Confusion

I wasn't annoyed because I have come to accept delays. In preparation for cycle 5 planned for tomorrow, I did a full blood count on Saturday morning. I was so sure the count was going to be fine because only 2 weeks ago it was at the highest it has ever been since I started chemo. It was so high it surprised me then. When I got home, the oncologist messaged to tell me that the count was low. He sent me a copy of the results and it was the lowest it has ever been since I started the treatment. I will have to wait for a week to repeat the test.

What I am though is confused. Not angry confused but humbled confused. Confused that the blood count can be so volatile, humbled because yet again I am reminded that I am not in control. If there is a formula to this, I have yet to figure it out. That goes for developing lymphoma in the first place. I also don't have the formula to explain why the smallest lymphoma hotspot has not disappeared when all the other spots that were larger have.  I am missing a couple of variables in my equations.

The last couple of months have reminded me of how little we know as humans. We know a lot more than we use to but not enough by any measure. We try to find a formula to everything, sometimes to the point of absurdity. We try to correlate everything to anything and sell it as scientific research. Snake oil.

And then there are times we try to fit God into a formula. Fortunately, our God does not conform to the limits of our human mind. Beyond our human understanding, God created time and space. Beyond what we deserve, He created an escape plan for a fallen world which involved Him coming into the world through virgin birth. Beyond our capacity to save ourselves, He was slain as an unblemished lamb to atone for our sins. Grace too can be confusing.

I have learnt to just go with the flow. I don't have to fully understand everything. Now is there a formula to a cheery working Monday?


Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

~ Isaiah 40 : 28 - 31