Hungry Game

I am four days away from completing a 40-day fast. For many reasons I am ambivalent writing about this. A fast isn't a big journey, certainly not comparable to many incredible feats that the human kind is capable of. And that is the thing, it is not even a feat nor an achievement. The fast which I am observing also pales in comparison with what my Muslims friends do religiously in the month of Ramadhan each year. I abstain from food between 7am to 7pm but I do drink water and even allow myself the luxury of unflavoured soda water, okay with a slice of lemon or lime to go with it on occasions. The Bible gently reminds us that we should not be doing certain things to give others the impression that we are holy because we fast.  But what I do want to do is to crystallise my thoughts about the fast before I return to "normality". What was this fast about, what have I come to understand and how I hope it will change me.

This is the third time I am fasting, the last being many years ago. It took me a long time to decide that I would do it because as much as I felt I wanted to, there wasn't any external persuasion to commit. There certainly wasn't anyone who came up to me to tell me that I should fast, although my fun loving colleagues would openly point out the shape and size of my belly. A slightly round belly is the hallmark of fathers in the neighbourhood I live in. I see this when I walk my son to school in the morning - men furiously trying to balance their family and work responsibilities that health becomes an after-thought. I was bringing my younger kids downstairs for swimming this morning and my daughter said "Daddy, look. I am as tall as you belly." My belly isn't as tall as her, but she certainly knows it exists. Hmm... perhaps there is an external persuasion.

Part of the reason the start date for the fast kept shifting in my head was because a 40-day fast would overlap with many key celebrations. I wasn't prepared to miss out on the feasting for Chinese New Year or family members' birthdays. Doing a fast during Lent would be very sensible but I wouldn't be able to commit to all the disciplines of such a fast - being completely and utterly focused on God. The truth is that a fast ought not to be about anything else but about drawing close to God. But my fast is me taking baby steps toward Him and He leading me gently. So instead of Lent, the window of opportunity for me was the period between my daughter's birthday and my own birthday. No visions, no burning bushes, just me wanting to feast on birthdays that set the date for the fast.

There are a lot of things in my life I ought to be doing, whether it is eating moderately or doing regular exercise. All makes sense but for many things that requires discipline I often need a higher purpose. Strange as it may sound, living a longer healthier life isn't a high enough purpose for me. Yet I also think that this true for those fathers that I walk pass each morning. I am busy meeting the daily needs of the day, I feel that I deserve to sleep or eat a bit more when I get the chance, and I haven't come to the point in my life where personal neglect is manifesting itself in ways that inconvenience me. Well not entirely true - I do feel like my body is giving way. I needed to reset to once again understands what life is about. Just do It, is to me the nudge for guilt-free impulse buying then my approach to life.

I needed to be reminded that in life I can do without many things but in many things I cannot do without God. The wants we have in life are merely thoughts and a nobler thought can overcome one that is less kind. Fasting is this practice of using the sensation of hunger to ask myself what is this really for and for me to respond by saying to myself that my God is as real as the food I see around me. It is the practice of saying that I can set aside things in my life because God gives me a reason to.

Hunger has a way of drowning out some other distractions. I don't feel tired but I can certainly feel my mind ticking slower. I am taking more time to listen and to decipher before I respond. It would seem like worry isn't as powerful as hunger. There is less stamina for long term anxiety because my more immediate preoccupation is the 7pm break fast. Fasting itself is not an achievement but what the practice can help your mind do can be empowering.

Somewhat obvious but still very true. The fast is a glimpse of what real hunger feels like. I cannot comprehend how children have to go to bed hungry and how forsaken and neglected their parents must feel in that situation. Life given by God, but no hands willing to feed them. What is my role in taking the excesses in my life and giving it to those who have absolutely nothing? Will I help to restore the dignity of those that who are vulnerable? My plea to God as I fast is that I will lead a less self-centred and distracted life. The hope is that when I finish this in a couple of days, it would not be a return to "normality" but a closer step to the path that God would like me to take.