Father and Son

Last Sunday, on our way home with my second son, he told me that he would take care of me when I am old. And only after I die would he get married. I explained that grown ups don't have to wait for their parents to pass on before they got married. I also told him that when he gets married he would have a home of his own. He said that in that case he would come by to visit me and to give me some pocket money. I don't know what triggered this conversation but it does seem like he has included me in his future plans. This isn't an unusual conversation that young kids have with their parents but it is nevertheless heartwarming to see such thoughtfulness.

It is especially heartwarming because only two days before we had a big disagreement. Yes a forty-something can have big disagreement with his very young son. It wasn't a fight - it was him disagreeing with me quietly, and me disagreeing with him more forcefully. He brought a letter home from school informing us that he has been selected to participate in a non-academic school programme. I was pleasantly surprised because we were not aware that the school was making the selection but it made a lot of sense because he does seem to display natural talent in that particular area. Also to my surprise, he wasn't at all keen on participating in that programme. He refused to tell me the reason for his aversion and was in tears when I probed. 

In situations like these, a father has to make a decision whether to be understand and give in to his son or to give him a firm nudge to try something that would be good for his personal development and likely to be enjoyable if he gave it a chance. If I nudged, would it be because I was a Asian Tiger Dad expecting my kids to live out my expectations of them? There wasn't a Dragon Mom on my side on this matter so I was going in alone. The Tiger Dad nudged and the Pangolin curled up in self-defence. Without much success, I signed the form indicating that he would be participating in the programme and asked him to decide what he wanted to do with the form. Then I went to my room desperately hoping that he would change his mind.

I am not sure what changed his mind but he did. He told me when I asked him the next morning. Glad that he did but I still felt the need to tell him that I was disappointed with his initial response. This was me reinforcing the point that Daddy is almost always right! I not sure if he was convinced but he was as usual very gracious to his father. I gave him a hug and we went about having a good weekend.

Only time will tell whether as a father I made the right calls or took the right approach with my kids. The perfect parenting book suited for the specific parent-child pair has yet to be written so I am flying blind even though there were many mistakes to learn from the experiences with my first son. But I wholeheartedly believe that fathers have a role to play in nudging their kids out of their comfort space. Kids have amazing potential in them and fathers can't always play Mr Softee. In the meantime, it is reassuring to know that my son still plans his future with me in it.