Facing It

Several days back, I was trying to place my thoughts on how I felt facing my first chemotherapy session. It took awhile. I scanned my memories but nothing turned up. I wasn't screaming so dramatic wasn't what I was looking for. I was pretty positive but it would be fecicious to think it's a walk in the park. What sums it up for me? 

Two days back I found that thought. It was the memory of mom bringing me for my first visit to the dentist. I was not in school yet at that time. We lived in Old Klang Road in Kuala Lumpur and had to take a public bus to Brickfields. The government dental clinic was in Jalan Pantai so we had to take a short walk from the bus stop. And it is the image of this walk that played in my head. My mom was walking slightly ahead holding my hand. I see her back profile as she gently tugged me along. I remember asking her the classic  first dental visit question "Will it be painful?" And she gave the classic mother response "The jab will feel like an ant bite. The rest will be okay." I was still analysing but it was reassuring to hear her say that.

This morning as I was in the midst of my treatment I received well wishes from my cousin who just found out about my condition. He mentioned that my aunt, my mom's eldest sister, happened to be in town and wondered if they should visit me. My aunt reminds me a lot of my mom. They were very close and similar in many ways. I remember how she came over to visit me when I caught German measles as a child and applied egg white on my skin to reduce the itchiness. Eggs on measles, you have to try that one. I have fond memories of the Chinese New Year brunches at her home. I really do want to see her but I told my cousin that if I saw Yee Ma face to face I would just break down. It would like breaking the news to my parent if they were still around. Whatever drugs they are giving me right now, it is making me emotional.

Today, God is holding my hands. He too is walking ahead. With nail pierced hands, He too is assuring me that I am in good hands. With kindness He is telling me that He is right here in my midst. I don't have to tell Him anything if I can't find the words because He know exactly how it feels. I don't have to contain my emotions because He laid bare his emotions when He was hung on the tree for me.

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint