Glen Etive

We set out for Glen Etive at 8am yesterday morning when it was bright enough to drive. Glen is the Gaelic word for valley. The stretch of A82 that connects Glencoe to Glen Etive and beyond in simply stunning.  The mountains on both sides of the valley road were lifting their praises to the Ancient One and I could feel my heart singing along. It is like the feeling I get when I enter a cathedral.

We spotted the Lagangarbh Hut and made our first stop.  The iconic white hut sits like a toy Monopoly house at the base of the imposing Buachaille Etive Mor. It is owned by the the National Trust for Scotland and maintained by the Scottish Mountaineering Club. We followed the path down to the footbridge over River Coupall, an easy 10 minutes walk. This is about as much "trekking" we will be doing in the UK. We stood there to take in the sights, sounds, the cold and the wind. 

Further down the A82, we turned right toward Glen Etive. Although there were 2 signs along the main road, I missed the turn. Fortunately my eldest son who was the navigator alerted me and we did a U-turn. The single track road runs along one side of River Etive. We made photo stops at some of the waterfalls and river pools. Although I was driving a 7-seater Hyundai, which hardly resembles an Astin Martin, it wasn't difficult to imagine that we were part of the Highlands scene in Skyfall. This is where M steps out of the car and ask James Bond "Is this where you grew up?" You would think that as the head of MI5 she would have known the answer. Or did Judy Dench forget her lines?

As we drove on, I told the kids that they should look out for deers, but I wasn't entirely sure we would. What we did see were a pair of white ponies that looked like they came straight out of My Little Pony. They had long manes that covered one side of their faces. They looked like unicorns missing their horns. We played a word game where the kids come up with words to describe what they saw. They come up with "white", "long hair", "beautiful" and "cute" for the ponies. As we drove on we were busy chatting, when suddenly Mei Mei exclaimed "deer".  I didn't really hear what she said but it created such noisy excitement in the car. I stopped the car and there it was a deer. My wife described it as "majestic". 

The drive ends at Loch Etive, somewhat abruptly. Although the lake, flanked by mountain, was a dramatic view, it leaves you with the feeling that you want more. However, the trek from the parking area would not have met our 20-minutes loop requirement.

Getting There

I can't remember ever being so exhausted. Full day of work on Friday, got home to get ready for the  flight to London, the 14 hours on the plane with poor sleep, 3 hours of transit time in Heathrow, 1.5 hours flight to Invesness, 3 hours drive to Glencoe and then finally getting the family settled in the holiday cottage. This is the first time I haven't suffered from jetlag after a flight into the UK. I woke up every 2-3 hours but managed to fall back to sleep almost immediately. 

We had difficulty finding the Airbnb cottage when we got to Glencoe. A combination of not having an offline copy of the instructions from the host, poor signals on the phone that was about to run out of battery, the GPS that was only able to bring us to the town centre. My poor logistics basically. I was getting worried because it was 4pm and nightfall was 1/2 an hour away. Some of you know this - I have this childhood phobia of not getting home before night fall. I resorted to calling the host, something which I should have done earlier. 

At 5pm it was all dark outside the cottage. You could hear the river at the back but it was pitch black. Not all phobias are irrational. Dinner was already soughted out. We had to get some groceries at Morrisons when we were passing through Fort Williams. The kids were hungry because it was way pass their Singapore dinner time. My wife rejoiced when she say McDonald's, so we did the Drive Thru. Our first family meal in Scotland was Scottish, namesake at least. 

I hadn't really planned out the itinerary for our stay in Glencoe. Well, aside from planning the 4 towns or city we were going to be based during the course of our stay in the UK, I have left everything flexible. There are frequent questions from my wife and kids about where we are going the next day or how long the trip will take. My response is always honest - I don't know and it will probably take 2-3 hours, as is the case when you don't know where you are going. When I got up early this morning, I looked at the phamplets available in the cottage and decided that we should head out to Glen Etive. It should take 2-3 hours is my guess.

Praise the Lord we got here!

Let ev'rything that, ev'rything that

Ev'rything that has breath praise the Lord

Let ev'rything that, ev'rything that

Ev'rything that has breath praise the Lord

Praise You in the morning, praise You in the evening

Praise You when I'm young and when I'm old

Praise You when I'm laughing, praise You with I'm grieving

Praise You ev'ry season of the soul

If we could see how much You're worth

Your power, Your might, Your endless love

Then surely we would never cease to praise

Praise You in the heavens, joining with the angels

Praising You forever and a day

Praise You on the earth now, joining with creation

Calling all the nations to Your praise

~ Everything that has Breath, Matt Redman

UK Vacation

We are off on our long awaited UK holiday. 8 hours on the flight have passed and 6 more to go. I am seated in the center seat with the 2 younger kids on each side. It took us some time to figure out the most comfortable sleeping position - both pairs of feet on my lap whilst their heads rest on the armrests cushioned by pillows. I sleep with my arms and head over the tray table. The comfort of flying economy.

We decided to fly British Airways because it would be easier to organise the connecting flights to Inverness - yes we are going to the Scottish Highlands in the middle of winter. It has been awhile since I’ve flown BA. My first time was when I left for the UK for undergraduate studies. And now we are flying as a family of 5. Made me think about the time elapsed. At first the kids were sceptical, “What? We are not flying Singapore Airlines?” Their minds were put at rest when they saw the personal entertainment unit on the A380. There is a sense of familiarity on the flight - ‘highlife”, the inflight magazine has the smell of British magazines that come with the weekend newspapers. 

We were on holiday in the UK 6.5 years ago. At that time we only had 2 kids and that was meant to be our last long holiday for the next 2-3 years as we were planning to have Baby 3. We were talking about that trip a few days back and the idea that Mei Mei hadn’t yet existed was confusing for her. She said she was in mommy’s body, which I guess is partially correct. To some extent, this holiday closes the gap in the kids' shared experiences. In less than 2 years, my eldest son would be starting his National Service. Beyond that, I am not sure if he will still be interested to travel with the rest of the family. Long holidays as a family may be rare.

Tracing a little further back, my wife and I met in the UK when we were studying in the University of Warwick. We were talking about university life with the kids yesterday night. She told the kids how miserable she felt when it dawn on her that Coventry was not quite like London. After that the kids were quite set on studying in a local university. I told the kids how her 2nd year off-campus accommodation was full of boxes, like someone either just moved in or someone was looking to move out soon. The kids saw the humour in that. Time flies; we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary recently. You could say that the 3 kids were in mommy all those years back in university.

The UK holds many fond memories for us, and I am looking forward to more on this trip with the entire family.

Public Spaces?

Taking my two younger kids out for breakfast a week ago changed my notion of public spaces. We went to McDonald’s at the Metropolis, situated in North Buona Vista. With the MRT station right at its doorstep, it is accessible. There are a number of eateries and cafes. It is clean and has wonderful sculptures including Ju Ming’s Pushing Hands and Fernando Botero’s Horse. I can understand why this Grade A office complex was awarded the BCA Green Mark Platinum. 

I took the kids to look around the open spaces after their breakfast. I snapped photos of some of the sculptures and the kids voluntarily mimicked the subjects. Art appreciation 101. I thought about how fortunate we were to have shared spaces where the general public could have access to wonderful pieces of art. But I thought too soon. After 10 minutes, I was approached by a security officer who told me that photos were not permitted at the complex. I was quite surprised and thought that it may have been because I took photos of a sculpture in one of the buildings. Perhaps I should not have gone into that building.  It may have also been because I got my daughter to stand on the plinth of the Horse. So I asked the friendly security officer whether photos of the outdoor sculptures were also disallowed. He confirmed that that photos were not allowed in that whole complex including the outdoor areas. But he kindly informed me that I could take photos of the large Christmas tree that was recently put up.

Who would have thought! I may have missed it, but I didn’t see signs on the property that disallowed photography. I wonder how this works. This wonderful complex that houses some of the largest multinationals such as Proctor & Gamble and Shell, and local listed companies like SGX and NOL, does seem to have pretty rigid house-rules. If guests or visitors to these companies decide to take a photo with these wonderful sculptures for keepsake will they too be directed to the giant Christmas tree? What happens during the rest of the year. Will there be a giant peach put up for Chinese New Year?

You can roam around, you can see and you can touch (I think), but no photographs please.

Allegria

Yesterday we attended my second son's first primary school choir performance. I have really been looking forward to it the whole month. But this almost didn't happen. You may recall back last year, in Father and Son I talked about how he refused to participate in a programme the school selected him for. This was it - the choir.  

So it was apt that they started the evening with "It is Good to Give Thanks to the Lord". As I sat there with my family, I really do have a lot to thank God for. Thankful that he was enjoying himself on stage, thankful that his elder brother prioritised the concert over a class gathering, and thankful that I made it through the last couple of months. The choir followed on with "Take These Wings". I cant pronounce Steve Kupferschmid and have never heard of Don Besig, but what a uplifting song about the wonderful gift of life, whether you are at the beginning of it or at the end.

Songs from diverse genre followed including "Sing" by the Carpenters, Rodgers and Hammerstein's "My Favourite Things", Panis Angelicus which means Bread of Angels in Latin, and "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars. Somewhere in the middle, a little girl, I think from Primary 2, called Faith gave a solo performance of "Blessing" by Laura Story". Through the song, the girl reminded the audience that maybe the "trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise". The gift of child-like innocent faith in truly a blessing.

It was such an enjoyable evening. I am amazed how kids so young can put on such a great show. And there is something about watching your kid from afar giving his best and loving the moment, especially when he is in his smart white shirt and bow tie. Maybe it is seeing him take the wings and learning to fly.

I found a sparrow lying on the ground
Her life, I knew, would soon be at an end
I knelt before her as she made a sound
And listened as she said, 'My friend...

Chorus:
Take these wings and learn to fly
To the highest mountain in the sky
Take these eyes and learn to see
All the things so dear to me.

Take this song and learn to sing
Fill your hearts with all the joy of spring
Take this heart and set it free
Let it fly beyond the sea.'

I found another sparrow on the sand
A tiny bird whose life had just begun
I picked him up and held him in my hand
I smiled at him and said, 'My son...

~ Take These Wings, Steve Kupferschmid & Don Besig

Monopoly Deal

My second son introduced us to Monopoly Deal today. For the uninitiated, this is the card version of the popular board game. My son played it with his school friends earlier this week and asked me to get it for him when we were at Toys R Us today. The box says "Play in 15 minutes". I thought about the time I could potentially save compared to playing the board game, not to mention the effort required to set up the board and to pack it up when we are done playing. No-brainer, I agreed to buy it.

Turns out that it is quite different from the board game and far more vicious. Based on cards that you pick from the draw pile, the first player that acquires 3 full set of properties wins the game. However, there are various Action Cards - the Sly Deal card allows you to steal a property from someone else, the Force Deal card allows you to swap properties with another player and the Deal Breaker allows you to take a full set of property from any player! If you possess a Just Say No card, which my daughter refers to as Say Just No, you can cancel the effect of the Action Cards. Wouldn't it be handy to have some Say Just No cards in life. 

Then there are these cards that allow you to extort money from other players. The Happy Birthday card requires each player to give you a $2M gift; the cost of having expensive friends. The Rent cards which require either one or all players to pay you exorbitant rent, based on a property bubble presumably. These have to be used with care to avoid unnecessary tears during the game. So if I have to use them, I would get my son to pay up the rent. However, there was one game where I asked my son twice in a row, and he asked me to direct the Rent card to my daughter instead. The 5 year old was okay to foot out the $3M rent. Right after that was my son's turn, and he served up a Debt Collector card to my daughter which meant that she had to dish out another $5M. The financial distress was too much for her to handle and she burst out in tears. Without my prompting, my son held her arm and told her that she did not have to pay him. My son wouldn't make a very good debt collector; he could have considered offering a loan restructuring instead. The sweet gesture pacified her and the game could continue.

I forgot that with card games, they usually make me play at least 3 rounds with them. 15 minutes x 3 would have been 15 minutes longer than the 30-minute rule than I impose on the board game version of Monopoly. I clearly got outsmarted.

The ups and downs of games time with the kids.

Hope

To celebrate the completion of the chemo treatment, I asked a friend whether she would paint something for me. I wanted something to remind me of the hope that we have in Jesus in life's circumstances. I gave her Bible passages from Genesis 2-3, Isaiah 53 and John 19-20 as a synopsis of the Good News and asked her to paint Jesus crucified. Today I took delivery of the lovely painting and hung it up. As we approach the season of Advent, this is also a reminder of the reason for the season. 

I hadn't noticed earlier, but I just realised that now, side by side, are 2 paintings that depict the start and end of Jesus' earthly life. The other painting is a Chinese water colour of the Magi travelling from the east to witness the new born Messiah. My second son who was inspecting the painting was also pleasantly surprised when he noticed this. He said one painting was of Jesus "borning" and the other about his death. Not expecting his younger sister to be able to figure out what the new painting was about, he was amused when she said "Jesus dying to save the whole world". The simplicity of Christmas story. 

This morning, at church, the visiting pastor told us a little bit about his past. He told us he was a school drop out, and later became a drug-addict which eventually landed him in jail. It was during the time in jail that he personally accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour, even though he was born into a Catholic family. His life was so transformed that he became a witness for God. God's arms were pinned open onto the cross to offer grace to anyone and everyone who seeks it. The tranformational power of the cross.

The cross has been a constant reminder to me over the last couple of months that we have a God who understands our circumstances. He faced accusations, suffering, betrayal and humiliation, and ultimately death, but he faced it all humbly.  And in His death and resurrection, He revealed to us that there is eternal life. The eternal hope we have in Christ.


Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

~ Once Again, Matt Redman

In Control

It is taking me slightly longer to get back into routine in this last cycle of chemo. A bit of insomnia at the beginning followed by binge sleeping over the next couple of days. In between, is the lethargy. I resorted to Netflix to provide my brain with the much needed stimulation. I paced myself, 2 to 3 episodes of The Crown over the last few days. I am not entirely sure how much of the script is factual but there was enough history weaved into the story for me to feel I was watching something important. And if you forget everything else, you will still be left with an overwhelming sense of duty over self. Claire Foy was masterful in her portrayal of the young Queen trying to find her footing as the sovereign in the fast changing post-war Britain society. She sought the find the balance between being herself and being the Queen.

I particularly enjoyed John Lithgow's rendition of Churchill. One of the series' sub-plots was how Churchill dealt with his waning popularity even though the Conservative Party had regained power in the 1951 General Elections. The man who had led Britain to victory against Nazi Hitler was portrayed as a man who had lost his spark and lacked the focus to deal with the domestic economic issues facing Britain. 

In one episode, Lithgow's Churchill came face to face with his own mortality as he confronted Graham Sutherland, who had painted a full-length portrait of him. It was commission by the two Houses to commemorate Churchill's 80th birthday. Churchill hated the portrait and later summoned Sutherland to his home in Chartwell for a dress down. He poured out his contempt onto the artist for portraying him as "a broken, sagging, pitiful creature" and that it was "cruel". To which Sutherland responded "Age is cruel! If you see decay, it's because there's decay. If you see frailty, it's because there's frailty. I can't be blamed for what is. And I refuse to hide and disguise what I see. If you're engaged in a fight with something, then it's not with me. It is with your own blindness."

Yesterday morning, I nudged myself to go for a morning walk after dropping my daughter off at the kindergarten. I decided to visit St George's Church in Tanglin. We often drive by this wonderful Anglican church on the way to Dempsey Hill and I've always wanted to visit. I was the only one there at that time of the morning. I sat down to say a quiet prayer and thank God for getting me through the last few months. I read from Isaiah 45 and was reminded that everything is in God's sovereign hands even when it is incomprehensible to the human mind. And as if to answer the question of how I should view each day going forward, I saw the words taken from John 16:33 on the stained glass window "Be of Good Cheer, I Have Overcome the World".

My apologies if this blogpost is all over the place - Netflix, The Crown, Lithgow's Churchill and my visit to a church. It may well be a form of madness to see patterns where they don't exist! How I would sum it up is this - we spend a lot of energy and effort to make our lives work. Whether it is a call of duty or whether mixed in there somewhere is our difficulty in letting go. Sometimes it is just a matter of survival, fighting an illness or waning popularity or both. Or pushing back the thoughts of ageing and the frailty that comes with it. After so much of your life has been expended, and you don't feel like there is much more you can afford to give, what happens? Can you afford to let go and will it turn cruel?

I think we need to see life for what it is, and God for who He is, and rest upon the assurance of the work He has already done on the cross for us.


When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most, 
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

~ When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, Isaac Watts

His Presence

The very last session of chemo this morning. It is odd. I have been so looking forward to finish the treatment and it got a bit frustrating on the occasions when it was delayed. Yet this past week, and especially this two days at the clinic, I feel circumspect. Not entirely sure if it is the right word. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that this is finally going to be over and I shall go out for a meal with my family to celebrate. I definitely did not form a psychotic attachment to chemo. As you probably know by now I get sentimental about a lot of things but not about this treatment for sure.

It is also not so much about what's next either. I do have to sit down and think about what further adjustments to make to my life. I don't have the chemo to kill the bad cells going forward and I also don't have to worry about not eating well enough to keep the blood count up. So I should be cutting back on the calories. I don't have to spoil myself as much after this treatment is over, so a stricter diet and going back on an exercise routine is going to be important. I will keep up with the family holidays for sure because that can only be a good thing!

I sat down at the dining area for a short meditation before I left for the clinic this morning. I closed my eyes, cleared my thoughts and took deep cleansing breaths. I did that for a few minutes. And then the song that we sang in the church service last Sunday came to mind - "You are Awesome in This Place". I am not great with lyrics so I just hummed the tune. After that, I left for the clinic. 

When I arrived at the clinic, and as the nurse was preparing to insert the intravenous needle, I felt I really needed to distract myself from the pain. I have really become a baby when it comes to needles these days. I searched for the song that I was humming at home on youtube and played it. It seemed to have worked, the needle prick wasn't half as painful today. I then checked my phone to see where the GBP exchange rate was this morning after the British High Court concluded that PM May could not trigger the formal Brexit process without Parliament's backing. The rate was so much higher! Then I saw the whatsapp message that my sister sent through. It was a poster with this quote:

"When you enter His presence with praise, He enters your circumstances with power"

An awesome revelation to my circumspection. I needed to take in the moment to remind myself that when we face adversity, we also enter into His presence in a very powerful way. When the possibility of death grips the mind, your Heavenly Father enfolds you.  

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18

He speaks with clarity and in power when we don't know what to think about the road ahead. He strengthens you and makes you better even when you think that you are at your lowest point and these is no upside. And indeed there is very little upside to getting cancer. He reminds you of the eternal perspective. 

It is a privilege to enter His presence, to pass the gates of praise into His sanctuary. All by the grace offered by Christ Jesus who died for our sins.


As I come into Your presence

Pass the gates of praise
Into Your sanctuary
Til we're standing face to face
I look upon Your countenance
I see the fullness of your grace
I can only bow down and say... 

You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
You are awesome in this place, Abba Father
You are worthy of all praise
To You our lives we raise
You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
~ You are Awesome in this Place, Hillsong United

Side-effects

I am in the clinic for the last cycle of chemo. As usual, I had to clear the blood test first. The phlebotomist was a familiar face from a couple of weeks back, a friendly Indian lady by the name of Mala. The last time she took my blood she wished me Happy Birthday in advance (this line could work very well in a vampire movie). This time round she asked me how I celebrated my birthday.

The last time round I mentioned to her that it may be my imagination that procedures involving needles were getting more painful. She told me that it wasn't my imagination. I googled and it could be  what is known as superficial thrombophlebitis. Today as she was taking my blood, the blood stopped flowing after she collected 1 vail of blood. She resorted to the other hand for the remaining 3 vails. I googled this too and it could be hypercoagulation due to the chemo.

After 2 hours of waiting, I got the blood count results and I was cleared for the chemo. I have just started and I now typing with my right middle finger taped firmly to my index finger, of the same hand in case you were wondering. Slightly drowsy from the medication. I whatsapp the group who has been supporting me in prayer and they have been coming back to me with well wishes and praising God for His goodness. One of them told me that yesterday she dreamt of me smiling. As I come to the end of the treatment, I am so thankful for each one of them for keeping me in prayers. Feeling a bit emotional because so many people have been fussing over me and pointing me towards God's promises in the last few months. Maybe the emotions  is a side-effect of the chemo too.

What are the longer term-side effect? Able to sense more clearly what is feels like when death comes knocking on my door. Able to understand a lot better why pride, arrogance, human accolades are so pointless and deceiving. Able to draw on experience that God and His people will be in the midst of the storm that I am in. A distrust that this is all there is to life. A stronger believe that there is a heaven and we are all closer to it than we think.

At all times I will bless Him His praise will be in my mouth My soul makes its boast in the Lord The humble man will hear of Him The afflicted will be glad And join with me to magnify the Lord Let us exalt His name together, forever I sought the Lord, He heard me And delivered me from my fears. Let us exalt His name together, forever 0 sing His praises magnify the Lord The angel of the Lord encamps Round those who fear His name To save them and deliver them from harm Though lions roar with hunger We lack for no good thing No wonder then we praise Him with our song Come children now and hear Him If you would see long life Just keep your mouth from wickedness and lies Do good and turn from evil Seek peace instead of strife Love righteousness and God will hear your cry

The Journey

We attended my daughter's kindergarten year-end concert yesterday morning. It's been 2 years since we've been to one of these back when my second son was at the same school.  We were clearly excited to watch her performance, but I had forgotten how good these productions were. 

The concert started with the graduation ceremony for the K2 kids. Although my daughter isn't in this year's graduating class, it was still quite emotional to watch these very young bubbly kids complete this chapter of their lives and to move on to the much more arduous Singapore education system. The thought brought tears to my wife's eyes. It's a true joy to watch the kids scurry across the stage as their names are called to receive their graduation scroll. It's emotional to watch them take their bow to a carefree childhood where learning was mostly through play. No turning back.

The concert this year was entitled The Journey. In the year 3000, four children from Planet Alpha takes up a mission to rescue Planet Omega from monster worms and unlivable conditions. These children were given a red box, much like the one that the late Mr. Lee Kuan Yew had, we were told. They were given instructions to open the red box to look for answers when they find themselves in tricky situations. Their journey through time and space and their ups and downs were told through the dances performed by the various classes who had practised their moves since the beginning of term 4. They danced to the turns of Mission Impossible,  Don't Worry, Lean on Me, You Raise Me Up and many more. The story ended with the kids from Planet Alpha finding those whom they were supposed to rescue. We will have to wait until next year for the sequel, The Promise, to see how the journey ends. 

As I watched, I am reminded of how fortunate I have been to have been able to journey with my kids. I wonder where they get all their energy, humour and ideas, and where all these will lead them. They are so full of potential, I pray that they will choose to use it for the greater good. Through the many life experiences, I know that that it is unrealistic to expect only easy days for them so my prayer is that they will remember to open the red box that God has placed in their hearts. I pray that in good times they will give God praise and in adversity they will take courage in His everlasting presence. There comes a time when parents have to bid their kids goodbye and let them sail on in their journey of life. Until that time, I am learning to trust in God with what I cannot see. 

The concert ended with all the kindergarten children and teachers singing The Journey for the finale.

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been.

~ The Journey, Lea Salonga

October

I am an October baby. More than a month back a group of friends had already made arrangements to take me out for dinner. We met up on Wednesday. My brother and his wife were in town last week to see how I was getting on and they took my family out for a lovely dinner at the Botanic Gardens. My second sister will be traveling down from Hong Kong. My eldest sister sent me a lovely handmade card to wish me well. My wife has made lunch reservations to try out an Italian restaurant recommended by a friend. I am slightly embarrassed by all the fuss over my turning one year older.

I was supposed to be starting the final cycle of chemo on my birthday. I was too much of a guy to ask the oncologist to defer it. Seemed like a fuss, so I didn't. Having chemo for my birthday would have been a poignant reminder that we are all passing through the passage of time between birth and a better place, sometimes stumbling through.  Fortunately, the chemo was pushed back to November due to delays in starting Cycle 5. I did eventually tell the oncologist about it and he said that it wouldn't have been right to make me visit the doctors on my birthday. 

Taking a quiet moment this morning, I am reminded that God has been fussing over me all these years. He's brought really good people into my life. I've been through majestic ups and epic fails, but always supported. There were a number of years I stopped believing that God exists, didn't call Him; but He called anyway, left messages for me, He wanted to chat and asked me to call if I got the chance. When He blessed me with 3 wonderful children, I got the chance to see life from His perspective.

This past 12 month of tremendous changes brought new perspectives too. Organisational restructuring and opting for redundancy, joining a new firm, leading a team through some interesting times, the encounter with the big C. I've learnt not to worry too much. I've learned to let go of pointless self-inflicted frustrations and receive His shalom. My second son's birthday note to me this morning was apt "enjoy your li(f)e! May the[redundant] God Bless you on this day". The birthday cake which my wife ordered to surprise me was apt too - a beach holiday in the Maldives. I have been in good hands these many years, that's not changing. 


As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart and glorify Your Name

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord, give us strength to live for You and glorify Your Name

~ Your Name, Paul Baloche

Children's Day 2016

Today is Children's Day in Singapore. Celebrated on the first Friday of October, kids up to the primary school level get the day off. I have 2 of those and they have been looking forward to "something special".  I am on medical leave to recover from the first few days of the chemo cycle, for one, the insomnia that has been keeping me awake since 1am. I am hoping that I will be able to keep awake later in the day to make it meaningful for them. Their obvious request was to go to McDonald's for breakfast, to which my wife protested. I am left in the "Daddy knows best" situation, so we will figure something out.

Two days ago, my second son sneaked a small Lego box from the playroom to his bedroom. He then sneaked it back to the playroom only to be found out by his sister. And so the sister insisted on seeing what was inside and asked why she doesn't have one. It was a SG50 commemorative Lego gift set which all primary and secondary school kids received a bit more than a year ago. So I tried to pacify Mei Mei by telling her that we have 2 sets at home and I will get her set for her. My son reminded me that the other set belonged to Koh Koh and that the kindergarten kids did not receive the gift set. I wasn't entirely sure why my son didn't want to open the box and share the toy with his bestie so I asked him to keep it away at least until he finished his homework. Peace resumed.

Later in the evening, I found him in the playroom wrapping the Lego set with exercise book paper. He was quietly cutting pieces of cellophane tape to stick it all together. He explained that it was a surprise Children's Day present for Mei Mei. Which perfectly explains what happened earlier in the day. It is kind of a surprise but it isn't, but certainly a nice gesture. When he was done, he looked for a corner to hide it before his sister woke up from her afternoon nap. His strategy was to keep it at the toy corner which has developed in the living room, in hope that his sister would not spot the obvious from the obvious. This didn't work out quite like he expected. Well to be fair, it worked a little bit because Mei Mei only spotted it the next day. And she read the note that said that it was a gift for her. I told her that it was meant to be a surprise gift so she should put it back where she found it and wait for it to be presented to her on Thursday.

Thursday came along. Both of them were happy with their Children's Day celebrations at their respective schools. They both came home with their bags of goodies. My second son said that it was the best day of his life, which is what he says whenever he has had a good day. He told his sister that unlike his friends, he didn't eat the snack that he got from school because he wanted to share it with her. It reminds me of how my siblings would do the same for me when I was the only pre-school child at home. After he put the snacks in the refrigerator, he went on to present the surprise gift to his sister. I took a photo of her happily opening her gift and then left them to it. 

Later in the day, my wife told me that Mei Mei complained to his brother that the box contained an assortment of toys that belonged to her. It turned out that the content wasn't the Lego set. Mei Mei showed me the content in the evening and her brother was there to explain that it was not all her toys, some were from his own collection. I was holding back from laughing but told both of them that it was a very nice gesture. They then took turns to ask me what gift I was getting them for Children's Day.

Wonderful to witness such children humour this Children's Day.


Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him ~ Psalm 127: 3

Cycle 5

Back in May, I blogged about my apprehension with chemo - what it  may be like and what I was doing to prepare myself for it. But after starting the treatment, the slight apprehension I have is whether the next cycle will be delayed and if so by how long. And then after awhile even the delays become a norm. The current cycle, the fifth one, has been delayed twice. 

Three weeks back, at the mid-point of cycle 4, my white blood count (wbc) was at its highest ever at 20+ ths/uL ie 20 thousand white blood cells per microlitres of blood. I checked it out, 1 microlitres is 1/1,000,000,000th of 1 cubic meter. It is mind boggling how many white blood cells (lymphocytes), we have and how tiny they are.  Our lives can't function without these micro-warrior, yet as in my case, if any of them turn to the dark side they can wreck havoc. The chemo destroys both lymphocytes and renegade white blood cells (lymphoma), yet I need enough of lymphocytes to continue with the chemo. A delicate balance.

The normal wbc ranges between 4 - 11 ths/uL, so my immunity at that point in time went through the roof. This was right after I took a set of booster jabs which is part of the regime. Two weeks later, it was down to 2.85 ths/uL. Where did 17 ths/uL suddenly disappear to is anybody's guess. Chemo is split into several cycles to allow our body the time to recover; the body's immunity is supposed to be at its lowest in the middle of the cycle and recover in the second half of the cycle. It was slow to recover in my case.

From past experience, it would nudge up slightly after about 4 days to a level that is closer to 4 ths/uL.  But this time round, despite waiting for another week, my wbc slipped further south to 2.75 ths/uL when I did the test on Monday. Was it a case of the chemo being too effective? So cycle 5 got delayed a second time. The doctor gave me booster jabs for 3 days and the hope was that by Thursday morning my wbc would be back up.  Due to some change of plans I came back to the clinic a day earlier than scheduled. The wbc this morning was back up to 9+ ths/uL. So finally I was cleared to start on cycle 5. I have been here for about 3 hours and another hour to go before the chemo session is completed for today.

I try to manage whatever resources I have, including time, the best I can but situations like this make me acutely aware that I don't have mastery over time or timing. There is a passage from James 4:

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 

Truly, we submit everything to a big awesome God who has mastery over time and smallest of His creations, including lymphocytes. I don't have enough understand of either but fortunately my knowledge and understanding are never pre-requisites for things to work out in life.

5 cycles almost done, and 1 to go, by God's will.


1 Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

~ Psalms 127 : 1 - 2

The Facemask

Yesterday's Facebook throwback photo caught me by surprise. It was a photo of my son wearing a facemask during the worst of the haze problem last year. For a moment I thought it was a picture of me. Although I have done very well in not letting the facemask bother me, there were a few occasions when I felt a bit indignant.

I have this urge to reassure people around me that I don't have a bug and they don't have to feel uncomfortable. When I meet someone for the first time, I am never quite sure if I should extend my handshake because it may put the other person in an awkward position having to shake my hand if they thought I have a bug. I keep reminding myself that I am over-thinking.

Curious kids tend to think I look cool and special with the mask on so I wink at them. The lady from the laundry service who collects my working shirts from the office every Wednesday wonders why I am always wearing a mask. Recently she asked me about it but I don't think she understood my response because she was busy writing out the collection slip and I was brief with my explanation. I did a better job explaining it to the office cleaner even though I spoke in broken Chinese. She wasn't convinced at first and thought I was pulling her leg. When she accepted that I wasn't kidding, she asked me to eat more broccoli. 

I am okay most of the time but seeing that photo of my son was like being a third person looking at myself. For a moment I felt self-pity and I asked myself "Oh my, how did this happen to you?" Maybe it is the same question I would ask if were to look at myself in the mirror in my old age. The sense that this wasn't supposed to happen. Today, as I reflected on this again, I realised that God too sees a likeness of himself wearing a mask when He looks at me. I am reminded that we are all created in His image. I am reminded that that is the reason He had to redeem us by His blood - we were His children from the beginning. I am reminded that my Father watches over me.


I lift up my eyes to the mountains -
  where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord , 
  the Maker of heaven and earth. 

He will not let your foot slip -
  he who watches over you will not slumber; 
indeed, he who watches over Israel 
  will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord watches over you - 
  the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 
the sun will not harm you by day, 
  nor the moon by night. 

The Lord will keep you from all harm- 
  he will watch over your life; 
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
  both now and forevermore.

~ Psalm 121