Allegria

Yesterday we attended my second son's first primary school choir performance. I have really been looking forward to it the whole month. But this almost didn't happen. You may recall back last year, in Father and Son I talked about how he refused to participate in a programme the school selected him for. This was it - the choir.  

So it was apt that they started the evening with "It is Good to Give Thanks to the Lord". As I sat there with my family, I really do have a lot to thank God for. Thankful that he was enjoying himself on stage, thankful that his elder brother prioritised the concert over a class gathering, and thankful that I made it through the last couple of months. The choir followed on with "Take These Wings". I cant pronounce Steve Kupferschmid and have never heard of Don Besig, but what a uplifting song about the wonderful gift of life, whether you are at the beginning of it or at the end.

Songs from diverse genre followed including "Sing" by the Carpenters, Rodgers and Hammerstein's "My Favourite Things", Panis Angelicus which means Bread of Angels in Latin, and "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars. Somewhere in the middle, a little girl, I think from Primary 2, called Faith gave a solo performance of "Blessing" by Laura Story". Through the song, the girl reminded the audience that maybe the "trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise". The gift of child-like innocent faith in truly a blessing.

It was such an enjoyable evening. I am amazed how kids so young can put on such a great show. And there is something about watching your kid from afar giving his best and loving the moment, especially when he is in his smart white shirt and bow tie. Maybe it is seeing him take the wings and learning to fly.

I found a sparrow lying on the ground
Her life, I knew, would soon be at an end
I knelt before her as she made a sound
And listened as she said, 'My friend...

Chorus:
Take these wings and learn to fly
To the highest mountain in the sky
Take these eyes and learn to see
All the things so dear to me.

Take this song and learn to sing
Fill your hearts with all the joy of spring
Take this heart and set it free
Let it fly beyond the sea.'

I found another sparrow on the sand
A tiny bird whose life had just begun
I picked him up and held him in my hand
I smiled at him and said, 'My son...

~ Take These Wings, Steve Kupferschmid & Don Besig

Monopoly Deal

My second son introduced us to Monopoly Deal today. For the uninitiated, this is the card version of the popular board game. My son played it with his school friends earlier this week and asked me to get it for him when we were at Toys R Us today. The box says "Play in 15 minutes". I thought about the time I could potentially save compared to playing the board game, not to mention the effort required to set up the board and to pack it up when we are done playing. No-brainer, I agreed to buy it.

Turns out that it is quite different from the board game and far more vicious. Based on cards that you pick from the draw pile, the first player that acquires 3 full set of properties wins the game. However, there are various Action Cards - the Sly Deal card allows you to steal a property from someone else, the Force Deal card allows you to swap properties with another player and the Deal Breaker allows you to take a full set of property from any player! If you possess a Just Say No card, which my daughter refers to as Say Just No, you can cancel the effect of the Action Cards. Wouldn't it be handy to have some Say Just No cards in life. 

Then there are these cards that allow you to extort money from other players. The Happy Birthday card requires each player to give you a $2M gift; the cost of having expensive friends. The Rent cards which require either one or all players to pay you exorbitant rent, based on a property bubble presumably. These have to be used with care to avoid unnecessary tears during the game. So if I have to use them, I would get my son to pay up the rent. However, there was one game where I asked my son twice in a row, and he asked me to direct the Rent card to my daughter instead. The 5 year old was okay to foot out the $3M rent. Right after that was my son's turn, and he served up a Debt Collector card to my daughter which meant that she had to dish out another $5M. The financial distress was too much for her to handle and she burst out in tears. Without my prompting, my son held her arm and told her that she did not have to pay him. My son wouldn't make a very good debt collector; he could have considered offering a loan restructuring instead. The sweet gesture pacified her and the game could continue.

I forgot that with card games, they usually make me play at least 3 rounds with them. 15 minutes x 3 would have been 15 minutes longer than the 30-minute rule than I impose on the board game version of Monopoly. I clearly got outsmarted.

The ups and downs of games time with the kids.

Hope

To celebrate the completion of the chemo treatment, I asked a friend whether she would paint something for me. I wanted something to remind me of the hope that we have in Jesus in life's circumstances. I gave her Bible passages from Genesis 2-3, Isaiah 53 and John 19-20 as a synopsis of the Good News and asked her to paint Jesus crucified. Today I took delivery of the lovely painting and hung it up. As we approach the season of Advent, this is also a reminder of the reason for the season. 

I hadn't noticed earlier, but I just realised that now, side by side, are 2 paintings that depict the start and end of Jesus' earthly life. The other painting is a Chinese water colour of the Magi travelling from the east to witness the new born Messiah. My second son who was inspecting the painting was also pleasantly surprised when he noticed this. He said one painting was of Jesus "borning" and the other about his death. Not expecting his younger sister to be able to figure out what the new painting was about, he was amused when she said "Jesus dying to save the whole world". The simplicity of Christmas story. 

This morning, at church, the visiting pastor told us a little bit about his past. He told us he was a school drop out, and later became a drug-addict which eventually landed him in jail. It was during the time in jail that he personally accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour, even though he was born into a Catholic family. His life was so transformed that he became a witness for God. God's arms were pinned open onto the cross to offer grace to anyone and everyone who seeks it. The tranformational power of the cross.

The cross has been a constant reminder to me over the last couple of months that we have a God who understands our circumstances. He faced accusations, suffering, betrayal and humiliation, and ultimately death, but he faced it all humbly.  And in His death and resurrection, He revealed to us that there is eternal life. The eternal hope we have in Christ.


Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

~ Once Again, Matt Redman

In Control

It is taking me slightly longer to get back into routine in this last cycle of chemo. A bit of insomnia at the beginning followed by binge sleeping over the next couple of days. In between, is the lethargy. I resorted to Netflix to provide my brain with the much needed stimulation. I paced myself, 2 to 3 episodes of The Crown over the last few days. I am not entirely sure how much of the script is factual but there was enough history weaved into the story for me to feel I was watching something important. And if you forget everything else, you will still be left with an overwhelming sense of duty over self. Claire Foy was masterful in her portrayal of the young Queen trying to find her footing as the sovereign in the fast changing post-war Britain society. She sought the find the balance between being herself and being the Queen.

I particularly enjoyed John Lithgow's rendition of Churchill. One of the series' sub-plots was how Churchill dealt with his waning popularity even though the Conservative Party had regained power in the 1951 General Elections. The man who had led Britain to victory against Nazi Hitler was portrayed as a man who had lost his spark and lacked the focus to deal with the domestic economic issues facing Britain. 

In one episode, Lithgow's Churchill came face to face with his own mortality as he confronted Graham Sutherland, who had painted a full-length portrait of him. It was commission by the two Houses to commemorate Churchill's 80th birthday. Churchill hated the portrait and later summoned Sutherland to his home in Chartwell for a dress down. He poured out his contempt onto the artist for portraying him as "a broken, sagging, pitiful creature" and that it was "cruel". To which Sutherland responded "Age is cruel! If you see decay, it's because there's decay. If you see frailty, it's because there's frailty. I can't be blamed for what is. And I refuse to hide and disguise what I see. If you're engaged in a fight with something, then it's not with me. It is with your own blindness."

Yesterday morning, I nudged myself to go for a morning walk after dropping my daughter off at the kindergarten. I decided to visit St George's Church in Tanglin. We often drive by this wonderful Anglican church on the way to Dempsey Hill and I've always wanted to visit. I was the only one there at that time of the morning. I sat down to say a quiet prayer and thank God for getting me through the last few months. I read from Isaiah 45 and was reminded that everything is in God's sovereign hands even when it is incomprehensible to the human mind. And as if to answer the question of how I should view each day going forward, I saw the words taken from John 16:33 on the stained glass window "Be of Good Cheer, I Have Overcome the World".

My apologies if this blogpost is all over the place - Netflix, The Crown, Lithgow's Churchill and my visit to a church. It may well be a form of madness to see patterns where they don't exist! How I would sum it up is this - we spend a lot of energy and effort to make our lives work. Whether it is a call of duty or whether mixed in there somewhere is our difficulty in letting go. Sometimes it is just a matter of survival, fighting an illness or waning popularity or both. Or pushing back the thoughts of ageing and the frailty that comes with it. After so much of your life has been expended, and you don't feel like there is much more you can afford to give, what happens? Can you afford to let go and will it turn cruel?

I think we need to see life for what it is, and God for who He is, and rest upon the assurance of the work He has already done on the cross for us.


When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most, 
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

~ When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, Isaac Watts

His Presence

The very last session of chemo this morning. It is odd. I have been so looking forward to finish the treatment and it got a bit frustrating on the occasions when it was delayed. Yet this past week, and especially this two days at the clinic, I feel circumspect. Not entirely sure if it is the right word. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that this is finally going to be over and I shall go out for a meal with my family to celebrate. I definitely did not form a psychotic attachment to chemo. As you probably know by now I get sentimental about a lot of things but not about this treatment for sure.

It is also not so much about what's next either. I do have to sit down and think about what further adjustments to make to my life. I don't have the chemo to kill the bad cells going forward and I also don't have to worry about not eating well enough to keep the blood count up. So I should be cutting back on the calories. I don't have to spoil myself as much after this treatment is over, so a stricter diet and going back on an exercise routine is going to be important. I will keep up with the family holidays for sure because that can only be a good thing!

I sat down at the dining area for a short meditation before I left for the clinic this morning. I closed my eyes, cleared my thoughts and took deep cleansing breaths. I did that for a few minutes. And then the song that we sang in the church service last Sunday came to mind - "You are Awesome in This Place". I am not great with lyrics so I just hummed the tune. After that, I left for the clinic. 

When I arrived at the clinic, and as the nurse was preparing to insert the intravenous needle, I felt I really needed to distract myself from the pain. I have really become a baby when it comes to needles these days. I searched for the song that I was humming at home on youtube and played it. It seemed to have worked, the needle prick wasn't half as painful today. I then checked my phone to see where the GBP exchange rate was this morning after the British High Court concluded that PM May could not trigger the formal Brexit process without Parliament's backing. The rate was so much higher! Then I saw the whatsapp message that my sister sent through. It was a poster with this quote:

"When you enter His presence with praise, He enters your circumstances with power"

An awesome revelation to my circumspection. I needed to take in the moment to remind myself that when we face adversity, we also enter into His presence in a very powerful way. When the possibility of death grips the mind, your Heavenly Father enfolds you.  

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18

He speaks with clarity and in power when we don't know what to think about the road ahead. He strengthens you and makes you better even when you think that you are at your lowest point and these is no upside. And indeed there is very little upside to getting cancer. He reminds you of the eternal perspective. 

It is a privilege to enter His presence, to pass the gates of praise into His sanctuary. All by the grace offered by Christ Jesus who died for our sins.


As I come into Your presence

Pass the gates of praise
Into Your sanctuary
Til we're standing face to face
I look upon Your countenance
I see the fullness of your grace
I can only bow down and say... 

You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
You are awesome in this place, Abba Father
You are worthy of all praise
To You our lives we raise
You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
~ You are Awesome in this Place, Hillsong United

Side-effects

I am in the clinic for the last cycle of chemo. As usual, I had to clear the blood test first. The phlebotomist was a familiar face from a couple of weeks back, a friendly Indian lady by the name of Mala. The last time she took my blood she wished me Happy Birthday in advance (this line could work very well in a vampire movie). This time round she asked me how I celebrated my birthday.

The last time round I mentioned to her that it may be my imagination that procedures involving needles were getting more painful. She told me that it wasn't my imagination. I googled and it could be  what is known as superficial thrombophlebitis. Today as she was taking my blood, the blood stopped flowing after she collected 1 vail of blood. She resorted to the other hand for the remaining 3 vails. I googled this too and it could be hypercoagulation due to the chemo.

After 2 hours of waiting, I got the blood count results and I was cleared for the chemo. I have just started and I now typing with my right middle finger taped firmly to my index finger, of the same hand in case you were wondering. Slightly drowsy from the medication. I whatsapp the group who has been supporting me in prayer and they have been coming back to me with well wishes and praising God for His goodness. One of them told me that yesterday she dreamt of me smiling. As I come to the end of the treatment, I am so thankful for each one of them for keeping me in prayers. Feeling a bit emotional because so many people have been fussing over me and pointing me towards God's promises in the last few months. Maybe the emotions  is a side-effect of the chemo too.

What are the longer term-side effect? Able to sense more clearly what is feels like when death comes knocking on my door. Able to understand a lot better why pride, arrogance, human accolades are so pointless and deceiving. Able to draw on experience that God and His people will be in the midst of the storm that I am in. A distrust that this is all there is to life. A stronger believe that there is a heaven and we are all closer to it than we think.

At all times I will bless Him His praise will be in my mouth My soul makes its boast in the Lord The humble man will hear of Him The afflicted will be glad And join with me to magnify the Lord Let us exalt His name together, forever I sought the Lord, He heard me And delivered me from my fears. Let us exalt His name together, forever 0 sing His praises magnify the Lord The angel of the Lord encamps Round those who fear His name To save them and deliver them from harm Though lions roar with hunger We lack for no good thing No wonder then we praise Him with our song Come children now and hear Him If you would see long life Just keep your mouth from wickedness and lies Do good and turn from evil Seek peace instead of strife Love righteousness and God will hear your cry

The Journey

We attended my daughter's kindergarten year-end concert yesterday morning. It's been 2 years since we've been to one of these back when my second son was at the same school.  We were clearly excited to watch her performance, but I had forgotten how good these productions were. 

The concert started with the graduation ceremony for the K2 kids. Although my daughter isn't in this year's graduating class, it was still quite emotional to watch these very young bubbly kids complete this chapter of their lives and to move on to the much more arduous Singapore education system. The thought brought tears to my wife's eyes. It's a true joy to watch the kids scurry across the stage as their names are called to receive their graduation scroll. It's emotional to watch them take their bow to a carefree childhood where learning was mostly through play. No turning back.

The concert this year was entitled The Journey. In the year 3000, four children from Planet Alpha takes up a mission to rescue Planet Omega from monster worms and unlivable conditions. These children were given a red box, much like the one that the late Mr. Lee Kuan Yew had, we were told. They were given instructions to open the red box to look for answers when they find themselves in tricky situations. Their journey through time and space and their ups and downs were told through the dances performed by the various classes who had practised their moves since the beginning of term 4. They danced to the turns of Mission Impossible,  Don't Worry, Lean on Me, You Raise Me Up and many more. The story ended with the kids from Planet Alpha finding those whom they were supposed to rescue. We will have to wait until next year for the sequel, The Promise, to see how the journey ends. 

As I watched, I am reminded of how fortunate I have been to have been able to journey with my kids. I wonder where they get all their energy, humour and ideas, and where all these will lead them. They are so full of potential, I pray that they will choose to use it for the greater good. Through the many life experiences, I know that that it is unrealistic to expect only easy days for them so my prayer is that they will remember to open the red box that God has placed in their hearts. I pray that in good times they will give God praise and in adversity they will take courage in His everlasting presence. There comes a time when parents have to bid their kids goodbye and let them sail on in their journey of life. Until that time, I am learning to trust in God with what I cannot see. 

The concert ended with all the kindergarten children and teachers singing The Journey for the finale.

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been.

~ The Journey, Lea Salonga

October

I am an October baby. More than a month back a group of friends had already made arrangements to take me out for dinner. We met up on Wednesday. My brother and his wife were in town last week to see how I was getting on and they took my family out for a lovely dinner at the Botanic Gardens. My second sister will be traveling down from Hong Kong. My eldest sister sent me a lovely handmade card to wish me well. My wife has made lunch reservations to try out an Italian restaurant recommended by a friend. I am slightly embarrassed by all the fuss over my turning one year older.

I was supposed to be starting the final cycle of chemo on my birthday. I was too much of a guy to ask the oncologist to defer it. Seemed like a fuss, so I didn't. Having chemo for my birthday would have been a poignant reminder that we are all passing through the passage of time between birth and a better place, sometimes stumbling through.  Fortunately, the chemo was pushed back to November due to delays in starting Cycle 5. I did eventually tell the oncologist about it and he said that it wouldn't have been right to make me visit the doctors on my birthday. 

Taking a quiet moment this morning, I am reminded that God has been fussing over me all these years. He's brought really good people into my life. I've been through majestic ups and epic fails, but always supported. There were a number of years I stopped believing that God exists, didn't call Him; but He called anyway, left messages for me, He wanted to chat and asked me to call if I got the chance. When He blessed me with 3 wonderful children, I got the chance to see life from His perspective.

This past 12 month of tremendous changes brought new perspectives too. Organisational restructuring and opting for redundancy, joining a new firm, leading a team through some interesting times, the encounter with the big C. I've learnt not to worry too much. I've learned to let go of pointless self-inflicted frustrations and receive His shalom. My second son's birthday note to me this morning was apt "enjoy your li(f)e! May the[redundant] God Bless you on this day". The birthday cake which my wife ordered to surprise me was apt too - a beach holiday in the Maldives. I have been in good hands these many years, that's not changing. 


As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart and glorify Your Name

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord, give us strength to live for You and glorify Your Name

~ Your Name, Paul Baloche

Children's Day 2016

Today is Children's Day in Singapore. Celebrated on the first Friday of October, kids up to the primary school level get the day off. I have 2 of those and they have been looking forward to "something special".  I am on medical leave to recover from the first few days of the chemo cycle, for one, the insomnia that has been keeping me awake since 1am. I am hoping that I will be able to keep awake later in the day to make it meaningful for them. Their obvious request was to go to McDonald's for breakfast, to which my wife protested. I am left in the "Daddy knows best" situation, so we will figure something out.

Two days ago, my second son sneaked a small Lego box from the playroom to his bedroom. He then sneaked it back to the playroom only to be found out by his sister. And so the sister insisted on seeing what was inside and asked why she doesn't have one. It was a SG50 commemorative Lego gift set which all primary and secondary school kids received a bit more than a year ago. So I tried to pacify Mei Mei by telling her that we have 2 sets at home and I will get her set for her. My son reminded me that the other set belonged to Koh Koh and that the kindergarten kids did not receive the gift set. I wasn't entirely sure why my son didn't want to open the box and share the toy with his bestie so I asked him to keep it away at least until he finished his homework. Peace resumed.

Later in the evening, I found him in the playroom wrapping the Lego set with exercise book paper. He was quietly cutting pieces of cellophane tape to stick it all together. He explained that it was a surprise Children's Day present for Mei Mei. Which perfectly explains what happened earlier in the day. It is kind of a surprise but it isn't, but certainly a nice gesture. When he was done, he looked for a corner to hide it before his sister woke up from her afternoon nap. His strategy was to keep it at the toy corner which has developed in the living room, in hope that his sister would not spot the obvious from the obvious. This didn't work out quite like he expected. Well to be fair, it worked a little bit because Mei Mei only spotted it the next day. And she read the note that said that it was a gift for her. I told her that it was meant to be a surprise gift so she should put it back where she found it and wait for it to be presented to her on Thursday.

Thursday came along. Both of them were happy with their Children's Day celebrations at their respective schools. They both came home with their bags of goodies. My second son said that it was the best day of his life, which is what he says whenever he has had a good day. He told his sister that unlike his friends, he didn't eat the snack that he got from school because he wanted to share it with her. It reminds me of how my siblings would do the same for me when I was the only pre-school child at home. After he put the snacks in the refrigerator, he went on to present the surprise gift to his sister. I took a photo of her happily opening her gift and then left them to it. 

Later in the day, my wife told me that Mei Mei complained to his brother that the box contained an assortment of toys that belonged to her. It turned out that the content wasn't the Lego set. Mei Mei showed me the content in the evening and her brother was there to explain that it was not all her toys, some were from his own collection. I was holding back from laughing but told both of them that it was a very nice gesture. They then took turns to ask me what gift I was getting them for Children's Day.

Wonderful to witness such children humour this Children's Day.


Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him ~ Psalm 127: 3

Cycle 5

Back in May, I blogged about my apprehension with chemo - what it  may be like and what I was doing to prepare myself for it. But after starting the treatment, the slight apprehension I have is whether the next cycle will be delayed and if so by how long. And then after awhile even the delays become a norm. The current cycle, the fifth one, has been delayed twice. 

Three weeks back, at the mid-point of cycle 4, my white blood count (wbc) was at its highest ever at 20+ ths/uL ie 20 thousand white blood cells per microlitres of blood. I checked it out, 1 microlitres is 1/1,000,000,000th of 1 cubic meter. It is mind boggling how many white blood cells (lymphocytes), we have and how tiny they are.  Our lives can't function without these micro-warrior, yet as in my case, if any of them turn to the dark side they can wreck havoc. The chemo destroys both lymphocytes and renegade white blood cells (lymphoma), yet I need enough of lymphocytes to continue with the chemo. A delicate balance.

The normal wbc ranges between 4 - 11 ths/uL, so my immunity at that point in time went through the roof. This was right after I took a set of booster jabs which is part of the regime. Two weeks later, it was down to 2.85 ths/uL. Where did 17 ths/uL suddenly disappear to is anybody's guess. Chemo is split into several cycles to allow our body the time to recover; the body's immunity is supposed to be at its lowest in the middle of the cycle and recover in the second half of the cycle. It was slow to recover in my case.

From past experience, it would nudge up slightly after about 4 days to a level that is closer to 4 ths/uL.  But this time round, despite waiting for another week, my wbc slipped further south to 2.75 ths/uL when I did the test on Monday. Was it a case of the chemo being too effective? So cycle 5 got delayed a second time. The doctor gave me booster jabs for 3 days and the hope was that by Thursday morning my wbc would be back up.  Due to some change of plans I came back to the clinic a day earlier than scheduled. The wbc this morning was back up to 9+ ths/uL. So finally I was cleared to start on cycle 5. I have been here for about 3 hours and another hour to go before the chemo session is completed for today.

I try to manage whatever resources I have, including time, the best I can but situations like this make me acutely aware that I don't have mastery over time or timing. There is a passage from James 4:

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 

Truly, we submit everything to a big awesome God who has mastery over time and smallest of His creations, including lymphocytes. I don't have enough understand of either but fortunately my knowledge and understanding are never pre-requisites for things to work out in life.

5 cycles almost done, and 1 to go, by God's will.


1 Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

~ Psalms 127 : 1 - 2

The Facemask

Yesterday's Facebook throwback photo caught me by surprise. It was a photo of my son wearing a facemask during the worst of the haze problem last year. For a moment I thought it was a picture of me. Although I have done very well in not letting the facemask bother me, there were a few occasions when I felt a bit indignant.

I have this urge to reassure people around me that I don't have a bug and they don't have to feel uncomfortable. When I meet someone for the first time, I am never quite sure if I should extend my handshake because it may put the other person in an awkward position having to shake my hand if they thought I have a bug. I keep reminding myself that I am over-thinking.

Curious kids tend to think I look cool and special with the mask on so I wink at them. The lady from the laundry service who collects my working shirts from the office every Wednesday wonders why I am always wearing a mask. Recently she asked me about it but I don't think she understood my response because she was busy writing out the collection slip and I was brief with my explanation. I did a better job explaining it to the office cleaner even though I spoke in broken Chinese. She wasn't convinced at first and thought I was pulling her leg. When she accepted that I wasn't kidding, she asked me to eat more broccoli. 

I am okay most of the time but seeing that photo of my son was like being a third person looking at myself. For a moment I felt self-pity and I asked myself "Oh my, how did this happen to you?" Maybe it is the same question I would ask if were to look at myself in the mirror in my old age. The sense that this wasn't supposed to happen. Today, as I reflected on this again, I realised that God too sees a likeness of himself wearing a mask when He looks at me. I am reminded that we are all created in His image. I am reminded that that is the reason He had to redeem us by His blood - we were His children from the beginning. I am reminded that my Father watches over me.


I lift up my eyes to the mountains -
  where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord , 
  the Maker of heaven and earth. 

He will not let your foot slip -
  he who watches over you will not slumber; 
indeed, he who watches over Israel 
  will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord watches over you - 
  the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 
the sun will not harm you by day, 
  nor the moon by night. 

The Lord will keep you from all harm- 
  he will watch over your life; 
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
  both now and forevermore.

~ Psalm 121

Confusion

I wasn't annoyed because I have come to accept delays. In preparation for cycle 5 planned for tomorrow, I did a full blood count on Saturday morning. I was so sure the count was going to be fine because only 2 weeks ago it was at the highest it has ever been since I started chemo. It was so high it surprised me then. When I got home, the oncologist messaged to tell me that the count was low. He sent me a copy of the results and it was the lowest it has ever been since I started the treatment. I will have to wait for a week to repeat the test.

What I am though is confused. Not angry confused but humbled confused. Confused that the blood count can be so volatile, humbled because yet again I am reminded that I am not in control. If there is a formula to this, I have yet to figure it out. That goes for developing lymphoma in the first place. I also don't have the formula to explain why the smallest lymphoma hotspot has not disappeared when all the other spots that were larger have.  I am missing a couple of variables in my equations.

The last couple of months have reminded me of how little we know as humans. We know a lot more than we use to but not enough by any measure. We try to find a formula to everything, sometimes to the point of absurdity. We try to correlate everything to anything and sell it as scientific research. Snake oil.

And then there are times we try to fit God into a formula. Fortunately, our God does not conform to the limits of our human mind. Beyond our human understanding, God created time and space. Beyond what we deserve, He created an escape plan for a fallen world which involved Him coming into the world through virgin birth. Beyond our capacity to save ourselves, He was slain as an unblemished lamb to atone for our sins. Grace too can be confusing.

I have learnt to just go with the flow. I don't have to fully understand everything. Now is there a formula to a cheery working Monday?


Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

~ Isaiah 40 : 28 - 31

Children's Play

Every now and then, my second son would go at lengths to create an imaginary world. Together with his younger sister, they would spend several days planning an event which they would get the rest of the family to participate in. Last week, it was a dinner at a "fancy restaurant which is cheap and good".  My son prepared an extensive menu, from appetizers to mains to desserts and drinks, based on what he would normally eat when we go out for weekend family meals. The ingredients, mostly plastic, were organised on their beds. He invented a form of Teppanyaki where the chef throws the cut food into the guests' mouths. The bill was exorbitant and the door was kept locked until I paid the bill.

And several weeks back they organised a concert. He planned out the programme over a few days, occasionally asking me how to spell random words. When it was completed the programme was blu-tacked to his room wall and he regularly reminded all of us to set aside time for it. He used clothe tags which he collected from our previous purchases as concert tickets. Torchlights and toys with light displays were used for a light show in the dark. There were various music genres - a imaginary flute for a classical tune and a sport cap worn backwards for hip-hop. They were both well coordinated, knowing what to do and what to use as they moved from one part of the programme to another.

Yesterday, he started an in-house postal service. I was barely awake when he came into the room with individual plastic sleeves taken from his clear-folder and a permanent marker. He wrote the names of each family member on the individual sleeves and blu-tacked them to each bedroom. There was also one for the living room labelled the "Post". He asked all of us to write letters to each other and drop it at the "Post" so that it gets delivered to the intended recipients. The master bedroom is "Money Road", my eldest son's room is "Strong Road" and the room which he shares with his sister is called "Bully Free Road". He told me that we were using our mobile phones too often and that we should be sending each other letters instead. What wisdom. So this morning before we left for church, I wrote a very short letter to each member of the family. My daughter dressed up as the "postgirl", a ladybug bag pack and a Disney Princesses metal box, to collect the letters for delivery. 

They surprise me with their ideas and how they re-interprete the use of every day things in the imaginary world. They bring to life what is in their heads through detailed preparation and practice. Through their eyes everything is possible and nothing is a limitation. They inject humour and pearls of wisdom that speak to grown-ups who sometimes over-complicate life. 

God often uses my children to remind me that there is a better way and a greater purpose in life. It was apt that I wrote each of them a short thank you letter today.

Weather in Maldives

Yesterday we were stuck indoors pretty much the whole day. It rained soon after breakfast and the storm didn't clear up until about 5pm. My eldest son caught up on school revision whilst the two younger kids did a TV marathon. My wife was hooked on a Korean-drama and I caught up on some sleep. The cool winds and hypnotic rhythms of sea made for a therapeutic afternoon nap. Pointless trying to fight a storm. Rainy days have their charm too.

According to the weather forecast, there was likelihood of more rain today. So I decided to take a walk around the island in early in the morning to take some photos with the SLR. It is often on these morning walks by myself during holidays that I chance upon new and interesting things. I take the time to look up and down, near and far. I would try out the longer route, which would not make me very popular with the kids if they tag along. I will snap the same subject from several angles, soak it all in and visualise how to tell a story in the photobook. 

As I walked along the beach, I was surprised by the sight of a baby black tip shark. It was swimming calmly along the shallow waters. I, on the other hand, was not so calm, trying to video the shark, take photos of it, and take more pictures with my phone, and wefies as well - me and the shark. I followed the shark until it disappeared from sight. As I walked on, I sighted 7 other similar sharks. Although I probably took enough photos and videos of the first encounter, I could not help myself but take more. 

With the photos, I later managed to convince my family to take a walk after breakfast to see if they could catch a glimpse of the sharks. We did not see any along the beach possible because by then it was warmer, but caught sight of a pair in deeper waters from the jetty. What else but more photos and videos. Just as we were about to leave the jetty, some guests returned from their deep water fishing excursion. Their catch included 2 very long and large deep sea fishes. There was a lot of excitement because the largest catch, a wahoo, was still moving. 

After all the excitement, we spent the late morning and afternoon doing our own things.  I took my second son for cycle boating and snorkelling along the reef wall. He later spent 2 hours catching the waves as he sat along the beach talking to himself whilst I rested on a crescent shaped beach sofa under a coconut tree. My daughter decided to stay at home because she didn't want to get sand on her feet today. Mommy had a sleep in to recover from the late night of K-drama. My eldest son went for a turtle tour. No turtles sighted but he was pleased with the everything else that he did see. It ended up not raining today. The younger kids are now sitting on the stairs watching the big waves splash against the sides of the villa. 

Not everything turned out as planned, certainly not the weather. But quality family time all the same.

A fisherman looked out to sea, he made a little wish, that God would keep him safe today and help him catch some fish ~ A Fisherman's Wish, Gary Bunt

Being Still in Maldives

We decided to spend the week long September school holidays in Maldives. I didn't do that much planning when I booked the holiday. How to you figure out which was the best amongst more than a thousand islands? I merely looked up booking.com for what seemed like a decent resort at a decent price. Later I found out that Outrigger Konotta Maldives Resort situated at the Gaafu Dhaalu Atoll is about 350km south of Male. It is 1 hour ahead of the Male timezone. After the 4.5 hour flight from Singapore to Male, there was a 3 hour wait for a 55 minute internal flight on Maldivian Air to Kaadedhdhoo Airport. After a 1/2 hour wait to sought out the luggage, we took a 10 minutes walk to the jetty for a 1/2 hour boat transfer to the resort. Had I known that it would take 12 hours door to door, I am not sure if I would have picked this resort.

But once here, I was awestruck by its beauty. It is a lovely resort with soft white sands and lush greenery to shade you from the warm tropical afternoon sun. It has that small South Indian village feel as you stroll around the island. The two room villa we booked was far larger and more luxurious than we had expected. The balcony opens up to an infinity pool and at the side are the stairs that lead you down to the dual blue waters of the Indian Ocean. Idyllic escape. We're probably the first to introduce kids to this honeymooner island.

Due to 3 hours time difference, I woke up at 3am this morning. I rolled around in bed for awhile before deciding to get up. I sat on the deck chair at the balcony to take in the sea breeze and the sounds of waves. Later my wife joined me and we both sat there staring in awe at the multitudes of stars in the clear morning skies. It reminded me of something I had read a couple of days back about the certainty of a Creator God and His immense authority. His authority to call the stars into existence. This is the same God who created the waters that are teeming with marine creatures. We saw this when we went to the beach after our breakfast. Fishes of various shapes and colours, giant clams and corals. I was fortunate enough to spot a baby black tip shark. God spoke this ecosystem into existence and set in them the instructions to multiply. Snorkeling at the drop zone reminds me again of how vast God's creative canvass is.

In the evening, I sat with my younger kids on the villa stairs to look at more fishes and the rising tides. In those peaceful moments, I was suddenly reminded of a Don Moen song "Be Still my Soul". The God who set the stars at the heights of the universe and placed the fishes in the depths of the ocean is sat at the stair with me. Whether this was me trying to fit in as many family vacations as I could in case I run out of time, or whether this was my escape from the thoughts of cancer, or whether this was just another beach holiday, whatever the reason, God is in my midst. He too is a father watching over his children, spending time with them. For this reason, I can be still.

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Cease from the labor and the toil
Refreshing springs of peace await
The troubled minds and hearts that ache

Be still my soul,  God knows your way
And He will guide, For His name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of His grace
Rest in the arms of His embrace

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Though battles round you rage and roar
One thing you need and nothing more
To hear the whisper of your Lord

Be still My child, I know your way
And I will guide, For My name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of My grace
Rest in the arms of My embrace

Be still, be still my soul

~ Be Still My Soul, Don Moen