the needle. They numbed the area before the procedure but the imagery which I conjured when I felt the tugging and twisting wasn't so pleasant. The sensation of something grinding against my bone was a bit like listening to fingernails scratching against the blackboard, for those old enough to know what a blackboard is. Also, I shall have to carry the heavy burden of exposing my buttock to a female other than my wife. It's good to just say a little prayer and think good thoughts.

I did a couple of tests including this biopsy to prepare for the chemo. I've arranged for the doctor to delay the first cycle by a week so that we don't have to change the arrangements for the morning school rounds just a week before end of term. It also gives my poor wife the time to adapt to the changes during the school holidays. The practical aspects of dealing with a medical condition.

I am glad I have another week of doing what I can with the kids. More for me than for them. I will get my wife to video more of their playful and crazy moments. I hope the rest of you will do the same.

The Results

Life got a little more complicated for me early this week. The biopsy I did more than a week back indicates that I have lymphoma. Although the final report is not out yet, the tests so far suggest that it is a low grade sub-type. The doctor said that if I had to have lymphoma this was the type I would want to have. I took in the news a-matter-of-factly. I don't think it was courage; I did some form of mental gibberish calculation in my head and concluded that this was going to be okay but quite inconvenient. There is a fine line between optimism and denial, and I am not quite sure which side I am on.

Today I had to explain to my two younger kids why we may have to cancel our family vacation to the UK in June. My son asked me what the doctor needed to do to me. I explained that they had to give me a strong medicine to kill the white blood cells that have turned into mutants. He understood and hid his disappointment well. We agreed we will get a Lego set instead.

I don't have the benefit of knowing what lies ahead in life. This is my detour and I have to let my faith be my sight in these unfamiliar terrain. I take comfort that Jesus knows exactly what I am about to go through. I am also glad He has an answer for me whichever way this story unfolds. In the mean time I am going to follow my daughter's stern reminder a moment ago. She wanted do have some milk and I asked her to ask Mommy. She said "Didn't Jesus give you these legs? Can't you walk?" So I got up and got the milk for her. I shall march on with whatever God has given me.

Thanks for the overwhelming support I have received and please keep me and my family in prayer.

Day Surgery

I always thought that biopsies were keyhole procedures. When the doctor suggested the procedure, I assumed that he would just be sticking something into my neck whilst I sat quietly in his clinic. But he explained that it was a day surgery involving sedation, and I would be in the operating theatre. So yes I would be quiet but no I wasn't going to be sitting upright. But I am not wimpy - I have been in an operating theatre twice before and faced it calmly. Watching my two younger kids being yanked out from my wife's abdomen during c-sections isn't something that everyone can stomach so I consider myself initiated.

Although this was supposed to be a fast and simple procedure I was nevertheless conscious of my mortality. I took a good look at my three kids and wife before I left home in the morning. They are precious and in good hands. The rest of the day at the hospital gave me a lot of time to gaze at the ceiling. I went to the hospital in shorts, t-shirt and flip flops but even then I had to change into something more basic. The nurse's instruction was to change into the blue operation gown, put on the disposable "panties", and remove the watch and all jewelleries. I thought she was generalising when she referred to "panties", but later I realised that maybe she wasn't. I guess I wouldn't be the first guy wearing one. It really puts things into perspective. Whatever you think you own and however good you think you look, you can't bring any of this into an operation. Perhaps a glimpse of what entering the pearly gates is like, you don't get to talk about what a superstar you were or what you owned.

I always wondered what it would be like to be sedated. Would it feel like I would struggle to remain consciousness as consciousness is taken away from me, like in one of those spy movies? Would the doctor check if I was conscious by asking me if I was conscious? And what if I felt conscious and wanted to tell him not to start? In my case, he asked me if I felt anything, and I said yes as I was beginning to feel a need for a good nap.

This was a minor surgery and I wasn't particularly anxious, well maybe I was anxious about whether they would serve me the chicken porridge I ordered for my post-op lunch. But lying on the operating table, looking up at the many clusters of operating theatre lights, I was reminded that the membrane between this life and the next is paper thin. This life is real, so is the next.

Her Way with Words

She has a way with her words. Each weekday morning as we leave the home, my daughter would wish my wife,"Good-bye mommy, I love you". One morning, I decided to ask her why she never says that to me when I drop her off at her class. She explained that she only says that when she is leaving the home and the class wasn't home. We both knew that wasn't true so I confronted her whilst we were going down the lift. "Is it because mommy is your favourite?" I asked in my monster-like tone. "No that is not true," she denied it with a snigger. Two days later, when she was alone with my wife she said to her "You know I love Mommy". And after a bit of hesitation she said "But please don't tell Daddy that".

I couldn't leave this hanging in the air. So this morning I said to her "I know I am not your favourite".  She responded with "You are my family". She realised that wasn't going to be quite enough of a good response so she added "Daddy is my favourite". But even before she finished that sentenced she corrected herself "No, Mommy and Daddy are my favourite".  I am never going to win that one.

A week back, she came into my bedroom pretending to be flustered by her thoughts and ask me "Where is God?" I wanted to laugh but this was a very fair and deep question, so I kept a straight face. She put both her hands on her head and slummed onto my bed asking me "Is God invisible, where is He?" I offered her the simplest answer I knew "God is everywhere and you can see Him through everything He has made including you". She didn't give time for the answer to sink in. She ran out of the room repeating the question to herself "Where is God?"

The next day, after Sunday School, she showed me a worksheet they used in the class. Pointing to a maze, she explained that "Jesus was going to a party to meet people". The maze depicted Jesus going to the home of Zacchaeus, the tax collector. She found her answer to where God is and what He was doing. And I found that hilarious.

It is amazing what is in the mind of a little girl, and what they choose to reveal to you.

What Are You Good At?

I brought the two younger kids for swimming this morning. As we were heading out the door, my son asked me a random question "What are you good at Daddy?". I thought for moment and asked him whether he meant if I had a hobby. I was hoping that that was his question or I would have difficulty making up an answer. 

A few evenings ago, I took the both of them to the dentist. They both had cavities that needed filling. After fixing their teeth, the doctor suggested that I should buy less sugary snacks for them. I nodded in agreement. Some room for improvement there for me; certainly not what I was good at. The doctor also asked me what time the kids normally went to bed. Perhaps he was surprised that the kids were still alert and active at 8.30pm whilst he was treating them. I hesitated for a second before I told him that they go to bed at 10.30pm. The doctor was surprised and asked me if that was because they take a nap during the day. I was glad he reminded me; I explained that they do take a long after school nap. Not great but not bad either.

That evening as I was chasing the kids to get ready for their bedtime, my son said this with a cheeky smile "You told the dentist that we go to sleep at 10.30". I gave him my usual monster stare and he couldn't contain his laughter. He caught me telling a white lie. I told him that he and his sister got me into trouble with the dentist because they refuse to sleep early.

So what am I good at? Before I could answer my son's intended question, my daughter offered some suggestions, as if she was answering the question on my behalf " Take care of us? Cook for us? Take us out?" My heart swelled up with pride and I thanked her for being so kind. 

I can't honesty say that I am great at parenting but I am glad the kids are appreciative of the effort.

Weekend Cooking

Each weekend, I spend between three to four hours cooking a couple of dishes. These aren't for a homely weekend meal with the family.  These dishes go into the freezer for consumption during the weekdays. We've not had domestic help for many years now and this is one of the arrangements to get around a time-deficit work week.

As you can imagine, there are downsides to this arrangement. My traits at the workplace manifest themselves when I am in the kitchen. Those who know me from work will tell you that I like to keep things simple. Over-complicating things only lead to confusion. The other thing that my colleagues would say about me is that I like a modular approach to most things I do. Design self-contained modules that can be used and re-used. I cook the mince meat on its own so that it can be used in the porridge, or mixed-in with the fried cabbage, or with spaghetti sauce. Stir-fry two types of vegetables and they can be mixed-and-matched with the meat or the poultry to give you at least four different combinations of a balanced meal. 

Monday's are predictable - a meat and vegetable soup slow cooked overnight. Whilst we can't have soup for every meal, I am determined to have it at least one day of the week. It's not because I have Cantonese blood from my mother's side of the family, but simply because it's one less thing to think about on a Sunday evening - meat, root vegetables, onions, all in a pot and I am done. It's my sons' least favourite meal of the week, but I will keep at it so long as my daughter still enjoys it. When my sons give me the stare, I just tell them,"eat it, because it is good for you". 

Someday, when my kids get invited to their potential in-laws' home for dinner, they are going to realise that other families' meal times are quite different. When that happens, I hope they will see the humour in it and find it in their heart to forgive me. I hope that they will also understand that good tasting or not, it was a labour of love.

Bit by Bit

My eldest son started his academic year in a new school recently, after a two month break. On the first day I suggested that we should leave home together as I was walking my second son to school. He wasn't keen; perhaps he didn't want to be known as the new boy whose father took a video of him setting foot into the school premises.  But why would I do that? Openly? Well we will never know now. On the first day each year the new students are greeted by a team of cheerleaders at the school entrance. Maybe I will video him cheerleading next year instead.

He completed his aquarium project the day before he started school. He spent weeks planning and researching on the tank and equipment, and how to create an ecosystem for the fishes. There were certain weekends when he was out the whole day with his aunt hunting for things that he wanted. I have never seen him quite as determined or excited about something. The aquarium sits in his room and these days, rather than avoiding his room, we all take turns visiting his room to admire his fishes. He's made effort to keep his room tidy partly because it was one of the conditions I set for starting an aquarium. Or perhaps he is just too shy to let his fishes stare into a chaotic outer world from their habitat. Bit by bit, he is changing his surrounding, and his surrounding is changing him.

When I walk home after sending my second son to school, I will take a quick glance into the secondary school where my eldest son studied. It will remind me of the mornings when he sat at the outdoor assembly area talking to his friends before the school day starts. Although he isn't in that school anymore, it still feels like he is. It feels like if I looked hard enough, I would see him amongst the kids. I get sentimental over such things. Or maybe it is not so much about wanting to hold on to the past as much as it is about accepting that this is a glance into the future. Bit by bit things are changing.

Independence

I thought this only happens in cartoons. Peanuts perhaps. This morning as I was walking my second son to school, I noticed a schoolboy who was walking ahead of us accompanied by his family helper. In his arms he was holding a bolster. From its size, my guess was that he has had this bolster since he was a toddler. It looked clean, but the slightly faded colours suggested that it has been well used. It intrigued me. I wondered what would happen when he got to school.

After about two minutes we got to the assembly area where the school kids make their way to the respective class queues. I gave my son a hug and a peck on the head and sent him off on his way. As I waved goodbye to my son, I saw the schoolboy hand over his bolster to the helper, take a big and deep sniff of it before letting it go. He looked satisfied and ready for his day ahead. His bolster was his confidence booster. If there was someone who knew what was important and didn't care what other people thought, it was this boy.

My guess is that one day this boy will get teased by his school friends and he would immediately stop bringing the bolster for his morning walk to school. My guess is that when that happens, he will put up a brave front and breathe calmly even though he feels like he is about to suffocate. My guess is that on that day the helper will be equally anxious as she sees this boy grow up right before her eyes. Perhaps she will sense that the inevitable has arrived, and accept that he will no longer be the same little boy she's grown so accustom to.

Whether as parents or grandparents, aunts, uncles or helpers, we are proud to see the kids grow into independent individuals. Yet these proud moments often leave us with very mix feelings - the sense that time has passed us by too quickly. When we turn back to take a second look, we no longer see the child we knew before. I certainly have this feeling when I walk my second son to school as it often reminds me of the time when I fetched my eldest son to school. Yet in only a couple of days, my eldest son will find out which pre-university college he will be posted to. In a blink of an eye. My consolation is that my daughter, the youngest in the family, is so much younger. Even so, she is fiercely independent.

 

Interesting Week Ahead

Tomorrow should be interesting. It is my first day at a new work place. The last time I changed jobs was close to a decade ago so this is virtually a new experience for me. My friend who is also a headhunter recently joked that it would be extremely difficult to make a decent commission out of me because I seldom change jobs. I've had slightly more than a week off work, which just flew by. I spent it settling the younger kids in their new school year and got round to some of the chores that I have been putting aside. Instead of living out that dream of a month on a beach in Bali, I've at least cleared the mess in my living room. I even put together a starter's pack for my first day of work - a Uniqlo tissue box just because I had some to spare, a charger for my not so power efficient mobile phone, a glass mug which has been with me since my first job in Singapore, and a daily devotional calendar which I got from my executive assistant last Christmas. I feel ready.

But what is probably more exciting is that my eldest son is getting his O Levels exams results tomorrow. The thrill of the unknown, the path that awaits, closure after many months of effort, but most of all thanksgiving for witnessing this milestone in his life. There are many hills, mountains and valleys in a person's life journey. This is that time where we all take a pause and thank God for keeping us in one piece even if there may have been some cuts and bruises along the way.

I miss the slightly chubby little boy that entered secondary school just four years ago. He was chatty, cheerful and loved food. He is still chatty but much more careful about what he should say to his parents I suspect. He's cheerful because he just got himself a fish tank yesterday but may not be so cheerful when he finds out that I've blogged about him. He still loves food but frequently considers the trade-off between the calories and how exquisite the food is. The now trim-fit jeans wearing teenager shuns fast food but drools over smelly cheeses. It's weird being a parent, you see the same child but yet completely different. Sometimes, even now, I find myself looking for that little Sec 1 boy. 

Whatever the outcome tomorrow, I wish him and his cohort a good day of celebrating a new milestone in their lives. I wish them loyalty to their friendships and continued morale support in their life journey. I wish them humility to learn and the confidence to try. I wish them faith to trust God in their decisions and difficult times - more that anyone else, their Creator loves them. God bless our children.

A Gift

Aside from chocolates, the only thing I got from our recent family holiday to Switzerland was a crucifix which I bought from a second-hand store next to the Brunig-Hasliberg railway station. Our small group tour was on its way from Interlaken to Lucerne and we wanted to make a quick toilet stop at the station. Someone wondered into the store and we ended up spending the next half an hour there.

I  was reluctant to enter the store. I only shop when I have something specific in mind and I didn't like the idea of seeing something interesting but too bulky to lug around for the remainder of the holiday without damaging it.  Next to the entrance of the store, I saw dusty books and what looked like VHS tapes which made me wonder whether the store had anything interesting to offer. But there was a few minutes to kill and it was more comfortable to be indoors away from the cold. Upon entering the store, I was surprised with how big it was considering that we seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. It had a wide variety of goods from small badges and pins to a full knight's armour. This was getting interesting.

The crucifix was laying flat on a table near the entrance and quickly caught my eye. I've often seen crucifix made fully of either wood or metal, but this one was slightly different. The cross was carved out of wood whilst the image of the crucified Christ was sculpted in metal. It was large - 24cm x 50cm. There was a small piece of masking tape stuck to the bottom of the cross with the price written on it - "22".  I held it up and looked around. I was genuinely confused. Such a beautiful artefact for CHF22 placed so close the entrance and nobody took interest in it? Was it really only 22 Francs?

I walked around the rest of the store to see if I could find something identical. This crucifix didn't have to be one-of-a-kind but I wanted to be sure it wasn't mass produced either. There were other crucifix but nothing similar.  I like the fact that it was second-hand, that it meant something to someone some time in the past. It made me think about why it may have been given away or sold to a second-hand store. What was the story behind the ownership of this cross? I decided to buy it.

I once told a bible study group that I sometimes wished I had something to visually remind me of the pain and the humility of Christ as he hung on the cross.  When the mind is confused and the heart anxious, the sight of the cross stops me on my tracks.  In His most defeated hour, the cross is a reminder of His promise "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". I thank God that He placed this crucifix with me to remind me of His grace.

Have a blessed new year ahead.

"There is no problem too big 
God cannot solve it
There is no mountain too tall
God cannot move it

There is no storm too dark
God cannot calm it
There is no sorrow too deep
He cannot soothe it

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know my brother that He will carry you
If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know my sister that He will carry you" 

~ Scott Wesley Brown

Christmas in Switzerland

We arrived in Switzerland about 2 weeks ago for a family vacation. We signed up for a small group tour with Tour 168 of Switzerland (www.tour168.ch) run by Mario and his Peranakan Singaporean wife Andrea. The itinerary and pace of the tour fit our family perfectly. With a teenage son and two very young kids, a large group tour would not have worked for us and I suspect we wouldn't have known what we may have missed if we did that. 

Being a country historically rooted in Christianity, there is at least one church in each village. These churches are visually stunning and they warm the senses when the bells toll. During this time of the year, there are no shortage of visual cues of Christmas. Blending in the seasonal markets and decorations with quintessential snow covered mountains, quaint villages and family fun in the snow it feels like we've jumped right into a series of Christmas greeting cards. You can't help but feel Christmassy.

Yet the first Christmas more than 2000 years ago was something that happened far away from Switzerland at the time of the year that probably wasn't quite as cold. Somewhere in the Middle East, in the little town of Bethlehem, "a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace". The claim is that God himself had come to us incarnate, that he may one day be a full and perfect living sacrifice to reconcile man to Himself. The claim is that God is able, willing and longing to dwell among us, and this was fulfilled with the birth of baby Jesus, witnessed by lowly shepherds "wrapped in cloths, lying in a manger". 

On our 2nd day in Zurich before we joined the tour, we visited the Christmas market at Bellevue located next to the lake. Whilst there we chanced upon a stall that was still under construction. It looked like a barn, with two donkeys and two goats feeding on hay. The stall was surrounded by families and kids reaching out to pet the animals. In one corner, was a man was carrying a lamb and offering it out to families for photo opportunities. My younger kids were very excited at the prospect of carrying the lamb but in the end they were too frightened so I ended up carrying it. I was surprised by how calm it stayed. It was warm and fluffy and had a gentle look in its eyes. At that moment, I was reminded of baby Jesus, who came as the lamb of God who came to " wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow".

Have a blessed Christmas. God is good.

No Apple Juice

This should be quite familiar to most parents with young kids. The kids squabble over something without an end in sight and I resort to telling them that the next person who opens his or her mouth will not receive a treat. If we are on our way to a restaurant, I would tell them that their apple juice is at stake. If they are on their way home, it would usually be their TV time. In many cases, the results are instantaneous. Thank God for the parental authority to withhold apple juice and TV time from screaming kids.

Last Sunday, we were on our way to the evening Communion Service in church. I can't remember what started the squabble this time but as usual it went on and on between the two younger kids. To end the fight, I wanted to tell them that whoever spoke next will not receive the bread and the grape juice, which they serve during Communion. Fortunately, I caught myself before I verbalised my thoughts and stuck to the apple-juice-for-dinner threat.

In that moment, it struck me once again how special the gift of the Communion is. In trying to correct the wrong and hopefully allow an important lesson to stick, I sometimes resort to withholding a treat or make the kids stand in the corner. When in the car, there are no isolating corners, so it has to be the former. But with God, when he saw the mess that we've created for ourselves, he responded with the Christmas plan. And Christmas bears its full meaning when it is seen in the light of Good Friday and Easter Sunday. When something needs forgiving and fixing, the gift of the Holy Communion reminds us that the deed is already done, and all we need to do is to receive it. What God has given, nobody can withhold.

In the season of Advent, I am reminded of the great hope that we have that one day God will right all our wrongs. On that day, we will finally understand that no form of human deprivation, whether it is terrorism, slavery, child-abuse or world hunger, can hold back God's love from prevailing. And until that day, we must try to live with hope and not despair, with care and not with indifference, with faith so that we are not caged in by fear. We must continue to strive to do good and when we fall short, allow the Communion meal to remind us that we are in good hands because God has it all covered.

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”(which means “God with us”).

                                                                                                                                  ~ Matthew 1: 22- 23