Conversion Stories

Our church is doing a sermon series on the book of Acts, The Acts of the Apostles, to be precise. Written by Luke, who also wrote the eyewitness account of Jesus in the Gospel according to Luke, Acts talks about how the Good News of salvation spreads to "all Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth" by the miraculous power of the Holy Spirit. The early followers of Jesus, mostly Jews, were persecuted and martyred for their faith by their brethren Jews and the Romans, but their faith stood firm.

This morning's sermon was on Act 9 about the conversion of Saul, a Jewish persecutor and murderer of Christians. This was recorded for us:

"Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way, whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”. “Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked. “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.” (Acts 9: 1-6 NIV).

The encounter transformed Saul from a hater of Christ into Paul, the most prolific missionary in church history. He was eventually imprisoned and beheaded by the Romans, but not before he wrote a few more books of the New Testaments which are commonly referred to as the Prison Letters. Paul's life and his death is recorded to for all the skeptics who come after him.

Listening to today's sermon reminded me of the movie, The Case for Christ, which I watched about a week back. The movie is based on a true story of a Chicago Tribune award-winning journalist turned pastor, Lee Strobel. Lee was a born skeptic and was distraught when his wife became a Christian, so distraught that he set out to disprove the claims of Christ. Much like Paul of Tarsus, Lee wanted to settle the score with the Christians. He put his investigative skills to use and spoke to a number of experts in their fields of specialisation. On his journey to disprove the death, crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, he ended up face to face with the truth of Christ. 

In the face of truth, both men comes to the realisation of God's love. God took a chance on us - "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8). Today, we live in a world that is very hostile toward God and what God stands for. Yet when we push Him out of our lives, He remains quietly at the door of our hearts waiting expectantly for us to open it again. He gives us grace even when we choose to take a different path. He continues to pursue us even when we've made it clear to Him that He is not welcomed to our part of the neighbourhood. 

This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. 

 ~ John 3:16-17 The Message

Dream

I can't remember exactly when I had this dream, only that it was during the period when I was recuperating at home after my hospitalisation. Unlike my wife, I almost always forget my dreams when I wake up from sleep. But I remembered this one and I have been thinking about it ever since. It was a simple dream - it was cold and dark except for a tiny spark of warm orange light in the distance. Although I could not see my immediate surroundings, it felt as if I was in a forest heading slowly toward the light. It felt as if I was sitting in something that was rolling smoothly on a winding track towards this light. All this was happening without any sound and in slow motion. 

After awhile it seemed like I had stopped moving and the light was moving towards me instead. Still a distance from the light, I realised that the light was Jesus seated on a throne with His nail pierced hands resting on his knees.  Behind the throne were two winged-creatures. At that point it occurred to me that I was perhaps leaving this present life and headed towards the next life. But it wasn't fearful at all. Instead it felt like I was reaching my destination. I recall making sense of it in my dream - that after all the twist and turns in life, this is all that really matters. And then I woke up. 

I do believe God speaks through dreams and it has certainly happened to me once before many years ago. In that case, I received a confirmation of what the dream meant from an independent source right after I woke up.  Even as I write this paragraph, I just thought about a message I received out of the blue from an ex-colleague about 2 weeks back. This was some time after I had my dream, so it hadn't occurred to me that they may be related until now. It reads:

"The Lord prompted me to pray for you. Know that He is near and always there to lean on. His grace is sufficient. Amen... I was reading Philippians and God is wonderful. He reminds me that salvation wrought by self has nothing to glory about. But only his grace freely given to mankind is priceless and gives all glory to Him. Verses in chapter 4 urge us to remember to be joyful because the evil one comes to steal, kill and destroy our joy in Jesus. Let our mindfulness be evident to all. Victory belongs to the Lord. Be encouraged Brother." It is followed by the verses from Philippians 4:4-7.

Is it related? Not sure. There are some parallels. Am I going to be up against something beyond my human abilities yet again? I don't really want to. Too much of that over the last couple of years. But even so, I wish to encourage anyone out there who is dealing with something that seems difficult or unbearable  - that Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." (John 10:11). Whatever it is that you feel that you cannot handle, I hope and pray that you will receive "the peace of God that surpasses all understanding".  Whether you are dealing with an illness or with bullies; anxiety or emptiness about the future; losing someone you love or losing the love from someone; being victimised or marginalised; feeling alone or feeling overwhelmed. Cast away your fears and do not let yourself be heavy laden. Like David who removed the heavy armour that got in his way, draw on God's strength as you face your Goliath. 

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 
5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
~ Philippians 4: 4-7

Recovery

Three weeks of discomfort, then a couple of days in the hospital, followed by a full week of home rest and daily hospital visits for IV antibiotics. The big day came last Wednesday when the catheter was meant to be removed. After carrying the urine bag around for more than a week, I was ready to have it removed. But at the same time, I was concerned that I may still have issues going to the toilet once it is removed. I also read that patients may experience urinary incontinence. I actually went to the pharmacy to get "pouches for weak bladder" (there doesn't seem to be a term for the product) ahead of the doctors appointment.

So the urologist explained the procedure. Before they remove the catheter, they will infuse (made it sound like an exotic fruit tea) me with saline to test if I can go to the toilet after the catheter is removed. The infusion was cold and woke up my bladder pretty quickly. I was meant to be infused with 300ml of saline but my bladder was already feeling very full at 150ml.  As a compromise, we agreed on 250ml - well what else could I do, I was lying down flat feeling pretty vulnerable. When it was time to take the catheter out, I was assured that it would not be anywhere as uncomfortable as when it was fitted in. Honestly, it is debatable. And the special instruction was to keep the saline in. I got through that somehow, and they gave me the measuring jug to empty my bladder. All 250ml came back out, so no blockages. And I also don't have urinary incontinence.

I am still on medication for several weeks more. A day after having the catheter removed, the doctors ran some tests and confirmed that the markers for inflammation and infection have come down significantly. That meant that I could switch from the daily IV to oral antibiotics. There will still be follow ups with the doctors and a scan in a couple of months to confirm that my prostate has fully recovered. The previous MRI showed that my prostate was twice the average volume which explains all the pain and discomfort I had experienced.

After close to a month of dealing with this issue, I felt a great sense of achievement to be able to go to the toilet. Honestly, we have to thank God for all the simplest things in life. Intricately stitched by the mighty hands of God, every part of us is a miracle. We are reminded of the miracle of life when we see a newborn, but we can sometimes forget that our body is a miracle every single day. Current influences suggest that we are inadequate and we should despise our bodies. It makes us feel as if we can do better than what God has already done.  We can lose sight of what we are designed for and to give thanks for that.

While I was waiting to see the doctor on Thursday, over a cup of hot chocolate, I gave thanks to God for the miracles that make life look so simple to us.

Getting Discharged Today

After 5 days in the hospital, I get to go home today. Will finally see the sky and some greenery I hope. I am still waiting for the urologist to discharge me so timing is a bit of a variable. The tests that he ran 2 days ago did not yield any bacteria cultures so I will not know what bug I actually caught. Vicious but shy. But since the symptoms are lessening, we know that the antibiotics are working. As I have developed prostatic abscesses, I will be kept on antibiotics  for a few more weeks. 

The urologist will still keep the the catheter in so I will go home proudly carrying the urine bag. I will be resting at home for about a week before I part ways with the urine bag, that is if I no longer have issues urinating on my own. I will have to make daily visits to the hospital to receive the IV antibiotic. For this arrangement to be feasible, I will be switching to a new antibiotic, which only requires 1 dose a day rather than 3. I also need to be fitted with a long IV line in my arm. Not looking forward to that. 

In times like these, I am again reminded of how vulnerable we can be. When we are well, we can act as if nothing can stop us. We can spend too much time focusing our energy on acquiring more. We expect everything to work at the Singaporean level of efficiency. We form the view that if things in our lives are not what we expected, we can get them to perfection. In reality, life is full of ups and downs. There has been huge advancements in science and medicine, but a tiny bug can wreck havoc and turn a grown man into a groaning man. I for one know that am more vulnerable than I think of myself and I need God.  I need God's help to see the vulnerabilities in others and be an encourager. I need God's help to strike a balance in my life so that I don't find myself chasing after meaningless things. I need God's help to see that whether I am winning or losing in this life, I am always winning in God's eye. 

In today's world, there are so many angry voices against the existence of God or the belief in God. There is so much hatred towards the name of Jesus, because His church and followers have abused or been disobedient to His teaching. We place our hopes on what humankind can achieve if we can all work together, a big if.  We are losing sight of how vulnerable we really are and are too quick to write-off the existence of God. Yet God shows great compassion despite our human condition, and we see that clearer when we are vulnerable.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and   his righteousness with their children’s children-

with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

~ Psalm 103: 13 - 18 (NIV)

Instant Responses

I just finished a bowl of Beehoon Soup for breakfast. With time on my hand, I am thinking back to the last weekend when the pain got unbearable. I had done some tests on Friday and met the urologist to run through the results on Saturday. He gave me a muscle relaxant to help me urinate. It was rather troubling that on Saturday night, despite taking the muscle relaxant, my condition felt worse. I googled and it seems that this medication takes up to 4 days to be fully effective. So although I was in pain, I felt it was reasonable to give it some time. 

I didn't have much sleep that night, and there was a point in the night, I felt really sorry for myself and asked God why I had to deal with so many incredibly unpleasant medical issues. Wasn't it enough to have been hit by lymphoma 2 years back? Don't I get an immunity card after that episode? All the doctors I saw in the last couple of weeks had to ask me the standard questions to rule out STD, and despite not having done anything wrong, I have ended up in such pain. Feeling sorry for myself must have made me momentarily sleepy, as I dozed off before hearing an answer from God.

On Sunday night, my condition worsened. And each time I tried going to the toilet, I was praying that I would be able to empty my bladder. You don't find this kind of prayer in the Methodist hymnal. They were raw and demanding, seeking instant response. And I felt that something was going to go very wrong soon if this continued. I could feel and see my abdomen bulging due to my overstretched bladder. I knew for sure I would not be able to get through another night like that. That was when I contacted the urologist.

Yesterday afternoon, after having had the chance to rehydrate my body, I went for an MRI. The results confirmed that I did not have prostate cancer. I didn't think that it was cancer, but it was good to have a confirmation. However, the MRI did show that I have abscesses in my prostate. From what I read, these can be, well, dangerous. The urologist said that if it had been 1 large abscess, he would remove it. However, I have multiple smaller ones which made the risk -returns of such a procedure non-viable. I will have to rely on the antibiotics to do its job. 

Last night, I laid in bed thinking what if I had been able to pee more easily on Sunday. Would I have called the urologist? I remember thinking about all the meetings I may have to miss if I had to go to the hospital on Monday. I even looked through the calendar to see what may be a better time to go to the hospital. God didn't leave me any options but to call the urologist, and He didn't leave me any options but to get myself to the hospital soonest possible. He needed me to be started on a stronger antibiotic and to stop the vicious cycle of toxicity that the worsening condition was creating. God wanted me to use my common sense.

I sometimes look for quick fixes when none can be offered. God is the Great Physician and needs us to cooperate with Him to get the best results. 

Ate Alone Tonight

I had dinner by myself tonight. I didn't have much of an appetite but the Chicken Rice was pretty good, so I managed to finish it along with the Acar and the vegetable soup. Good choice. This wasn't my first time having a hospital meal. I had them when each of the kids were delivered. Those were definitely better times to be in a hospital. Those are the only times people would ever want to come to a hospital.

I was admitted this morning for bacterial prostatitis. It started out as Urinary Tract Infection about 3 weeks back. I went to the GP twice but the condition persisted. Eventually the GP referred me to a urologist who suspected I had prostatitis. He ordered urine and blood tests for me, and made me do the DRE - Digital Rectal Examination. It feels even more awful than it sounds. In the procedure, the doctor sticks his gloved finger up the bum and presses against the prostate to examine it and to express prostatic fluids which will be collected from the urine. Traumatic is the only way I would describe it. Several days later, I had to do a transrectal ultrasound which was like DRE Part 2. We are just not designed to have thing

After those tests, I was put on a new antibiotic specifically for prostatitis and a muscle relaxant that is meant to ease the pain when I urinate. Despite taking the new medication, my condition got worse. Over the weekend, I barely caught any sleep as I constantly felt the urge to urinate but all it produced was a lot of pain. Early this morning, I decided that I had to call the urologist. He asked for me to be admitted to the hospital. 

By the time I got to the hospital, I was worn out and in a lot of pain. I could feel a baby bump developing because my bladder was so full. The first thing the urologist did was to fix me up with a catheter which immediately drained away the urine that was jamming up my bladder. He said most people would be able to keep up to 500ml of urine. I had 700ml, and it would have been more had I not limited my water intake due to the discomfort. The catheter provided immediate relief, even though fixing it up was far more horrendous than the DRE or the transrectal ultrasound. I shall leave out the details except for the fact that the catheter and the urine bag will follow me around for a week or so. 

So far so good. When I got to my bed, they set up the IV line to pump in a stronger antibiotic. So yet another catheter, this one on my right hand. All the set ups limit my movements so I've stayed in bed the whole day drifting in and out of sleep. I have been drinking lots of water to rehydrate my body and to prepare myself for tomorrow's MRI. But it makes me feel bloated.

I have to hand it to my wife for putting up with all of hospital procedures each time she gave birth to our 3 kids. She had far more patience to handle all of it. Bless her. 

Thank God for His grace that sustained me through this past few weeks.

Francais

 So I signed up for a French class at Alliance Franciase two weeks ago. It wasn't something I had planned to do, it just happened after I got up from a weekend afternoon nap. The school is between the office and home. Resonably priced and Skillsfuture deductible. If it isn't quite what I expect, it would only be 8 weeks, once a week, to completion. It seems like a better bet for me than a gym membership. And no need to buy special attire, no need to change, and no need to break into sweat, maybe.

Yesterday I attended the first class; Adult - French for Beginners. It felt good to go back to the classroom, getting a brand new set of text and exercise books. I like the smell of new books, and it has been a while since I got myself any. The books came in a tote bag, which also contained a note book, a pen and some brochures. I like freebie welcome packs. Although it was a relatively small class, probably not more than 20 of us, it was quite diverse - locals, American, Philippino, Thai, Chinese, Malaysian, students, finance/banking, pastry chef, secretary, medical technician, engineer, pre-school teacher etc. Everyone was slightly awkward being around people they don't know, but they all seemed ready to dive in. It felt like the first day in Uni except there are no exams involved here, which is a nice.

After we took turns to introduce ourselves in francais, the teacher started the lesson by getting us to read some phrases out loud in whichever way we thought the pronounciation goes. We had to read it out loud, before he would tell us how to pronounce it correctly and what the phrases meant. And that was how the rest of the class went. We give something, before he gave something back. The approach built up our confidence to just give it a try. After about half an hour it became instinctive for us to read out everything in our broken French. With French, you can't just work it out in your head how you are going to make a particular sound, you have to train your mouth, tongue, throat and nose how to get their act together. 

I am still not particularly sure why I decided to learn French. I did feel slightly annoyed that when I was reading up or googling places of interest in France, I would face challenges pronouncing the names, much less remember them. I would be good to know where you want to go. I know that I didn't want to do anything career related. My recent change in role at work is already giving me the opportunity to learn quite a few things, and on-the-job training is my preferred mode of development. 

It seemed fun to learn for fun sake, although there were points in the class where I wondered whether it would be much fun to have to remember the male and female equivalent of each word. Perhaps my brain was looking for a challenging exercise, something which the French pronounciation certainly offers. They say that the letters at the end of a French word are often silent, but not really. It is more like you have to pronounce it half-way. Take for example the word 'non', you have to picture that there is half an 'n' at the back of the word. Or the delightfully bubbly word 'champagne', you have to picture that there is half an 'e' at the end of the word. It is a two-syllable word that can sound like a three-syllable word. 

Maybe it is just the idea that I can take my time to learn something completely new and see where it takes me.  Perhaps to a complicated sounding village in a part of France unknown to me.

Majesty

Eyjafjoll, Iceland

It has been more than a week since we arrived back in Singapore. We were in Iceland for 10 days, and another 4 days in Helsinki and Tallinn. A combination of very long daylight, an Icelandic summer that is not too hot to stay outdoors, and having so much to see, meant that I could only squeeze in 1 blogpost in the whole of the 2 weeks vacation. 

Iceland is virtually impossible to sum up, whether in words, photos or videos. I didn't leave a photo hotspot feeling like I've satisfied my urge to completely capture what I saw. I just had to nudge the family along because there were still so much to see. It helps me to appreciate what may have prompted the psalmist to sing "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10).  When we catch a glimpse of the unfathomable beauty of God's presence, we would surely say the same thing.

The country is every geologist's dream. There are signs to provide the scientific explanation or theory for every strange natural structure that we came across. No matter how strange or odd a natural structure seemed, there is an attempt to explain the what, when, and how. I won't pretend to understand many of the things I read, even those written in English. We gain an appreciate that we are just sojourners who are privileged to witness the hand of time. We will never know enough about this world because we were not there right from the beginning of time. We are part of creation, not the Creator. For me, it makes complete sense to attribute these natural wonders to a creative God rather than to claim that everything is an amazing random occurrence. If everything is random, what is the point of science?

On the second day in Iceland, I was jetlagged and woke up to a very bright morning at 4am. We were staying in Eyvindarholar, and behind our cabin were the beautiful snow-capped Eyjafjoll Mountains. Wide awake, I decided to take a walk there. When I saw the full view of the mountains, the first word that came to mind was “Majesty”. I was there all by myself surrounded by these mountains, and the only sounds I heard were from the streams running down the mountains. What a privilege. On the next day, I came back with my daughter to do a 2-hour return hike to Seljavallalaug, one of the oldest geothermal pools in Iceland, at the base of the Mountains. Great memories swimming in the pool with my adventurous girl. 

The sights in Iceland echo the Majesty of our Creator God. We cannot fully put into words what we saw and heard; all we could do was to merely stand in awe and give praise to Him. And from the encounters with the many breath-taking waterfalls, I now have a human appreciation of Revelations 14:2 “And I heard a sound from heaven like the roar of rushing waters and like a loud peal of thunder. The sound I heard was like that of harpists playing their harps.”  

Splendour and majesty are before Him, 

 Strength and beauty are in His sanctuary

~ Psalm 96:6 

Iceland

Flaajokull

We got to Iceland 4 days ago and it has been jammed pack with awesomeness. We picked up our 4WD rental from the airport and headed for the Ring Road. We covered a lot of grounds in the first 3 days - Geysir, Gullfoss, Seljalandfoss, Dyrholaey, Reynisfjara, Skogafoss, Svinafellskogull, Fjallsarlon, Diamond Beach, and Jokulsarlon. My advice to anyone planning a trip here is to give yourself enough time so that you don't have to skip any of these places. Words can't describe these places so I won't attempt to.

We were expecting Day 4 to be slower. There isn't that much to do or see in Hofn itself. We decided to go to a nearby farm which had a petting zoo. Turned out that the zoo doesn't open for another 2 days. But the owner was very kind to let us walk around the farm so the kids got to see goats, sheep, duck, chicken, and a lovely cat and golden retriever. Later we went to a guesthouse which offers horse-riding. The person who offers horse-riding wasn't around so we introduced ourselves to the horses instead. My son who was nervous about touching the horses managed to give one of them a tiny pet on the head. My daughter who is comfortable with horses changed her mind about horse-riding because the horses didn't smell so good. The petting zoo and horse- riding didn't quite go as planned but the visits didn't turn out to be epic fails. 

We decided to spend the afternoon to visit Flaajokull, the smallest glacier tongue in the Vatnajokull National Park. It was a long and bumpy ride on the gravel road leading to the carpark. From the carpark, there is a sign-posted path - meant to be an easy hike right to the face of the glacier. It was easy enough for the kids to do even though they complaint about the distance. After close to an hour of walking we got to the lake in front of the glacier. My wife stayed with the kids who wanted to play at the lake. The glacier looked like it was 20 minutes away from where we were so I continued with the hike. But after 10 minutes, the path ended abruptly, possible destroyed by a rockslide. So I went back to join my family at the lake for a snack. On our drive back, we saw a pack of reindeers.

We rounded off the day with a wonderful dinner at a cosy restaurant in Hofn called Nyhorn. Lamb chop for the kids whilst my wife and I had smoked cod. I would recommend this Scandinavian restaurant to anyone passing by Hofn. The day didn't go quite as planned, but it was way better than I had expected.

Looking forward to the rest of the holiday!

Hurray to Malaysia

Truly a historic week for Malaysia. The ex-PM at the age of 92, rallies the people to overthrow a horrendously corrupt regime. In less than 20 years, Malaysia had regressed from being a leading moderate Islamic country to a country where religion was used to divide and a veil for cronyism. Credible leaders and thinkers highly regarded by the international community were replaced with amoral puppets.  Now the man who masterminded the industrialisation of Malaysia has salvaged the country from the brink of hopelessness. Harapan is aflame. 

Had Najibism been more discreet, would it have triggered the People's Tsunami? It took many hard knocks before the country mustered enough willpower to fight this Goliath. Yet I am not clear whether this is a fight for how things used to be or how things ought to be (or is how things used to be how things ought to be?). Is it too soon to ask this question or will it be too late to do anything about it once the wheels of politics starts turning again?  Will meritocracy at least be in the front seat even if it isn't ever going to be centre stage?  It is a good start that for the first time in 60 years a non-Bumiputra  with a proven track record  has been entrusted with the role of Finance Minister. There needs to be trust that meritocracy is about getting the best people to do the right thing so that everyone prospers - everything that Najibism stood against.

The citizens of Chinese and Indian descent are very proud to call themselves Malaysians. For those of them who work in Singapore, you can sense how proud they are of their origins and citizenship. The fact that they have been treated as second class in Malaysia does not stop them from being every bit true Malaysians. They have been in Malaysia for many generations and for many more generations to come. They don't have any other place to call home. My siblings are Malaysians so I know this too well. Rather than feeling indignant, they have been faithfully praying for change in the country. 

Reformasi is a journey and some things will take time to change. But I hope that Malaysians won't allow complacency to set in. The PM is 92 and with all due respect, there isn't a 3rd return if things go dreadfully wrong again in 50 years time. There are jokes about how relieved people are that they no longer have to attend a Bersih rally. But actually the door is now just open so that the cleaning up work can start. 

Holding On

His mercies, they are new every morning 

During worship at this morning's church service, one of the songs we sang was "Hold on to me" by Planetshakers. As we sang the song, I thought about one of my cousin sisters. Several months before, she had a car accident because her vision was impaired when she was behind the wheels. Follow up with the doctors indicated that she had a brain tumour. She had an operation to remove the tumour but the cancer came back soon after. The condition eventually led to a coma. She passed away on the first day of Chinese New Year this February. I thought about her because she journeyed with Jesus though many years and held on to Him in the face of death. I thought of her because she knew who she belonged to and was confident that God was with her no matter what the outcome.

She is a cousin from my father's side of the family. She would arrange for her siblings and their families to visit us each Chinese New Year when my father was still around. That would be the one time in the year when I got to hear my father speak Hakka. She exuded kindness and thoughtfulness. After my father passed away, she continued to maintained contact with us. She became a first time grandmother last year. No doubt a very proud moment for, especially because she had to raise her two kids by herself after her husband passed away.

She was one of two faithful Christians whom I know who fought a good fight against the ravages of cancer and went home to be with the Lord in the recent months. Both whose characters demonstrated that Jesus was the Lord over their lives. Both who remembered His words recorded in the Gospel of John:

9 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~ John 10: 9 - 10 (NIV)

In their struggle, they believed that God is always good. There is one that comes to steal, kill and destroy, to undermine our trust in God. But Jesus showed us that none of this is permanent because He has overcome death. These two persons have entered the gate and knew that their lives were safe in God's hands. Even as their physical bodies failed them, even as they were losing strength, they prayed to Jesus to hold on to them, and never let them go.

I thank God for these two lives who pointed others to Jesus in their suffering and passing on. They leave a godly legacy for those that they leave behind.

Hold on to me sweet Jesus

Never let me go

Never let me go

Never let me go

(Hold on to me, Planetshakers)

Enlistment Day

My son was enlisted on Monday.  Almost a week, and I have found it much harder than I had expected. This is odd, because he is going to be back at the end of the month for a couple of days. After that, he gets to come home every weekend. It wasn't like he was studying overseas for a couple of years. This is odd, because I didn't see that much of him even before he was enlisted either. Every Singaporean family with a son goes through this, and there are also girls who sign up for National Service, so this is the norm. What is it that has made this difficult for me?

We went to Pulau Tekong with him on Monday. Coincidentally the younger kids had a day off in-lieu of the school carnival on Saturday. His aunt took the day off. His grandmother couldn't go because it would have been too much walking for her. We met her for lunch after the school carnival so that my son could say good-bye to her. When we arrived on the island, we were not quite sure when we would say our last good-bye to him. Visitors were directed to the buses to take us to their dormitory and the enlistees were directed to another building. I gave him a hug in case we didn't get a chance to later.

The island was more built up than I had imagined. It was like a university campus on an island 15 minutes away from the mainland ferry terminal. The visitors tour took us to the dormitories which looked like HDB blocks. The dorm rooms were spacious and clean. One of my friends commented on my Instagram post that these days the mattresses were so thick. They showed us exhibits and videos of what the training was going to be like and my second son said he wanted to join the army too. After the walkabout, we went to an auditorium where we were briefed on the training framework, key dates, key contacts and lots of assurances that the enlistees were in good hands. He was there, together with the rest of the enlistees, to take their Oath. We say each other but I wasn't sure if he was allowed to speak to civilians.

After the Oath taking, the enlistees stood in attention outside the auditorium waiting to bring their guests  the Food Hall (sounded like Harrods in London). So we got to sit down for a meal. It was so much like his first day in school when he was 6+. We left him with the people in charge and they quickly got on with what they needed to do. We only got to see him during his recess to get some reassurance that he was doing okay. We probably had about 20 minutes at the Food Hall when suddenly the enlistees were asked to say their good-byes. My son had to make his way through the crowd to return his food tray and come back for his things. And in the rush, my wife managed to give him a hug. We then saw him in a line with fellow enlistees before they marched off. My second son took out his little blue handkerchief to waive good-bye to him. I wonder where he got that idea.

Perhaps it was because we all didn't get a chance to say the perfect good-bye. Perhaps it is because when you've grown accustom to someone, you have a need to see them everyday, even if it is just for a minute. Perhaps I am still trying to hold on to the little baby that was my only son for 9 years. Perhaps I am coming to terms with the fact that is just how life is - you give it your best and you let go. Perhaps it is all of the above. 

In this world, we get to experience the depth of God's love through the people and the relationships He gives us. This love never leaves us.

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord ~ Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

Enlistment Notice

So the date is finally set. He was expecting maybe May or June and at the rate it was going, I thought so too. But then he got a text message from the Central Manpower Base (CMPB) informing him of enlistment in early April. We've talked about National Service quite regularly over the last two years and especially after he finished his A Levels. Yet it still felt surreal when I saw the text message he forwarded to me. He is leaving home soon.

He quit his part-time job at the convention centre on the same day so that he could spend the rest of his time doing whatever he wants and meet up with his friends. He loves nature so he has been to visit the Kranji Wetlands, Gardens by the Bay and the SEA Aquarium. His maternal uncle from Canada was back for a month, and my sister from Hong Kong also visited the week before. Great timing. 

This reminds me a little bit of when I was getting ready to leave for the UK for my undergraduate studies at 18. At the time, I knew that spending a few years away from home was going to be life-changing but I grossly under-estimated its extent. So it is good for him to take it all in - the things and people that have been part of his life up until now and give thanks to God for his generosity, abundant blessings and unfailing love. 

God has seen him through many challenging time and will be faithful to see him through whatever is ahead. I hope that the time away from what he is familiar with will give him fresh perspectives of life and mold him into the man that God calls him to be.

7 Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.
~ Psalm 63: 7-8 (NIV)

The Eldest

I am tired but unable to fall asleep. Today was a busy day - church, niece's birthday, Peter Rabbit movie, dinner, grocery shopping. I was ready to sleep after my shower, but then discovered that I have a fever. After rolling around for an hour or so, I woke up and took some paracetamol. I feel better now but am wide awake.

To be fair, my mind has been over-stimulated lately. It feels like so much has happened in the last couple of weeks. and my thoughts are still catching up. My eldest received his A Levels results about two weeks back. To me it felt like a very long trek up a mountain and finally reaching the summit - exhausted, happy and enjoying the view. I have often reminded him that if he put his heart into something, he often surprises himself with the results. I hope he remembers that in the years ahead.

A week later he went for some of the university open days and got down to making his university applications soon after. We discussed the possible courses and career options. What he eventually settled on surprised me - a good choice but completely off the radar. It feels like he's changed so much in the last couple of months and particularly in the last two weeks. I have often told him that I don't expect him to pick a specific career for his parents' sake, but I do expect him to give his best in his studies so that options are available to him. A few days back, he received the offer for the course that he chose. I am really happy and proud of him for the effort he has put in.

He is currently working as a media crew at a convention centre several days in a week. It is relatively long hours so we don't see him that much. And soon he will be enlisted. To be honest, the time the kids spend outside the home increases exponentially once they start secondary school. It's like a roller-coaster ride - it starts off slowly but when it has reached the top, everything happens in lightning speed. I miss that little boy who was our only child for many years, but we've got to learn to release him to God's care and protection. 

I am ever so thankful to God for keeping a constant watch over my son's life. God loves him far more than I can ever do. I pray that the experiences over the last couple of years will help him to stand firm in his faith in future challenges. I pray that he will place his life decisions before God and be obedient to His calling for his life.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore. ~ Psalm 121 (NIV)

Join the Dots

The Pillory, Florence

In recent months, there's been a number of occasions where I suddenly understood something that should have been obvious to me a long time back. Related things but which I never joined the dots. One example was during our recent holiday to Italy, when it dawned on me how the Arco Lamp got its name. I talked about this in my blogpost on Milan.

Another example is the sacrament of the Holy Communion. In our church, we celebrate the Holy Communion every first Sunday of the month as a remembrance of Jesus' sacrifice in payment for our sins. The first ever Holy Communion, also known as the Last Supper, is recorded for us in Matthew 26:

26 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.” 27 Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. 28 This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. 29 I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.” ~ Matthew 26: 26-29 (NIV)

This sacrament is a reminder of Jesus giving himself to us, His body and and blood, so that we may have forgiveness of sins and life everlasting. But recently, it occurred to me that it is also a reminder that I am His flesh and blood. Just as my kids are my flesh and blood, so I am Jesus' flesh and blood. And for this reason, we are called co-heirs with Christ. 

Another passage from the Gospel of Matthew, which I often struggle with, also became clearer to me recently:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~ Matthew 11: 28-30

On many occasions, I have tried giving my problems to Jesus to solve, asking Him to take what I hand over better. Fix this situation, change the circumstances, sort this mess up. 

One morning, as I was praying on my drive to work, it became clear to me that this passage talks about giving up our human perspective of how things ought to be and taking up Jesus' perspective. Our human perspective may tell us that there is this one thing that will make our lives happier, but Jesus' perspective is that our lives will better if we don't attach our happiness to anything temporal. We exchange our pillory for His yoke. We would find rest if we substitute our value system with what He values. This passage is not about asking God to change my circumstances but asking Him to change me so that I can see pass my circumstances.

Sometimes it takes a lot longer for me to join the dots.