A Year On

So it has been exactly a year since I found out that I had lymphoma. A year of many firsts - PET/CT scans, bone marrow biopsy, chemotherapy, booster jabs, face masks, nausea, insomnia, rashes, low white blood count, TCM, lots of delays. There were many worried people, tremendous support and good advice. I managed to slot in holidays with my family to Bali, Maldives, the UK, and to KL for Chinese New Year - life is too short to be stuck at home with nowhere to go. It is important to create lasting memories more than ever before. I am thankful for getting through the year still intact. 

Taking one step at a time has been helpful. I have mentioned this before, the doctors are very good at giving you enough information to take the next positive step rather than downloading everything to scare you away. They nudge you to give yourself the best chance despite the many unknowns. I am in the habit of wanting to know how my future would unfold, and uncomfortable with the idea that life does not take a upward trajectory at all times. I am used to dictating how life ought to be - that it should all be good, and if it is bad, it is bad on my own terms. But in reality, you don't get to know the future unless you take the next step. And when you do, you have enough information to take yet another step. 

Facing cancer can be isolating if you allow yourself to feel that way. You need to quickly get over the feeling that you are inferior, unlucky or that God had brought you this far to abandon you. You need to keep calm so that you won't lose sight of the wonderful people around you. And you have to be certain that with Jesus, death has lost its sting. Take each step as it comes, and the weeks will pass, and the months will also pass. It can feel extremely slow at times, so you need family and friends. Eventually, even the year will pass. 

Dentist

He was confident that it would sort itself out. I saw that it bothered him but he would tell me it was fine. In recent months, he told me that the school dental nurse would remove it for him. The last few weeks though he decided that we should go to the private dentist. I was glad he finally made that decision. Now I had to find a slot where both he and I would be available to make the visit. 

Today's schedule was disrupted by the heavy rain in the morning. Swimming lessons had to be cancelled and he went through his science revision for Monday's exams instead. I was quite surprised how much he could remember on the diversity of living things. Where he could not remember, his younger sister would give him a hint. Fish had scales on their bodies for instance. We went out for a late lunch after my eldest son finished his chemistry tuition. It was meant to be a quick lunch as the swimming lesson was rescheduled to 3.15pm. 

After lunch, we passed by the dentist and my son reminded me to make an appointment for him next week. I suggested we see the dentist right then since we were already there.  He agreed but felt nervous. He has been to the dentist before, all the kids have. While waiting for his turn, my son asked me whether it would hurt. He asked me whether his elder brother, mother and I have extracted our tooth before. I told him that it would only hurt a little and we have all been through it.

He had overlapping teeth. One of his milk teeth refused to fall off to make way for the permanent tooth. It wasn't painful but he would often try to remove food that got stuck in between. I told the dentist about his condition and she examine the tooth. I thought it was his canine but the dentist confirmed that it was one of his incisors which should have fallen off a year back. He put on his shades and headphones and focused on the TV on the ceiling. I  was sat next to him and held his hand as the dentist injected the local anesthetic. The discomfort caused him to move a little but he remembered what the dentist told him - that if he didn't move, she could do it slowly and that would be less painful. 

Within minutes it was over. He declared to me that he wasn't afraid but could not find a word to describe what he felt. He keeps calm when facing challenges.

Laryngitis

Last Saturday's visit to a second GP confirmed I had laryngitis - infection of the voice box. I thought I felt better by Monday and went to work. But I came home with a running nose instead, and the sore throat persisted. I had difficulty swallowing my food and saliva. I lost my sense of smell, taste and appetite. I was dependant on panadol, anti-inflammatory medication and Strepsil lozenges to work, speak and sleep. A friend who had chemo last year told me she took 3 months to fully recover from a cold, so I felt I had to be patient. 

Yesterday morning, after 2+ weeks, I still woke up with the pain in my throat. I was concerned that it was something far more serious and decided to go back to the GP. She said viral flu can last a little longer! On my way home, I asked myself "where am I with God?" Feeling a bit sorry for myself, I said "Where can I go from your presence God? Good or bad, I cannot run from your presence but I do feel like I have been running on the spot for the past 2 weeks. 

I slept the rest of the day away because the doctor prescribed me with Actifed for the cough. At about 11.30pm, I woke up after too much sleeping during the day - insomnia.  I decided to do what I did last week, youtube. I don't know why I didn't see it then, maybe because my search on Sarah Reeeves was too specific. In yesterday's search, I saw that she had just released her first single "Nowhere" in early April. The chorus of the song goes: "There's nowhere that I can go, There's nowhere that I can hide, When I feel like I'm alone, Your love and my heart collide."

When I was ready to go back to sleep, I brushed my teeth and for some reason I decided to use the enzymatic moisturising mouth wash that the oncologist prescribe to prevent mouth ulcers from developing during chemo. I tried it 2 weeks ago, but it didn't make a difference then. But I tried it again yesterday night, and I felt the soreness leaving and I was able to sleep.

Even though I didn't need it when I was undergoing chemo, I needed it now to moisturise my recovery from laryngitis. Lesson learnt.

Psalm 139: 1 - 8
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.