October

I am an October baby. More than a month back a group of friends had already made arrangements to take me out for dinner. We met up on Wednesday. My brother and his wife were in town last week to see how I was getting on and they took my family out for a lovely dinner at the Botanic Gardens. My second sister will be traveling down from Hong Kong. My eldest sister sent me a lovely handmade card to wish me well. My wife has made lunch reservations to try out an Italian restaurant recommended by a friend. I am slightly embarrassed by all the fuss over my turning one year older.

I was supposed to be starting the final cycle of chemo on my birthday. I was too much of a guy to ask the oncologist to defer it. Seemed like a fuss, so I didn't. Having chemo for my birthday would have been a poignant reminder that we are all passing through the passage of time between birth and a better place, sometimes stumbling through.  Fortunately, the chemo was pushed back to November due to delays in starting Cycle 5. I did eventually tell the oncologist about it and he said that it wouldn't have been right to make me visit the doctors on my birthday. 

Taking a quiet moment this morning, I am reminded that God has been fussing over me all these years. He's brought really good people into my life. I've been through majestic ups and epic fails, but always supported. There were a number of years I stopped believing that God exists, didn't call Him; but He called anyway, left messages for me, He wanted to chat and asked me to call if I got the chance. When He blessed me with 3 wonderful children, I got the chance to see life from His perspective.

This past 12 month of tremendous changes brought new perspectives too. Organisational restructuring and opting for redundancy, joining a new firm, leading a team through some interesting times, the encounter with the big C. I've learnt not to worry too much. I've learned to let go of pointless self-inflicted frustrations and receive His shalom. My second son's birthday note to me this morning was apt "enjoy your li(f)e! May the[redundant] God Bless you on this day". The birthday cake which my wife ordered to surprise me was apt too - a beach holiday in the Maldives. I have been in good hands these many years, that's not changing. 


As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart and glorify Your Name

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord, give us strength to live for You and glorify Your Name

~ Your Name, Paul Baloche

Children's Day 2016

Today is Children's Day in Singapore. Celebrated on the first Friday of October, kids up to the primary school level get the day off. I have 2 of those and they have been looking forward to "something special".  I am on medical leave to recover from the first few days of the chemo cycle, for one, the insomnia that has been keeping me awake since 1am. I am hoping that I will be able to keep awake later in the day to make it meaningful for them. Their obvious request was to go to McDonald's for breakfast, to which my wife protested. I am left in the "Daddy knows best" situation, so we will figure something out.

Two days ago, my second son sneaked a small Lego box from the playroom to his bedroom. He then sneaked it back to the playroom only to be found out by his sister. And so the sister insisted on seeing what was inside and asked why she doesn't have one. It was a SG50 commemorative Lego gift set which all primary and secondary school kids received a bit more than a year ago. So I tried to pacify Mei Mei by telling her that we have 2 sets at home and I will get her set for her. My son reminded me that the other set belonged to Koh Koh and that the kindergarten kids did not receive the gift set. I wasn't entirely sure why my son didn't want to open the box and share the toy with his bestie so I asked him to keep it away at least until he finished his homework. Peace resumed.

Later in the evening, I found him in the playroom wrapping the Lego set with exercise book paper. He was quietly cutting pieces of cellophane tape to stick it all together. He explained that it was a surprise Children's Day present for Mei Mei. Which perfectly explains what happened earlier in the day. It is kind of a surprise but it isn't, but certainly a nice gesture. When he was done, he looked for a corner to hide it before his sister woke up from her afternoon nap. His strategy was to keep it at the toy corner which has developed in the living room, in hope that his sister would not spot the obvious from the obvious. This didn't work out quite like he expected. Well to be fair, it worked a little bit because Mei Mei only spotted it the next day. And she read the note that said that it was a gift for her. I told her that it was meant to be a surprise gift so she should put it back where she found it and wait for it to be presented to her on Thursday.

Thursday came along. Both of them were happy with their Children's Day celebrations at their respective schools. They both came home with their bags of goodies. My second son said that it was the best day of his life, which is what he says whenever he has had a good day. He told his sister that unlike his friends, he didn't eat the snack that he got from school because he wanted to share it with her. It reminds me of how my siblings would do the same for me when I was the only pre-school child at home. After he put the snacks in the refrigerator, he went on to present the surprise gift to his sister. I took a photo of her happily opening her gift and then left them to it. 

Later in the day, my wife told me that Mei Mei complained to his brother that the box contained an assortment of toys that belonged to her. It turned out that the content wasn't the Lego set. Mei Mei showed me the content in the evening and her brother was there to explain that it was not all her toys, some were from his own collection. I was holding back from laughing but told both of them that it was a very nice gesture. They then took turns to ask me what gift I was getting them for Children's Day.

Wonderful to witness such children humour this Children's Day.


Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him ~ Psalm 127: 3

Cycle 5

Back in May, I blogged about my apprehension with chemo - what it  may be like and what I was doing to prepare myself for it. But after starting the treatment, the slight apprehension I have is whether the next cycle will be delayed and if so by how long. And then after awhile even the delays become a norm. The current cycle, the fifth one, has been delayed twice. 

Three weeks back, at the mid-point of cycle 4, my white blood count (wbc) was at its highest ever at 20+ ths/uL ie 20 thousand white blood cells per microlitres of blood. I checked it out, 1 microlitres is 1/1,000,000,000th of 1 cubic meter. It is mind boggling how many white blood cells (lymphocytes), we have and how tiny they are.  Our lives can't function without these micro-warrior, yet as in my case, if any of them turn to the dark side they can wreck havoc. The chemo destroys both lymphocytes and renegade white blood cells (lymphoma), yet I need enough of lymphocytes to continue with the chemo. A delicate balance.

The normal wbc ranges between 4 - 11 ths/uL, so my immunity at that point in time went through the roof. This was right after I took a set of booster jabs which is part of the regime. Two weeks later, it was down to 2.85 ths/uL. Where did 17 ths/uL suddenly disappear to is anybody's guess. Chemo is split into several cycles to allow our body the time to recover; the body's immunity is supposed to be at its lowest in the middle of the cycle and recover in the second half of the cycle. It was slow to recover in my case.

From past experience, it would nudge up slightly after about 4 days to a level that is closer to 4 ths/uL.  But this time round, despite waiting for another week, my wbc slipped further south to 2.75 ths/uL when I did the test on Monday. Was it a case of the chemo being too effective? So cycle 5 got delayed a second time. The doctor gave me booster jabs for 3 days and the hope was that by Thursday morning my wbc would be back up.  Due to some change of plans I came back to the clinic a day earlier than scheduled. The wbc this morning was back up to 9+ ths/uL. So finally I was cleared to start on cycle 5. I have been here for about 3 hours and another hour to go before the chemo session is completed for today.

I try to manage whatever resources I have, including time, the best I can but situations like this make me acutely aware that I don't have mastery over time or timing. There is a passage from James 4:

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 

Truly, we submit everything to a big awesome God who has mastery over time and smallest of His creations, including lymphocytes. I don't have enough understand of either but fortunately my knowledge and understanding are never pre-requisites for things to work out in life.

5 cycles almost done, and 1 to go, by God's will.


1 Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

~ Psalms 127 : 1 - 2

The Facemask

Yesterday's Facebook throwback photo caught me by surprise. It was a photo of my son wearing a facemask during the worst of the haze problem last year. For a moment I thought it was a picture of me. Although I have done very well in not letting the facemask bother me, there were a few occasions when I felt a bit indignant.

I have this urge to reassure people around me that I don't have a bug and they don't have to feel uncomfortable. When I meet someone for the first time, I am never quite sure if I should extend my handshake because it may put the other person in an awkward position having to shake my hand if they thought I have a bug. I keep reminding myself that I am over-thinking.

Curious kids tend to think I look cool and special with the mask on so I wink at them. The lady from the laundry service who collects my working shirts from the office every Wednesday wonders why I am always wearing a mask. Recently she asked me about it but I don't think she understood my response because she was busy writing out the collection slip and I was brief with my explanation. I did a better job explaining it to the office cleaner even though I spoke in broken Chinese. She wasn't convinced at first and thought I was pulling her leg. When she accepted that I wasn't kidding, she asked me to eat more broccoli. 

I am okay most of the time but seeing that photo of my son was like being a third person looking at myself. For a moment I felt self-pity and I asked myself "Oh my, how did this happen to you?" Maybe it is the same question I would ask if were to look at myself in the mirror in my old age. The sense that this wasn't supposed to happen. Today, as I reflected on this again, I realised that God too sees a likeness of himself wearing a mask when He looks at me. I am reminded that we are all created in His image. I am reminded that that is the reason He had to redeem us by His blood - we were His children from the beginning. I am reminded that my Father watches over me.


I lift up my eyes to the mountains -
  where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord , 
  the Maker of heaven and earth. 

He will not let your foot slip -
  he who watches over you will not slumber; 
indeed, he who watches over Israel 
  will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord watches over you - 
  the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 
the sun will not harm you by day, 
  nor the moon by night. 

The Lord will keep you from all harm- 
  he will watch over your life; 
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
  both now and forevermore.

~ Psalm 121

Confusion

I wasn't annoyed because I have come to accept delays. In preparation for cycle 5 planned for tomorrow, I did a full blood count on Saturday morning. I was so sure the count was going to be fine because only 2 weeks ago it was at the highest it has ever been since I started chemo. It was so high it surprised me then. When I got home, the oncologist messaged to tell me that the count was low. He sent me a copy of the results and it was the lowest it has ever been since I started the treatment. I will have to wait for a week to repeat the test.

What I am though is confused. Not angry confused but humbled confused. Confused that the blood count can be so volatile, humbled because yet again I am reminded that I am not in control. If there is a formula to this, I have yet to figure it out. That goes for developing lymphoma in the first place. I also don't have the formula to explain why the smallest lymphoma hotspot has not disappeared when all the other spots that were larger have.  I am missing a couple of variables in my equations.

The last couple of months have reminded me of how little we know as humans. We know a lot more than we use to but not enough by any measure. We try to find a formula to everything, sometimes to the point of absurdity. We try to correlate everything to anything and sell it as scientific research. Snake oil.

And then there are times we try to fit God into a formula. Fortunately, our God does not conform to the limits of our human mind. Beyond our human understanding, God created time and space. Beyond what we deserve, He created an escape plan for a fallen world which involved Him coming into the world through virgin birth. Beyond our capacity to save ourselves, He was slain as an unblemished lamb to atone for our sins. Grace too can be confusing.

I have learnt to just go with the flow. I don't have to fully understand everything. Now is there a formula to a cheery working Monday?


Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

~ Isaiah 40 : 28 - 31

Children's Play

Every now and then, my second son would go at lengths to create an imaginary world. Together with his younger sister, they would spend several days planning an event which they would get the rest of the family to participate in. Last week, it was a dinner at a "fancy restaurant which is cheap and good".  My son prepared an extensive menu, from appetizers to mains to desserts and drinks, based on what he would normally eat when we go out for weekend family meals. The ingredients, mostly plastic, were organised on their beds. He invented a form of Teppanyaki where the chef throws the cut food into the guests' mouths. The bill was exorbitant and the door was kept locked until I paid the bill.

And several weeks back they organised a concert. He planned out the programme over a few days, occasionally asking me how to spell random words. When it was completed the programme was blu-tacked to his room wall and he regularly reminded all of us to set aside time for it. He used clothe tags which he collected from our previous purchases as concert tickets. Torchlights and toys with light displays were used for a light show in the dark. There were various music genres - a imaginary flute for a classical tune and a sport cap worn backwards for hip-hop. They were both well coordinated, knowing what to do and what to use as they moved from one part of the programme to another.

Yesterday, he started an in-house postal service. I was barely awake when he came into the room with individual plastic sleeves taken from his clear-folder and a permanent marker. He wrote the names of each family member on the individual sleeves and blu-tacked them to each bedroom. There was also one for the living room labelled the "Post". He asked all of us to write letters to each other and drop it at the "Post" so that it gets delivered to the intended recipients. The master bedroom is "Money Road", my eldest son's room is "Strong Road" and the room which he shares with his sister is called "Bully Free Road". He told me that we were using our mobile phones too often and that we should be sending each other letters instead. What wisdom. So this morning before we left for church, I wrote a very short letter to each member of the family. My daughter dressed up as the "postgirl", a ladybug bag pack and a Disney Princesses metal box, to collect the letters for delivery. 

They surprise me with their ideas and how they re-interprete the use of every day things in the imaginary world. They bring to life what is in their heads through detailed preparation and practice. Through their eyes everything is possible and nothing is a limitation. They inject humour and pearls of wisdom that speak to grown-ups who sometimes over-complicate life. 

God often uses my children to remind me that there is a better way and a greater purpose in life. It was apt that I wrote each of them a short thank you letter today.

Weather in Maldives

Yesterday we were stuck indoors pretty much the whole day. It rained soon after breakfast and the storm didn't clear up until about 5pm. My eldest son caught up on school revision whilst the two younger kids did a TV marathon. My wife was hooked on a Korean-drama and I caught up on some sleep. The cool winds and hypnotic rhythms of sea made for a therapeutic afternoon nap. Pointless trying to fight a storm. Rainy days have their charm too.

According to the weather forecast, there was likelihood of more rain today. So I decided to take a walk around the island in early in the morning to take some photos with the SLR. It is often on these morning walks by myself during holidays that I chance upon new and interesting things. I take the time to look up and down, near and far. I would try out the longer route, which would not make me very popular with the kids if they tag along. I will snap the same subject from several angles, soak it all in and visualise how to tell a story in the photobook. 

As I walked along the beach, I was surprised by the sight of a baby black tip shark. It was swimming calmly along the shallow waters. I, on the other hand, was not so calm, trying to video the shark, take photos of it, and take more pictures with my phone, and wefies as well - me and the shark. I followed the shark until it disappeared from sight. As I walked on, I sighted 7 other similar sharks. Although I probably took enough photos and videos of the first encounter, I could not help myself but take more. 

With the photos, I later managed to convince my family to take a walk after breakfast to see if they could catch a glimpse of the sharks. We did not see any along the beach possible because by then it was warmer, but caught sight of a pair in deeper waters from the jetty. What else but more photos and videos. Just as we were about to leave the jetty, some guests returned from their deep water fishing excursion. Their catch included 2 very long and large deep sea fishes. There was a lot of excitement because the largest catch, a wahoo, was still moving. 

After all the excitement, we spent the late morning and afternoon doing our own things.  I took my second son for cycle boating and snorkelling along the reef wall. He later spent 2 hours catching the waves as he sat along the beach talking to himself whilst I rested on a crescent shaped beach sofa under a coconut tree. My daughter decided to stay at home because she didn't want to get sand on her feet today. Mommy had a sleep in to recover from the late night of K-drama. My eldest son went for a turtle tour. No turtles sighted but he was pleased with the everything else that he did see. It ended up not raining today. The younger kids are now sitting on the stairs watching the big waves splash against the sides of the villa. 

Not everything turned out as planned, certainly not the weather. But quality family time all the same.

A fisherman looked out to sea, he made a little wish, that God would keep him safe today and help him catch some fish ~ A Fisherman's Wish, Gary Bunt

Being Still in Maldives

We decided to spend the week long September school holidays in Maldives. I didn't do that much planning when I booked the holiday. How to you figure out which was the best amongst more than a thousand islands? I merely looked up booking.com for what seemed like a decent resort at a decent price. Later I found out that Outrigger Konotta Maldives Resort situated at the Gaafu Dhaalu Atoll is about 350km south of Male. It is 1 hour ahead of the Male timezone. After the 4.5 hour flight from Singapore to Male, there was a 3 hour wait for a 55 minute internal flight on Maldivian Air to Kaadedhdhoo Airport. After a 1/2 hour wait to sought out the luggage, we took a 10 minutes walk to the jetty for a 1/2 hour boat transfer to the resort. Had I known that it would take 12 hours door to door, I am not sure if I would have picked this resort.

But once here, I was awestruck by its beauty. It is a lovely resort with soft white sands and lush greenery to shade you from the warm tropical afternoon sun. It has that small South Indian village feel as you stroll around the island. The two room villa we booked was far larger and more luxurious than we had expected. The balcony opens up to an infinity pool and at the side are the stairs that lead you down to the dual blue waters of the Indian Ocean. Idyllic escape. We're probably the first to introduce kids to this honeymooner island.

Due to 3 hours time difference, I woke up at 3am this morning. I rolled around in bed for awhile before deciding to get up. I sat on the deck chair at the balcony to take in the sea breeze and the sounds of waves. Later my wife joined me and we both sat there staring in awe at the multitudes of stars in the clear morning skies. It reminded me of something I had read a couple of days back about the certainty of a Creator God and His immense authority. His authority to call the stars into existence. This is the same God who created the waters that are teeming with marine creatures. We saw this when we went to the beach after our breakfast. Fishes of various shapes and colours, giant clams and corals. I was fortunate enough to spot a baby black tip shark. God spoke this ecosystem into existence and set in them the instructions to multiply. Snorkeling at the drop zone reminds me again of how vast God's creative canvass is.

In the evening, I sat with my younger kids on the villa stairs to look at more fishes and the rising tides. In those peaceful moments, I was suddenly reminded of a Don Moen song "Be Still my Soul". The God who set the stars at the heights of the universe and placed the fishes in the depths of the ocean is sat at the stair with me. Whether this was me trying to fit in as many family vacations as I could in case I run out of time, or whether this was my escape from the thoughts of cancer, or whether this was just another beach holiday, whatever the reason, God is in my midst. He too is a father watching over his children, spending time with them. For this reason, I can be still.

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Cease from the labor and the toil
Refreshing springs of peace await
The troubled minds and hearts that ache

Be still my soul,  God knows your way
And He will guide, For His name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of His grace
Rest in the arms of His embrace

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Though battles round you rage and roar
One thing you need and nothing more
To hear the whisper of your Lord

Be still My child, I know your way
And I will guide, For My name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of My grace
Rest in the arms of My embrace

Be still, be still my soul

~ Be Still My Soul, Don Moen

The New Normal

I finished the 4th cycle of chemo today. This means I have passed the halfway mark for my treatment. It is time to revisit what normalcy ought to be when I am finally done with the treatment in October.  I first wrote about this in mid-June. It has taken me so long to muse about this during the treatment. I worry whether I will brush aside the idea of a new normal if I don't make a commitment and put it into practise before I finish my treatment. 

At a fellowship that I went to at the beginning of the treatment a friend reminded me that this disease is not from God. This is not his way to rein me in, it is not his leash. Genes, predispositions, environmental hazards, choices in life conscious or subconscious, all of these are like that pot of water slowly put to boil and I am that human frog. But God takes captive of such situations and gives us the opportunity to work with Him to turn it into something good. I have experienced this in the past so I know this to be true.  Ironically when things get better, we can end up forgetting all the important disciplines that got us back on our feet. We put our foot back on the paddle and accelerate on our human pursuits. Nothing wrong with human pursuits, we do it for noble reasons, but we can lose sight of the big picture in life.

I believe the biggest part of the new normal for me will have to be about claiming back unproductive time and to spend it in communion with God. Turning the stresses, worries, indignation and disbelieves into conversations with God. Less time on the mobile phone and more time meditating on the truths from the author of life to replace the distorted worldview which has built a stronghold in my head. This is less of a human pursuit and more of a human posture in God's presence. Seems like a shortcut, but it may be a good idea to take this as the first step and let His wisdom guide me on what the rest of the new normal looks like.

All set.

Setiap hari ku, Mohon agar Kau sentiasa
Memberiku ketenangan, Dalam hati... kekuatan
Menempuh segala dugaan yang mencabar ini
Pasti punya retinue

Engkau beriku harapan, Menjawab segala persoalan
Hadapi semua dalam tenang, Dengan merasa kesyukuran
Ku doa Kau selalu, Mengawasai gerak-geriku
Berkatilah ku perlu rahmat dari Mu

Oh Tuhan terangkan hati dalam sanubariku
Untuk menempuhi segala hidup penuh cabaran ini
Oh Tuhan ku berserah segalanya kepadaMu
Agar jiwaku tenang dengan bimbingan Mu selalu

Ada kalanya ku merasa hidup ini seperti kaca
Jikalau tidak bersabar, Hancur berderailah akhirnya
Tabahkanlah hatiku, Melalui semua itu ooh... 
Kuatkanlah,Cekalkanlah diriku

~ Ku Mohon
Lyrics: Mac Chew/ Sheila Majid



  

Metabolic Resolution

I am backtracking to last Monday. I did the mid-treatment scan and the results indicate that all the hotspot, except one, show metabolic resolution. Yes indeed, what does that really mean? The medical jargons de-personalise it by leading you into thinking that it is about "the subject" and not you. I caught myself looking at the name of the report a couple of times as if to confirm that it is really my report. Or perhaps I sub-consciously did that because it was the only part of the report I could comprehend.

What I went for was a F-18 Flourodeoxyglucose (FDG) Positron Emission Tomographic (PET) scan coupled with non-contrast Computed Tomography (CT) scan. Essentially I took radioactive sugar as a tracer. The level of tracer uptake by the cells in the body are markers for cancer. Malignant cells metabolise glucose at a much faster rate than healthy cells. The results are correlated with the 3D  x-rays from the CT scan to give the doctor a pretty good idea of what is happening inside down to the cellular level.

Metabolic resolution means that the metabolic process in the areas that were previously hotspots is back to normal, hence a resolution. I wouldn't blame you for thinking that it meant the PET scan resolution has picked up some unusual activities there. Always useful to have the oncologist guide you through the report. So very positive news. The treatment is working as intended. "The previously noted FDG-avid lymph node in the para-oesophageal region has reduced in metabolic activity and size". That is the remaining malignant cells that still need to be cleared out over the course of the next 3 months. The oncologist said that overall the results are within expectations and nothing out of the ordinary.

Someone asked me whether I was happy with the result? I took a moment to figure out a response. I wasn't happy as in I was jumping out and down. I wasn't particularly stressed up about what the scan may say because I have in some ways learnt to take it as it comes. Nevertheless relieved, even though there is remnant that needs to clear up. Thankful is perhaps a better description.

I am thankful for so much support, encouragement and prayers over the last few months. And I am thankful that God speaks loudly and clearly in uncertain times.


As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”
~ Isaiah 55: 10-13

Drawing Near

I wrote about this several weeks back, about God speaking in no unclear terms. It happened again this past few days. I want to write it down before I forget, but honestly, what great lost if I were to forget.

Mid last week, I prayed as I was driving in to  work in the morning. One thing I have been doing for the last 6 months has been to tune the radio to the classical music station. Much as I enjoy Kiss 92 FM, it is too much distraction for a morning prayer. I prayed about certain disappointments in my life, not cancer. Deep inside I know that disappointments take root because I allow them to, and I allowed it because they were the most satisfying humanly response to those situations. And God's prompting over the last few months has been that He is enough for me.

And to that I told God that I believe He is there but sometimes it feels like I am making excuses for Him - that he is there even though nobody can see him, that he is always good even though many things around us aren't good at all. As I write this I am resting from a medical procedure in the hospital and I can hear a young child crying in fear as he undergoes his procedure. What is a child doing in the radiology department any way? Sometimes it feels like God absentism.  I don't really believe it but it does feel that way at times. When I got into the office that morning, I flipped my devotional calendar to the correct day as I hadn't been referring to it for a few days. I was speechless when I realised that that day's devotion was about God being the only one who can fill us up completely. Nothing else was going to be enough. 

I got up early yesterday morning after rolling in bed for an hour. I was about to go for a walk but decided against it because it looked like rain was coming. It was the right call because the rain came very soon after. Rainy days are great for thinking so I got back under the duvet. I thought about my keeping-a-safe-distance relationship with God. You hear me talking about God quite a bit, but we don't have a best buddy status. I certainly wasn't loving "the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength". I told God just that, that I honestly struggle to feel the Shema. 

God certainly heard me that morning. When I got to church, one of the pastoral team members who has been praying for me gave me John Bevere's book "Drawing Near, A Life of  Intimacy with God".  The back cover urges the reader "not to settle for the dry shadow of Christianity that knows about God without knowing God. The incredible invitation from the Creator of the universe is not just to worship Him from afar with words and rituals, but to enter a relationship so meaningful and intimate that you know His heart, and He knows yours".  That might as well have been the words of my prayer earlier that morning. The sermon that morning also spoke directly to me. Based on Psalm 8, the message was about us being created, cherished and commissioned by God for His purpose. 

It feels like @God is following my mental tweets, and responding to them.


When I consider your heavens,
 the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
 which you have set in place,
4 what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?
Psalm 8 : 3-4

His Eyes on the Sparrow

Monday is my mid-treatment PET scan. I completed 3 cycles of chemo and it is time to see how effective the treatment has been in clearing out the lymphoma from my body. I go in early morning for a blood test to see whether my white blood count has improved since last Thursday where it looked pretty low. If it remains low, the doctor may give me an additional set of booster jabs. After the blood test I head to the radiology department to make the necessary preparations for the scan. I've already set  my mobile's alarm to remind me a few times on Monday morning to go nil by mouth. If I forget, I will have to cancel the scan and still pay for the radioactive tracers, which would be an expensive mistake to make.

The scan results will be ready on the same day for the oncologist to run through with me. Typically, the treatment that I am on should clear up the lymphoma after 3 cycles, so I am hoping for the best. I have done my part, everything else is in God's good hands. If the outcome is good, then that is a wonderful outcome. If the outcome is not so good, I will still trust that He hasn't overlooked me. His eyes are on the sparrow. He has a story for me to live out and by His grace I shall learn to live it out faithfully. His eyes are on the sparrow.

Recently a friend from Hong Kong messaged me to see how I was getting on. When I asked her how she was, she said "I'm focusing on the good things only so all good and well!" Words of wisdom which I will be borrowing from her.


Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? 
Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 
And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 
So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Matthew 10: 29-31

Nerves

Friday nights ought not to be so stressful. I hadn't plan to watch the Olympics Games but while I was waiting for my dinner I decided to see what was on. Turned out to be the Men's Badminton semi-finals between Malaysia's Lee Chong Wei and China's Lin Dan. It was a torture to watch. Both these men were going all out to make each other lose. Punch for punch, it was brutal. Not knowing for sure just drives me crazy. If there was a way to fast forward the live telecast, I would have pressed the button.

I skipped over most of the other semi-final match. It wasn't a close fight and I needed some shut eye because I realised that the Women's Finals was next. Turned out to be a good strategy because the Spain vs India finals was another nail-biter. I've not been following badminton for a long time so I have not seen either women play before. Spain's Carolina was the strong favourite but India's Sindhu put up an excellent fight. The women were more vocal during the match compared to their male counterparts. It felt like the Grand Slams.

Just when I thought the live telecast was over, I realised that the Men's Doubles Finals was next. I was a bag of nerves watching that match. I could almost picture my brother in KL going hysterical over the closely fought match. Both teams were equally forceful and it could have gone either way.  If there was a way to call it a draw, somebody would have because it was too hard to watch either teams lose. But at last, China won and you could see the visible pain on one of the Malaysian player's face. Disappointment is bitter. The agony of defeat.

I stumbled on the matches while waiting for my dinner and ended up with more than 5 hours of nerves. And my mind is still on hyperdrive now. If I was playing, I would have been overcome by the fear of defeat. I salute these athletes who dare to try, dare to fight and dare to lose for the sake of trying to win.

Arrivals

Two days ago, our very close family friends welcomed the arrival of their first daughter / grand-daughter / niece in Melbourne. The long wait was over and the parents' hard work well rewarded. She looks like the perfect bundle. We got to see photos of each family member taking their turn to carry the baby girl.  The photos perfectly captured the joy and excitement that can only come with a newborn. It is a mystery of life perfectly captured in time. The baby girl is like a new niece to us and a little cousin sister to our kids. My youngest daughter is promoted from her Mei Mei (little sister) status to Cheh Cheh (big sister) although she was still somewhat confused about who gave birth. From the moment this baby was in her mother's womb she was well loved, yet the love multiplied many times over as we all see her in person. For us in Singapore, we hope to meet her in person in December.

In Singapore, there was another arrival that was much anticipated this week. Joseph Schooling flew back to sunny Singapore on Monday to share his amazing win at the Rio Olympics. He was greeted with a water canon salute when the flight landed in Changi Airport. A large crowd of  hysterical fans greeted him at the arrival gate and the arrival hall, and it was livestreamed on Facebook. The most endearing moment was probably when he and his father met and embraced. A long awaited moment in both their lives - lots of hoping, hard work and sacrifices finally bore fruits. Yet this victory is only the beginning of an amazing journey in their lives. The rest of Singapore has been hoping to catch a glimpse of Joseph as he make his rounds. This is in every way a hero's welcome home.

These moments, when people finally meet those whom they have been longing to meet, are like flash forwards to the great reception in heaven. Each soul comes with a story of anguish, sweat, pain, loneliness and sacrifice without knowing if victory is certain. Some have been swimming in hopelessness whilst others have tripped and fallen many times on their arduous race. Yet something in-built have called them to carry on to fight the good fight. With only a step to the finishing line, some have lost their limbs and sight, their dignity, their courage. They only muster one final breath to cross the line. And in that very moment the full glory of heaven is revealed to them.

They fall into the embrace of their Father who has been yearning for their arrival. He sees their brokenness and gives them new bodies. The great cloud of witnesses celebrate in jubilation as another soul has overcome. Those who shared earthly lives together runs forward to rejoice at the long awaited reconciliation. They all share in a welcome feast at the Lord's table. He anoints them with oil and gives them the crown of life. 

The glorious arrival in the house of the Lord.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23:6