Getting Discharged Today

After 5 days in the hospital, I get to go home today. Will finally see the sky and some greenery I hope. I am still waiting for the urologist to discharge me so timing is a bit of a variable. The tests that he ran 2 days ago did not yield any bacteria cultures so I will not know what bug I actually caught. Vicious but shy. But since the symptoms are lessening, we know that the antibiotics are working. As I have developed prostatic abscesses, I will be kept on antibiotics  for a few more weeks. 

The urologist will still keep the the catheter in so I will go home proudly carrying the urine bag. I will be resting at home for about a week before I part ways with the urine bag, that is if I no longer have issues urinating on my own. I will have to make daily visits to the hospital to receive the IV antibiotic. For this arrangement to be feasible, I will be switching to a new antibiotic, which only requires 1 dose a day rather than 3. I also need to be fitted with a long IV line in my arm. Not looking forward to that. 

In times like these, I am again reminded of how vulnerable we can be. When we are well, we can act as if nothing can stop us. We can spend too much time focusing our energy on acquiring more. We expect everything to work at the Singaporean level of efficiency. We form the view that if things in our lives are not what we expected, we can get them to perfection. In reality, life is full of ups and downs. There has been huge advancements in science and medicine, but a tiny bug can wreck havoc and turn a grown man into a groaning man. I for one know that am more vulnerable than I think of myself and I need God.  I need God's help to see the vulnerabilities in others and be an encourager. I need God's help to strike a balance in my life so that I don't find myself chasing after meaningless things. I need God's help to see that whether I am winning or losing in this life, I am always winning in God's eye. 

In today's world, there are so many angry voices against the existence of God or the belief in God. There is so much hatred towards the name of Jesus, because His church and followers have abused or been disobedient to His teaching. We place our hopes on what humankind can achieve if we can all work together, a big if.  We are losing sight of how vulnerable we really are and are too quick to write-off the existence of God. Yet God shows great compassion despite our human condition, and we see that clearer when we are vulnerable.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and   his righteousness with their children’s children-

with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

~ Psalm 103: 13 - 18 (NIV)

Ecclesiastes

Our bible study group meets on alternate Saturday afternoons, which can be a challenging time of the day if you are in a habit of catching a short nap. I can't quite remember how long we've had this arrangement, but long enough to have gotten used to it. There is of course food involved and good conversations. We learn a lot from our different perspectives on life and we remind each other of God's presence in all our circumstances. We took the last 18 months or so to get through the book of Numbers - I must admit it felt like we were wondering through the desert for 40 years!  

Two weeks ago, we started a study on the book of Ecclesiastes. Whether you are from a Jewish or Christian faith or not, you may well have stumbled across the words from Ecclesiastes. The Byrds recorded Turn! Turn! Turn! back in 1965, which adapted the words from Chapter 3. Bible historians believe that the book was written by King Solomon, who having experienced all the great riches and pleasures, in his old age declared that everything in life is meaningless. Right from the start, this book goes into a rant about life being an unending cycle of pointlessness. It feels like it was written by someone experiencing deep depression rather than someone supposedly renown for great wisdom. I would caution against reading the first two chapters of this book if you are prone to Monday blues. 

Yesterday our small group covered Chapter 3:1-15. It was a contrast to the earlier chapters - rather than life being an unending cycle of toil, it talks about life having seasons. It talks about a time to be born, to plant, to heal, to build, to laugh, to dance. Everything in its appointed time. But actually, with each of these, it also makes reference to their antithesis - a time to die, to uproot, to kill, to teardown, to weep and to mourn. It talks about the striking realities of our lives, things that we have no control over. This is the portion of the Bible that is so philosophical that you may think it is written by a humanist. This passage points to some of the ugly downsides in life that, as Christians, we want to get as far away as possible. We quietly hope and pray that we are more fortunate. Yet what it really says is that this is how life is in general. 

I had been following Nabeel Quareshi's vlog over the last couple of months and I shared his story and his condition to the small group. Only 34, so fervent for God, achieved so much yet capable of so much more. Throughout his battle with advanced stomach cancer, he trusted that God was fully capable of healing him, yet at the same time believing that whatever the outcome God is loving and sovereign. This morning, we learnt that Nabeel had gone home to be with the Lord. Even as he took that very difficult final journey, he pointed others to Jesus. He knew that Jesus understood what he was going through because Jesus faced a far worse ordeal. He had assurance that his faith was not in vain because Jesus showed him that beyond death is eternal life. And that too is the wisdom from Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

Life, with its ups and downs, will remain a mystery to all of us until Jesus returns to make all things new.


1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.


9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. ~ Ecclesiastes 3: 1-15

Fuel Pressure Gauge

Not My Car

In my previous blogpost, I mention that my car stalled twice. It provided my family with a bit of excitement when it happened the second time, late on a Saturday night. I took it in for urgent servicing the following Monday. When I described how the car was behaving to the service manager, he was a bit surprised that I drove around for a week after the first breakdown. It turned out to be an issue with the fuel pressure gauge. Don't ask me what a fuel pressure gauge is for. I tried googling. Why would a gauge not be there just to gauge?  Instead the defect caused the car to jerk and stall. I didn't think it was wise to wait until I could fully understand the workings of this mysterious gauge before I got it fixed. The  gauge was replaced and I've not experience the same issue since. But every now and then, when I am on an uneven road, I wonder whether the car is jerking and whether it would stall. Maybe it is time to get a new car?

Last week, in separate lunches, my friends asked me whether I still think about the condition I had last year. And I have to confess, it is a bit like the fuel pressure gauge issue - everything is a good as can be, but it is at the back of my mind. Sometimes it feels like it is an uneven road. Do I worry? Is it constant? Well I still feel my neck for enlarge lymph nodes regularly. I do see many things through an additional set of lenses. When my brain processes a thought, there is this additional line of code that it reads before I make a decision. Is that worry? I can't say for certain that it is not. 

What is also more apparent to me these days is that it doesn't take cancer for people to lose their lives.  We live in ever growing uncertainties where there are more immediate ways people can lose their lives, just like that. Countless stories in the last month - whether it is due to neglect, negligence, depression, misguided thoughts, pure evil. It doesn't take the big C. This keeps things in perspective for me. Whatever it is that I may worry about, it just isn't that bad. And if it gets bad enough, I need to rest on the promise once made on a lonely cross "Truly, I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise".

Maybe it is not yet time to get a new car.

Lent

It's been a "What is happening Lord?" sort of week. Mid-week, a friend told me that she has had a relapse and the cancer has spread. The next day, another friend updated me on his condition. He too has had a relapse. Both love the Lord, both continue to trust Him with their lives. There just didn't seem to be a reasonable explanation. I thought I've learnt not to look for answers in such situations, yet I was trying hard to figure God out.  It didn't help that I watched the video of the Malaysian pastor who was kidnapped in broad daylight. Three big black SUV surrounded his car, forced him to stop and took him away. It was like in a movie. What happened there God? 

Unfortunately it is still instinctive for me to ask "why God?" when something lousy happens. I avoid looking at pictures or articles on childhood cancer. But a few days ago, I came across a picture of a couple crying as they held on to their child who had just died. The child was probably no more than 2 years old.  Childhood cancer devastates the soul. I quickly scrolled away but I did catch myself ask "why God?"

In this season of Lent, I am reminded that as Jesus took his last breath on the cross, He gave words to situations where we face our deepest anguishes,"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I am reminded that although I do not know God's mind nor His plans, I do know that He suffered greatly for me. I must remember that He didn't come to sell me a prosperity gospel. He showed us what suffering could be like - that it is real, that is it difficult to bear, that there will be disappointments and that we will ask why. 

When we take a hard look at the road marked with suffering, we will see His footprints. You will see that He was and is walking on the same side of the road with you. You will see that He fell many times on the road to Calvary. You will see that every time He fell, He got up and He carried on because He had to lead the way on the road of suffering. God is closer than ever to those who are in the midst of suffering, whether I remember it or not. 

Allegria

Yesterday we attended my second son's first primary school choir performance. I have really been looking forward to it the whole month. But this almost didn't happen. You may recall back last year, in Father and Son I talked about how he refused to participate in a programme the school selected him for. This was it - the choir.  

So it was apt that they started the evening with "It is Good to Give Thanks to the Lord". As I sat there with my family, I really do have a lot to thank God for. Thankful that he was enjoying himself on stage, thankful that his elder brother prioritised the concert over a class gathering, and thankful that I made it through the last couple of months. The choir followed on with "Take These Wings". I cant pronounce Steve Kupferschmid and have never heard of Don Besig, but what a uplifting song about the wonderful gift of life, whether you are at the beginning of it or at the end.

Songs from diverse genre followed including "Sing" by the Carpenters, Rodgers and Hammerstein's "My Favourite Things", Panis Angelicus which means Bread of Angels in Latin, and "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars. Somewhere in the middle, a little girl, I think from Primary 2, called Faith gave a solo performance of "Blessing" by Laura Story". Through the song, the girl reminded the audience that maybe the "trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise". The gift of child-like innocent faith in truly a blessing.

It was such an enjoyable evening. I am amazed how kids so young can put on such a great show. And there is something about watching your kid from afar giving his best and loving the moment, especially when he is in his smart white shirt and bow tie. Maybe it is seeing him take the wings and learning to fly.

I found a sparrow lying on the ground
Her life, I knew, would soon be at an end
I knelt before her as she made a sound
And listened as she said, 'My friend...

Chorus:
Take these wings and learn to fly
To the highest mountain in the sky
Take these eyes and learn to see
All the things so dear to me.

Take this song and learn to sing
Fill your hearts with all the joy of spring
Take this heart and set it free
Let it fly beyond the sea.'

I found another sparrow on the sand
A tiny bird whose life had just begun
I picked him up and held him in my hand
I smiled at him and said, 'My son...

~ Take These Wings, Steve Kupferschmid & Don Besig

Hope

To celebrate the completion of the chemo treatment, I asked a friend whether she would paint something for me. I wanted something to remind me of the hope that we have in Jesus in life's circumstances. I gave her Bible passages from Genesis 2-3, Isaiah 53 and John 19-20 as a synopsis of the Good News and asked her to paint Jesus crucified. Today I took delivery of the lovely painting and hung it up. As we approach the season of Advent, this is also a reminder of the reason for the season. 

I hadn't noticed earlier, but I just realised that now, side by side, are 2 paintings that depict the start and end of Jesus' earthly life. The other painting is a Chinese water colour of the Magi travelling from the east to witness the new born Messiah. My second son who was inspecting the painting was also pleasantly surprised when he noticed this. He said one painting was of Jesus "borning" and the other about his death. Not expecting his younger sister to be able to figure out what the new painting was about, he was amused when she said "Jesus dying to save the whole world". The simplicity of Christmas story. 

This morning, at church, the visiting pastor told us a little bit about his past. He told us he was a school drop out, and later became a drug-addict which eventually landed him in jail. It was during the time in jail that he personally accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour, even though he was born into a Catholic family. His life was so transformed that he became a witness for God. God's arms were pinned open onto the cross to offer grace to anyone and everyone who seeks it. The tranformational power of the cross.

The cross has been a constant reminder to me over the last couple of months that we have a God who understands our circumstances. He faced accusations, suffering, betrayal and humiliation, and ultimately death, but he faced it all humbly.  And in His death and resurrection, He revealed to us that there is eternal life. The eternal hope we have in Christ.


Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

~ Once Again, Matt Redman

In Control

It is taking me slightly longer to get back into routine in this last cycle of chemo. A bit of insomnia at the beginning followed by binge sleeping over the next couple of days. In between, is the lethargy. I resorted to Netflix to provide my brain with the much needed stimulation. I paced myself, 2 to 3 episodes of The Crown over the last few days. I am not entirely sure how much of the script is factual but there was enough history weaved into the story for me to feel I was watching something important. And if you forget everything else, you will still be left with an overwhelming sense of duty over self. Claire Foy was masterful in her portrayal of the young Queen trying to find her footing as the sovereign in the fast changing post-war Britain society. She sought the find the balance between being herself and being the Queen.

I particularly enjoyed John Lithgow's rendition of Churchill. One of the series' sub-plots was how Churchill dealt with his waning popularity even though the Conservative Party had regained power in the 1951 General Elections. The man who had led Britain to victory against Nazi Hitler was portrayed as a man who had lost his spark and lacked the focus to deal with the domestic economic issues facing Britain. 

In one episode, Lithgow's Churchill came face to face with his own mortality as he confronted Graham Sutherland, who had painted a full-length portrait of him. It was commission by the two Houses to commemorate Churchill's 80th birthday. Churchill hated the portrait and later summoned Sutherland to his home in Chartwell for a dress down. He poured out his contempt onto the artist for portraying him as "a broken, sagging, pitiful creature" and that it was "cruel". To which Sutherland responded "Age is cruel! If you see decay, it's because there's decay. If you see frailty, it's because there's frailty. I can't be blamed for what is. And I refuse to hide and disguise what I see. If you're engaged in a fight with something, then it's not with me. It is with your own blindness."

Yesterday morning, I nudged myself to go for a morning walk after dropping my daughter off at the kindergarten. I decided to visit St George's Church in Tanglin. We often drive by this wonderful Anglican church on the way to Dempsey Hill and I've always wanted to visit. I was the only one there at that time of the morning. I sat down to say a quiet prayer and thank God for getting me through the last few months. I read from Isaiah 45 and was reminded that everything is in God's sovereign hands even when it is incomprehensible to the human mind. And as if to answer the question of how I should view each day going forward, I saw the words taken from John 16:33 on the stained glass window "Be of Good Cheer, I Have Overcome the World".

My apologies if this blogpost is all over the place - Netflix, The Crown, Lithgow's Churchill and my visit to a church. It may well be a form of madness to see patterns where they don't exist! How I would sum it up is this - we spend a lot of energy and effort to make our lives work. Whether it is a call of duty or whether mixed in there somewhere is our difficulty in letting go. Sometimes it is just a matter of survival, fighting an illness or waning popularity or both. Or pushing back the thoughts of ageing and the frailty that comes with it. After so much of your life has been expended, and you don't feel like there is much more you can afford to give, what happens? Can you afford to let go and will it turn cruel?

I think we need to see life for what it is, and God for who He is, and rest upon the assurance of the work He has already done on the cross for us.


When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most, 
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

~ When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, Isaac Watts

His Presence

The very last session of chemo this morning. It is odd. I have been so looking forward to finish the treatment and it got a bit frustrating on the occasions when it was delayed. Yet this past week, and especially this two days at the clinic, I feel circumspect. Not entirely sure if it is the right word. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that this is finally going to be over and I shall go out for a meal with my family to celebrate. I definitely did not form a psychotic attachment to chemo. As you probably know by now I get sentimental about a lot of things but not about this treatment for sure.

It is also not so much about what's next either. I do have to sit down and think about what further adjustments to make to my life. I don't have the chemo to kill the bad cells going forward and I also don't have to worry about not eating well enough to keep the blood count up. So I should be cutting back on the calories. I don't have to spoil myself as much after this treatment is over, so a stricter diet and going back on an exercise routine is going to be important. I will keep up with the family holidays for sure because that can only be a good thing!

I sat down at the dining area for a short meditation before I left for the clinic this morning. I closed my eyes, cleared my thoughts and took deep cleansing breaths. I did that for a few minutes. And then the song that we sang in the church service last Sunday came to mind - "You are Awesome in This Place". I am not great with lyrics so I just hummed the tune. After that, I left for the clinic. 

When I arrived at the clinic, and as the nurse was preparing to insert the intravenous needle, I felt I really needed to distract myself from the pain. I have really become a baby when it comes to needles these days. I searched for the song that I was humming at home on youtube and played it. It seemed to have worked, the needle prick wasn't half as painful today. I then checked my phone to see where the GBP exchange rate was this morning after the British High Court concluded that PM May could not trigger the formal Brexit process without Parliament's backing. The rate was so much higher! Then I saw the whatsapp message that my sister sent through. It was a poster with this quote:

"When you enter His presence with praise, He enters your circumstances with power"

An awesome revelation to my circumspection. I needed to take in the moment to remind myself that when we face adversity, we also enter into His presence in a very powerful way. When the possibility of death grips the mind, your Heavenly Father enfolds you.  

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18

He speaks with clarity and in power when we don't know what to think about the road ahead. He strengthens you and makes you better even when you think that you are at your lowest point and these is no upside. And indeed there is very little upside to getting cancer. He reminds you of the eternal perspective. 

It is a privilege to enter His presence, to pass the gates of praise into His sanctuary. All by the grace offered by Christ Jesus who died for our sins.


As I come into Your presence

Pass the gates of praise
Into Your sanctuary
Til we're standing face to face
I look upon Your countenance
I see the fullness of your grace
I can only bow down and say... 

You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
You are awesome in this place, Abba Father
You are worthy of all praise
To You our lives we raise
You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
~ You are Awesome in this Place, Hillsong United

Side-effects

I am in the clinic for the last cycle of chemo. As usual, I had to clear the blood test first. The phlebotomist was a familiar face from a couple of weeks back, a friendly Indian lady by the name of Mala. The last time she took my blood she wished me Happy Birthday in advance (this line could work very well in a vampire movie). This time round she asked me how I celebrated my birthday.

The last time round I mentioned to her that it may be my imagination that procedures involving needles were getting more painful. She told me that it wasn't my imagination. I googled and it could be  what is known as superficial thrombophlebitis. Today as she was taking my blood, the blood stopped flowing after she collected 1 vail of blood. She resorted to the other hand for the remaining 3 vails. I googled this too and it could be hypercoagulation due to the chemo.

After 2 hours of waiting, I got the blood count results and I was cleared for the chemo. I have just started and I now typing with my right middle finger taped firmly to my index finger, of the same hand in case you were wondering. Slightly drowsy from the medication. I whatsapp the group who has been supporting me in prayer and they have been coming back to me with well wishes and praising God for His goodness. One of them told me that yesterday she dreamt of me smiling. As I come to the end of the treatment, I am so thankful for each one of them for keeping me in prayers. Feeling a bit emotional because so many people have been fussing over me and pointing me towards God's promises in the last few months. Maybe the emotions  is a side-effect of the chemo too.

What are the longer term-side effect? Able to sense more clearly what is feels like when death comes knocking on my door. Able to understand a lot better why pride, arrogance, human accolades are so pointless and deceiving. Able to draw on experience that God and His people will be in the midst of the storm that I am in. A distrust that this is all there is to life. A stronger believe that there is a heaven and we are all closer to it than we think.

At all times I will bless Him His praise will be in my mouth My soul makes its boast in the Lord The humble man will hear of Him The afflicted will be glad And join with me to magnify the Lord Let us exalt His name together, forever I sought the Lord, He heard me And delivered me from my fears. Let us exalt His name together, forever 0 sing His praises magnify the Lord The angel of the Lord encamps Round those who fear His name To save them and deliver them from harm Though lions roar with hunger We lack for no good thing No wonder then we praise Him with our song Come children now and hear Him If you would see long life Just keep your mouth from wickedness and lies Do good and turn from evil Seek peace instead of strife Love righteousness and God will hear your cry

The Journey

We attended my daughter's kindergarten year-end concert yesterday morning. It's been 2 years since we've been to one of these back when my second son was at the same school.  We were clearly excited to watch her performance, but I had forgotten how good these productions were. 

The concert started with the graduation ceremony for the K2 kids. Although my daughter isn't in this year's graduating class, it was still quite emotional to watch these very young bubbly kids complete this chapter of their lives and to move on to the much more arduous Singapore education system. The thought brought tears to my wife's eyes. It's a true joy to watch the kids scurry across the stage as their names are called to receive their graduation scroll. It's emotional to watch them take their bow to a carefree childhood where learning was mostly through play. No turning back.

The concert this year was entitled The Journey. In the year 3000, four children from Planet Alpha takes up a mission to rescue Planet Omega from monster worms and unlivable conditions. These children were given a red box, much like the one that the late Mr. Lee Kuan Yew had, we were told. They were given instructions to open the red box to look for answers when they find themselves in tricky situations. Their journey through time and space and their ups and downs were told through the dances performed by the various classes who had practised their moves since the beginning of term 4. They danced to the turns of Mission Impossible,  Don't Worry, Lean on Me, You Raise Me Up and many more. The story ended with the kids from Planet Alpha finding those whom they were supposed to rescue. We will have to wait until next year for the sequel, The Promise, to see how the journey ends. 

As I watched, I am reminded of how fortunate I have been to have been able to journey with my kids. I wonder where they get all their energy, humour and ideas, and where all these will lead them. They are so full of potential, I pray that they will choose to use it for the greater good. Through the many life experiences, I know that that it is unrealistic to expect only easy days for them so my prayer is that they will remember to open the red box that God has placed in their hearts. I pray that in good times they will give God praise and in adversity they will take courage in His everlasting presence. There comes a time when parents have to bid their kids goodbye and let them sail on in their journey of life. Until that time, I am learning to trust in God with what I cannot see. 

The concert ended with all the kindergarten children and teachers singing The Journey for the finale.

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been.

~ The Journey, Lea Salonga

October

I am an October baby. More than a month back a group of friends had already made arrangements to take me out for dinner. We met up on Wednesday. My brother and his wife were in town last week to see how I was getting on and they took my family out for a lovely dinner at the Botanic Gardens. My second sister will be traveling down from Hong Kong. My eldest sister sent me a lovely handmade card to wish me well. My wife has made lunch reservations to try out an Italian restaurant recommended by a friend. I am slightly embarrassed by all the fuss over my turning one year older.

I was supposed to be starting the final cycle of chemo on my birthday. I was too much of a guy to ask the oncologist to defer it. Seemed like a fuss, so I didn't. Having chemo for my birthday would have been a poignant reminder that we are all passing through the passage of time between birth and a better place, sometimes stumbling through.  Fortunately, the chemo was pushed back to November due to delays in starting Cycle 5. I did eventually tell the oncologist about it and he said that it wouldn't have been right to make me visit the doctors on my birthday. 

Taking a quiet moment this morning, I am reminded that God has been fussing over me all these years. He's brought really good people into my life. I've been through majestic ups and epic fails, but always supported. There were a number of years I stopped believing that God exists, didn't call Him; but He called anyway, left messages for me, He wanted to chat and asked me to call if I got the chance. When He blessed me with 3 wonderful children, I got the chance to see life from His perspective.

This past 12 month of tremendous changes brought new perspectives too. Organisational restructuring and opting for redundancy, joining a new firm, leading a team through some interesting times, the encounter with the big C. I've learnt not to worry too much. I've learned to let go of pointless self-inflicted frustrations and receive His shalom. My second son's birthday note to me this morning was apt "enjoy your li(f)e! May the[redundant] God Bless you on this day". The birthday cake which my wife ordered to surprise me was apt too - a beach holiday in the Maldives. I have been in good hands these many years, that's not changing. 


As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart and glorify Your Name

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord, give us strength to live for You and glorify Your Name

~ Your Name, Paul Baloche

Cycle 5

Back in May, I blogged about my apprehension with chemo - what it  may be like and what I was doing to prepare myself for it. But after starting the treatment, the slight apprehension I have is whether the next cycle will be delayed and if so by how long. And then after awhile even the delays become a norm. The current cycle, the fifth one, has been delayed twice. 

Three weeks back, at the mid-point of cycle 4, my white blood count (wbc) was at its highest ever at 20+ ths/uL ie 20 thousand white blood cells per microlitres of blood. I checked it out, 1 microlitres is 1/1,000,000,000th of 1 cubic meter. It is mind boggling how many white blood cells (lymphocytes), we have and how tiny they are.  Our lives can't function without these micro-warrior, yet as in my case, if any of them turn to the dark side they can wreck havoc. The chemo destroys both lymphocytes and renegade white blood cells (lymphoma), yet I need enough of lymphocytes to continue with the chemo. A delicate balance.

The normal wbc ranges between 4 - 11 ths/uL, so my immunity at that point in time went through the roof. This was right after I took a set of booster jabs which is part of the regime. Two weeks later, it was down to 2.85 ths/uL. Where did 17 ths/uL suddenly disappear to is anybody's guess. Chemo is split into several cycles to allow our body the time to recover; the body's immunity is supposed to be at its lowest in the middle of the cycle and recover in the second half of the cycle. It was slow to recover in my case.

From past experience, it would nudge up slightly after about 4 days to a level that is closer to 4 ths/uL.  But this time round, despite waiting for another week, my wbc slipped further south to 2.75 ths/uL when I did the test on Monday. Was it a case of the chemo being too effective? So cycle 5 got delayed a second time. The doctor gave me booster jabs for 3 days and the hope was that by Thursday morning my wbc would be back up.  Due to some change of plans I came back to the clinic a day earlier than scheduled. The wbc this morning was back up to 9+ ths/uL. So finally I was cleared to start on cycle 5. I have been here for about 3 hours and another hour to go before the chemo session is completed for today.

I try to manage whatever resources I have, including time, the best I can but situations like this make me acutely aware that I don't have mastery over time or timing. There is a passage from James 4:

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 

Truly, we submit everything to a big awesome God who has mastery over time and smallest of His creations, including lymphocytes. I don't have enough understand of either but fortunately my knowledge and understanding are never pre-requisites for things to work out in life.

5 cycles almost done, and 1 to go, by God's will.


1 Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

~ Psalms 127 : 1 - 2

Being Still in Maldives

We decided to spend the week long September school holidays in Maldives. I didn't do that much planning when I booked the holiday. How to you figure out which was the best amongst more than a thousand islands? I merely looked up booking.com for what seemed like a decent resort at a decent price. Later I found out that Outrigger Konotta Maldives Resort situated at the Gaafu Dhaalu Atoll is about 350km south of Male. It is 1 hour ahead of the Male timezone. After the 4.5 hour flight from Singapore to Male, there was a 3 hour wait for a 55 minute internal flight on Maldivian Air to Kaadedhdhoo Airport. After a 1/2 hour wait to sought out the luggage, we took a 10 minutes walk to the jetty for a 1/2 hour boat transfer to the resort. Had I known that it would take 12 hours door to door, I am not sure if I would have picked this resort.

But once here, I was awestruck by its beauty. It is a lovely resort with soft white sands and lush greenery to shade you from the warm tropical afternoon sun. It has that small South Indian village feel as you stroll around the island. The two room villa we booked was far larger and more luxurious than we had expected. The balcony opens up to an infinity pool and at the side are the stairs that lead you down to the dual blue waters of the Indian Ocean. Idyllic escape. We're probably the first to introduce kids to this honeymooner island.

Due to 3 hours time difference, I woke up at 3am this morning. I rolled around in bed for awhile before deciding to get up. I sat on the deck chair at the balcony to take in the sea breeze and the sounds of waves. Later my wife joined me and we both sat there staring in awe at the multitudes of stars in the clear morning skies. It reminded me of something I had read a couple of days back about the certainty of a Creator God and His immense authority. His authority to call the stars into existence. This is the same God who created the waters that are teeming with marine creatures. We saw this when we went to the beach after our breakfast. Fishes of various shapes and colours, giant clams and corals. I was fortunate enough to spot a baby black tip shark. God spoke this ecosystem into existence and set in them the instructions to multiply. Snorkeling at the drop zone reminds me again of how vast God's creative canvass is.

In the evening, I sat with my younger kids on the villa stairs to look at more fishes and the rising tides. In those peaceful moments, I was suddenly reminded of a Don Moen song "Be Still my Soul". The God who set the stars at the heights of the universe and placed the fishes in the depths of the ocean is sat at the stair with me. Whether this was me trying to fit in as many family vacations as I could in case I run out of time, or whether this was my escape from the thoughts of cancer, or whether this was just another beach holiday, whatever the reason, God is in my midst. He too is a father watching over his children, spending time with them. For this reason, I can be still.

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Cease from the labor and the toil
Refreshing springs of peace await
The troubled minds and hearts that ache

Be still my soul,  God knows your way
And He will guide, For His name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of His grace
Rest in the arms of His embrace

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Though battles round you rage and roar
One thing you need and nothing more
To hear the whisper of your Lord

Be still My child, I know your way
And I will guide, For My name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of My grace
Rest in the arms of My embrace

Be still, be still my soul

~ Be Still My Soul, Don Moen

The New Normal

I finished the 4th cycle of chemo today. This means I have passed the halfway mark for my treatment. It is time to revisit what normalcy ought to be when I am finally done with the treatment in October.  I first wrote about this in mid-June. It has taken me so long to muse about this during the treatment. I worry whether I will brush aside the idea of a new normal if I don't make a commitment and put it into practise before I finish my treatment. 

At a fellowship that I went to at the beginning of the treatment a friend reminded me that this disease is not from God. This is not his way to rein me in, it is not his leash. Genes, predispositions, environmental hazards, choices in life conscious or subconscious, all of these are like that pot of water slowly put to boil and I am that human frog. But God takes captive of such situations and gives us the opportunity to work with Him to turn it into something good. I have experienced this in the past so I know this to be true.  Ironically when things get better, we can end up forgetting all the important disciplines that got us back on our feet. We put our foot back on the paddle and accelerate on our human pursuits. Nothing wrong with human pursuits, we do it for noble reasons, but we can lose sight of the big picture in life.

I believe the biggest part of the new normal for me will have to be about claiming back unproductive time and to spend it in communion with God. Turning the stresses, worries, indignation and disbelieves into conversations with God. Less time on the mobile phone and more time meditating on the truths from the author of life to replace the distorted worldview which has built a stronghold in my head. This is less of a human pursuit and more of a human posture in God's presence. Seems like a shortcut, but it may be a good idea to take this as the first step and let His wisdom guide me on what the rest of the new normal looks like.

All set.

Setiap hari ku, Mohon agar Kau sentiasa
Memberiku ketenangan, Dalam hati... kekuatan
Menempuh segala dugaan yang mencabar ini
Pasti punya retinue

Engkau beriku harapan, Menjawab segala persoalan
Hadapi semua dalam tenang, Dengan merasa kesyukuran
Ku doa Kau selalu, Mengawasai gerak-geriku
Berkatilah ku perlu rahmat dari Mu

Oh Tuhan terangkan hati dalam sanubariku
Untuk menempuhi segala hidup penuh cabaran ini
Oh Tuhan ku berserah segalanya kepadaMu
Agar jiwaku tenang dengan bimbingan Mu selalu

Ada kalanya ku merasa hidup ini seperti kaca
Jikalau tidak bersabar, Hancur berderailah akhirnya
Tabahkanlah hatiku, Melalui semua itu ooh... 
Kuatkanlah,Cekalkanlah diriku

~ Ku Mohon
Lyrics: Mac Chew/ Sheila Majid