Losing Perspective

This past week was a toughie. The rashes were unrelenting. My neck got better but the rashes spread down my entire back and chest. Red patches that gave me goose pimples when I saw them, which then made the condition look even worse. This was something straight out of the Dermatologist Visual Guide to Dermatological Conditions. I kept wondering how it got so bad. I had the same conditional several years back triggered by what I think was a food allergy. I stopped consuming milk related products because I am lactose intolerant, and stayed away from my list of suspicions.

I went for a blood test on Wednesday in preparation for the chemo scheduled for the next day. But in my heart I knew that the outcomes were not going to be great. The doctor's response later that day was cryptic but not unexpected. He said he had a few questions for me when we meet the next day. So yes I still had to make that trip to the doctor even though I knew I wasn't going to be doing the chemo and feeling rather uncomfortable. Health conditions are never convenient.

The itch kept me up Wednesday night so I felt tired as I made my was to the oncologist on Thursday morning. My sister who took time off from work this week accompanied me. The doctor thought maybe I have chicken pox and referred me to a dermatologist. The horrors of chicken pox in my teenage years were forever carved into my mind, this wasn't it.  Two hours later I met up with the dermatologist. He concluded that it was viral, not a drug or food allergy. He gave me drugs to treat the symptoms but I had to wait for the virus to run its course. Things that happen to you when your immunity is low.

I slept a lot the last two day. I didn't even feel like going out for a nice lunch to cheer up, which is unprecedented. I wasn't a happy bunny nor a praise bunny. I avoided thanking God for yet another day, over what? Over some rashes, it is unbelievable. Overwhelmed, I lost perspective. I did ask "God surely it is easy for you to take this really bad itch away?" Humility, patience, obedience, a sense of perspective aren't things I can learn in a lab. I have to learn it like how everyone else learns it. I learn it like how Jesus walked it. I have to let this run its course too.


But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body ~ 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

Bad Itch

This week I felt like I was about to come down with a cold. The younger kids were yet again unwell and there is also a bug going around in the work place. And then I also developed rashes or hives, I don't know which it is, around the neck and shoulders. At one point I was scratching so badly that I thought of the story of Job from the Bible when he was afflicted with "painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head." And then it says that "Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes". My allergy and condition pales in comparison so I am not drawing any parallels. Mine were not sores and they were not painful and no I certainly did not resort to broken pottery. But like the beginning of the book of Job, I did have that moment of as-if-it-wasn't-bad-enough; compounding chemo and wearing a facemask most of the time with a cold and a bad itch!

Job had a painful story. He was a godly man who suddenly lost all his children, wealth and health in the blink of an eye and he spends more than 40 chapters trying to figure out why all this happened. His struggle reminds us that even if we are feeling incredibly lousy or itchy, we are not the only ones who have felt that way. It reminds us that pain, suffering and discomforts are part of our humanity, and Job was at the extreme end of that spectrum. And from Job's story we have the benefit of knowing that God gives us the space to download our emotions and to be brutally honest about how we feel. He does not expect us to play happy bunny, not to Him and not to the people around us. And for the same reason, the rest of the Bible records the stories of many more weepers, strugglers and doubters. 

Towards the end of the book of Job, it says that the "LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first." But ironically when God himself took the form of a man to pay the price of our sin, His suffering ended in death. Unlike Job, Jesus didn't regain a great fortune or live 140 years. When Job questioned God about his misery, he didn't know that God had already planned out His own suffering. Job prophetically declared:

You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Job didn't yet know of Jesus or that His death would defeat death itself, but he prophetically declared:

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

I resorted to WhatsApp to broadcast my sorry state to a group of friends and family who have committed to pray for me. I managed to sleep well that night and didn't wake up the next morning with a runny nose or sore throat. My itch is still there but not as bad, certainly not as bad as Job got it.


The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
Great is Your faithfulness
Lamentations 2:22-23

Moonbeams

My daughter's birthday is coming up. I ordered her cake a couple of day back and felt rather proud of myself for remembering to indicate the collection date as the day before her birthday. The only problem was that this cake is for the celebration at her kindergarten which is before her actual birthday.  I only figured this out 2 days after I placed the order. I am not sure what triggered my realisation. Perhaps there are real benefits from staring mindlessly at the ceiling.

We were much more organised with the gift packs for her classmates, well my wife was. Organic gummy bears, stickers, Oreos, mini games, a smiley face notepad, fancy pencil and duckie erasers. Gender neutral to save on the confusion of having 2 sets of gift packs.  All ordered online ahead of time. To avoid the mayhem of mispacking, the younger kids were given directions to arrange each set of gifts on the living room floor in a grid. Each set quality assured before they went into the packs.

Organised or disorganised, we busy ourselves to mark these yearly milestones in our lives. Another year of childhood shared wonderfully with us but also another year of wonderful childhood almost over. She is growing up far too quickly, learning to be in charge around her 2 elder brothers. Even at this young age, I catch glimpses of the woman she will become. By God's grace, I hope to be around for her and for myself. 

Lyrics sung in a different context - how do you hold a moonbeam in your hands? I have to learn not to struggle with such thoughts. I have to learn to live in the moment and pay close attention to how bright it shines. 

The Jabs

A couple of days after each chemo treatment, I have some booster jabs to get through. It is meant to stimulate the growth of white blood cells and strengthen my immunity.  There is a more expensive alternative of doing a single jab, but I decided on the more cost efficient option. That means jabs on 5 consecutive days; 4 times more the fun. I do the jabs first thing in the morning so that I don't have to think about it the rest of the day or forget to administer it. Not quite sure which is worse. 

The instruction is to first remove the cap from the syringe carefully so that I don't accidentally poke my fingers because of reflex action. Then place the syringe with the loosen cap in a safe place near me. Pick a spot about 2 fingers width away from either side of my belly button and clean it with an alcohol swab. That is probably the best part, the cool belly. Then comes the jab. 

The drug needs to be injected into fatty tissues below the skin. The spot recommended by the nurse was my belly, probably because she sensed that I wasn't short of belly fat. The needle is relatively short and fine which reduces the anguish. Also no risk of puncturing any of my internal organs. I then have to decide whether I ought to gently stab myself with the syringe or whether I should place the syringe on my belly, try to puncture my skin and slowly nudge the needle in. 

You would think that with a needle so fine and my belly so soft, the needle would go right in as soon as I place the needle on my belly. Like sticking a fork into jello. That may happen, but more often than not when I place the needle on my belly, it hurts and the needle refuses to break the skin. At which point I would exclaim "Oh come on!". Sometimes it takes me 3 to 4 times before I either find a more comfortable spot or shake the jello-like sensation from my hand to finally press the needle firmly against my belly. Getting the needle in is a big relief, but injection the drug feels quite nasty too. 

For those few moments in the morning, I feel like I live in slow motion. As soon as the syringe automatically retract into its case, time speeds up again and I see everything in full colour.


Po: How did I do?
Master Shifu: There is now a level zero
~ Kung Fu Panda

Comforting Reassurance

Today I got one of those comforting reassurances from God that He is walking with me. Not because I am any more special that anyone else, but because He has a special word for all of us.

I attended an earlier Sunday church service this morning because a friend had asked for the elders in that service to pray for me. I was accompanied by my eldest son and my sister who is visiting me from Hong Kong. The rest of my family was at home as my daughter was down with a bug she caught from her first week back at kindie. 

In the Methodist church liturgy, we start off the service with a Call to Worship, which is a responsive reading based on a Bible passage. This morning's passage was from the book of Psalms. I read responsively but had not taken notice of where specifically the verses were from until we got towards the end of the reading:  

How sweet are your words to my taste, 

sweeter than honey to my mouth! ~Psalm 119:103

This is the same verse I ended my last blogpost with. I googled. And there are 31,173 verses in the Bible. Still it could all just be a pure coincidence right? 

I choose not to believe that it is a mere coincidence because I have had similar experiences in the past. It's happened once in a dream, another time when I was in a small town in Tasmania. Recently, prior to being diagnosed with lymphoma, I uttered words of reassurance whilst doing a morning run which is most out of character for me - I am usually completely out of breath and concentration when I run, and would not outwardly verbalise my thoughts, definitely not 3 times. The reassurance that God loves me to prepare me for the impending journey. Enough of such experiences to know that it is not my imagination.  And there are many friends who share similar experiences in their walk with God, especially when they've been through a difficult path.

Special reminders to encourage me along the journey from the One who molded me. Yet they are not too different from my reminders to my kids that I love them and that they are special to me. What's else should we expect from a living and loving God?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future,

nor any powers, 

neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~ Romans 8:38-39