Allegria

Yesterday we attended my second son's first primary school choir performance. I have really been looking forward to it the whole month. But this almost didn't happen. You may recall back last year, in Father and Son I talked about how he refused to participate in a programme the school selected him for. This was it - the choir.  

So it was apt that they started the evening with "It is Good to Give Thanks to the Lord". As I sat there with my family, I really do have a lot to thank God for. Thankful that he was enjoying himself on stage, thankful that his elder brother prioritised the concert over a class gathering, and thankful that I made it through the last couple of months. The choir followed on with "Take These Wings". I cant pronounce Steve Kupferschmid and have never heard of Don Besig, but what a uplifting song about the wonderful gift of life, whether you are at the beginning of it or at the end.

Songs from diverse genre followed including "Sing" by the Carpenters, Rodgers and Hammerstein's "My Favourite Things", Panis Angelicus which means Bread of Angels in Latin, and "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars. Somewhere in the middle, a little girl, I think from Primary 2, called Faith gave a solo performance of "Blessing" by Laura Story". Through the song, the girl reminded the audience that maybe the "trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise". The gift of child-like innocent faith in truly a blessing.

It was such an enjoyable evening. I am amazed how kids so young can put on such a great show. And there is something about watching your kid from afar giving his best and loving the moment, especially when he is in his smart white shirt and bow tie. Maybe it is seeing him take the wings and learning to fly.

I found a sparrow lying on the ground
Her life, I knew, would soon be at an end
I knelt before her as she made a sound
And listened as she said, 'My friend...

Chorus:
Take these wings and learn to fly
To the highest mountain in the sky
Take these eyes and learn to see
All the things so dear to me.

Take this song and learn to sing
Fill your hearts with all the joy of spring
Take this heart and set it free
Let it fly beyond the sea.'

I found another sparrow on the sand
A tiny bird whose life had just begun
I picked him up and held him in my hand
I smiled at him and said, 'My son...

~ Take These Wings, Steve Kupferschmid & Don Besig

Monopoly Deal

My second son introduced us to Monopoly Deal today. For the uninitiated, this is the card version of the popular board game. My son played it with his school friends earlier this week and asked me to get it for him when we were at Toys R Us today. The box says "Play in 15 minutes". I thought about the time I could potentially save compared to playing the board game, not to mention the effort required to set up the board and to pack it up when we are done playing. No-brainer, I agreed to buy it.

Turns out that it is quite different from the board game and far more vicious. Based on cards that you pick from the draw pile, the first player that acquires 3 full set of properties wins the game. However, there are various Action Cards - the Sly Deal card allows you to steal a property from someone else, the Force Deal card allows you to swap properties with another player and the Deal Breaker allows you to take a full set of property from any player! If you possess a Just Say No card, which my daughter refers to as Say Just No, you can cancel the effect of the Action Cards. Wouldn't it be handy to have some Say Just No cards in life. 

Then there are these cards that allow you to extort money from other players. The Happy Birthday card requires each player to give you a $2M gift; the cost of having expensive friends. The Rent cards which require either one or all players to pay you exorbitant rent, based on a property bubble presumably. These have to be used with care to avoid unnecessary tears during the game. So if I have to use them, I would get my son to pay up the rent. However, there was one game where I asked my son twice in a row, and he asked me to direct the Rent card to my daughter instead. The 5 year old was okay to foot out the $3M rent. Right after that was my son's turn, and he served up a Debt Collector card to my daughter which meant that she had to dish out another $5M. The financial distress was too much for her to handle and she burst out in tears. Without my prompting, my son held her arm and told her that she did not have to pay him. My son wouldn't make a very good debt collector; he could have considered offering a loan restructuring instead. The sweet gesture pacified her and the game could continue.

I forgot that with card games, they usually make me play at least 3 rounds with them. 15 minutes x 3 would have been 15 minutes longer than the 30-minute rule than I impose on the board game version of Monopoly. I clearly got outsmarted.

The ups and downs of games time with the kids.

Hope

To celebrate the completion of the chemo treatment, I asked a friend whether she would paint something for me. I wanted something to remind me of the hope that we have in Jesus in life's circumstances. I gave her Bible passages from Genesis 2-3, Isaiah 53 and John 19-20 as a synopsis of the Good News and asked her to paint Jesus crucified. Today I took delivery of the lovely painting and hung it up. As we approach the season of Advent, this is also a reminder of the reason for the season. 

I hadn't noticed earlier, but I just realised that now, side by side, are 2 paintings that depict the start and end of Jesus' earthly life. The other painting is a Chinese water colour of the Magi travelling from the east to witness the new born Messiah. My second son who was inspecting the painting was also pleasantly surprised when he noticed this. He said one painting was of Jesus "borning" and the other about his death. Not expecting his younger sister to be able to figure out what the new painting was about, he was amused when she said "Jesus dying to save the whole world". The simplicity of Christmas story. 

This morning, at church, the visiting pastor told us a little bit about his past. He told us he was a school drop out, and later became a drug-addict which eventually landed him in jail. It was during the time in jail that he personally accepted Jesus as his Lord and Saviour, even though he was born into a Catholic family. His life was so transformed that he became a witness for God. God's arms were pinned open onto the cross to offer grace to anyone and everyone who seeks it. The tranformational power of the cross.

The cross has been a constant reminder to me over the last couple of months that we have a God who understands our circumstances. He faced accusations, suffering, betrayal and humiliation, and ultimately death, but he faced it all humbly.  And in His death and resurrection, He revealed to us that there is eternal life. The eternal hope we have in Christ.


Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

~ Once Again, Matt Redman

In Control

It is taking me slightly longer to get back into routine in this last cycle of chemo. A bit of insomnia at the beginning followed by binge sleeping over the next couple of days. In between, is the lethargy. I resorted to Netflix to provide my brain with the much needed stimulation. I paced myself, 2 to 3 episodes of The Crown over the last few days. I am not entirely sure how much of the script is factual but there was enough history weaved into the story for me to feel I was watching something important. And if you forget everything else, you will still be left with an overwhelming sense of duty over self. Claire Foy was masterful in her portrayal of the young Queen trying to find her footing as the sovereign in the fast changing post-war Britain society. She sought the find the balance between being herself and being the Queen.

I particularly enjoyed John Lithgow's rendition of Churchill. One of the series' sub-plots was how Churchill dealt with his waning popularity even though the Conservative Party had regained power in the 1951 General Elections. The man who had led Britain to victory against Nazi Hitler was portrayed as a man who had lost his spark and lacked the focus to deal with the domestic economic issues facing Britain. 

In one episode, Lithgow's Churchill came face to face with his own mortality as he confronted Graham Sutherland, who had painted a full-length portrait of him. It was commission by the two Houses to commemorate Churchill's 80th birthday. Churchill hated the portrait and later summoned Sutherland to his home in Chartwell for a dress down. He poured out his contempt onto the artist for portraying him as "a broken, sagging, pitiful creature" and that it was "cruel". To which Sutherland responded "Age is cruel! If you see decay, it's because there's decay. If you see frailty, it's because there's frailty. I can't be blamed for what is. And I refuse to hide and disguise what I see. If you're engaged in a fight with something, then it's not with me. It is with your own blindness."

Yesterday morning, I nudged myself to go for a morning walk after dropping my daughter off at the kindergarten. I decided to visit St George's Church in Tanglin. We often drive by this wonderful Anglican church on the way to Dempsey Hill and I've always wanted to visit. I was the only one there at that time of the morning. I sat down to say a quiet prayer and thank God for getting me through the last few months. I read from Isaiah 45 and was reminded that everything is in God's sovereign hands even when it is incomprehensible to the human mind. And as if to answer the question of how I should view each day going forward, I saw the words taken from John 16:33 on the stained glass window "Be of Good Cheer, I Have Overcome the World".

My apologies if this blogpost is all over the place - Netflix, The Crown, Lithgow's Churchill and my visit to a church. It may well be a form of madness to see patterns where they don't exist! How I would sum it up is this - we spend a lot of energy and effort to make our lives work. Whether it is a call of duty or whether mixed in there somewhere is our difficulty in letting go. Sometimes it is just a matter of survival, fighting an illness or waning popularity or both. Or pushing back the thoughts of ageing and the frailty that comes with it. After so much of your life has been expended, and you don't feel like there is much more you can afford to give, what happens? Can you afford to let go and will it turn cruel?

I think we need to see life for what it is, and God for who He is, and rest upon the assurance of the work He has already done on the cross for us.


When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most, 
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

~ When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, Isaac Watts

His Presence

The very last session of chemo this morning. It is odd. I have been so looking forward to finish the treatment and it got a bit frustrating on the occasions when it was delayed. Yet this past week, and especially this two days at the clinic, I feel circumspect. Not entirely sure if it is the right word. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that this is finally going to be over and I shall go out for a meal with my family to celebrate. I definitely did not form a psychotic attachment to chemo. As you probably know by now I get sentimental about a lot of things but not about this treatment for sure.

It is also not so much about what's next either. I do have to sit down and think about what further adjustments to make to my life. I don't have the chemo to kill the bad cells going forward and I also don't have to worry about not eating well enough to keep the blood count up. So I should be cutting back on the calories. I don't have to spoil myself as much after this treatment is over, so a stricter diet and going back on an exercise routine is going to be important. I will keep up with the family holidays for sure because that can only be a good thing!

I sat down at the dining area for a short meditation before I left for the clinic this morning. I closed my eyes, cleared my thoughts and took deep cleansing breaths. I did that for a few minutes. And then the song that we sang in the church service last Sunday came to mind - "You are Awesome in This Place". I am not great with lyrics so I just hummed the tune. After that, I left for the clinic. 

When I arrived at the clinic, and as the nurse was preparing to insert the intravenous needle, I felt I really needed to distract myself from the pain. I have really become a baby when it comes to needles these days. I searched for the song that I was humming at home on youtube and played it. It seemed to have worked, the needle prick wasn't half as painful today. I then checked my phone to see where the GBP exchange rate was this morning after the British High Court concluded that PM May could not trigger the formal Brexit process without Parliament's backing. The rate was so much higher! Then I saw the whatsapp message that my sister sent through. It was a poster with this quote:

"When you enter His presence with praise, He enters your circumstances with power"

An awesome revelation to my circumspection. I needed to take in the moment to remind myself that when we face adversity, we also enter into His presence in a very powerful way. When the possibility of death grips the mind, your Heavenly Father enfolds you.  

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18

He speaks with clarity and in power when we don't know what to think about the road ahead. He strengthens you and makes you better even when you think that you are at your lowest point and these is no upside. And indeed there is very little upside to getting cancer. He reminds you of the eternal perspective. 

It is a privilege to enter His presence, to pass the gates of praise into His sanctuary. All by the grace offered by Christ Jesus who died for our sins.


As I come into Your presence

Pass the gates of praise
Into Your sanctuary
Til we're standing face to face
I look upon Your countenance
I see the fullness of your grace
I can only bow down and say... 

You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
You are awesome in this place, Abba Father
You are worthy of all praise
To You our lives we raise
You are awesome in this place, Mighty God
~ You are Awesome in this Place, Hillsong United

Side-effects

I am in the clinic for the last cycle of chemo. As usual, I had to clear the blood test first. The phlebotomist was a familiar face from a couple of weeks back, a friendly Indian lady by the name of Mala. The last time she took my blood she wished me Happy Birthday in advance (this line could work very well in a vampire movie). This time round she asked me how I celebrated my birthday.

The last time round I mentioned to her that it may be my imagination that procedures involving needles were getting more painful. She told me that it wasn't my imagination. I googled and it could be  what is known as superficial thrombophlebitis. Today as she was taking my blood, the blood stopped flowing after she collected 1 vail of blood. She resorted to the other hand for the remaining 3 vails. I googled this too and it could be hypercoagulation due to the chemo.

After 2 hours of waiting, I got the blood count results and I was cleared for the chemo. I have just started and I now typing with my right middle finger taped firmly to my index finger, of the same hand in case you were wondering. Slightly drowsy from the medication. I whatsapp the group who has been supporting me in prayer and they have been coming back to me with well wishes and praising God for His goodness. One of them told me that yesterday she dreamt of me smiling. As I come to the end of the treatment, I am so thankful for each one of them for keeping me in prayers. Feeling a bit emotional because so many people have been fussing over me and pointing me towards God's promises in the last few months. Maybe the emotions  is a side-effect of the chemo too.

What are the longer term-side effect? Able to sense more clearly what is feels like when death comes knocking on my door. Able to understand a lot better why pride, arrogance, human accolades are so pointless and deceiving. Able to draw on experience that God and His people will be in the midst of the storm that I am in. A distrust that this is all there is to life. A stronger believe that there is a heaven and we are all closer to it than we think.

At all times I will bless Him His praise will be in my mouth My soul makes its boast in the Lord The humble man will hear of Him The afflicted will be glad And join with me to magnify the Lord Let us exalt His name together, forever I sought the Lord, He heard me And delivered me from my fears. Let us exalt His name together, forever 0 sing His praises magnify the Lord The angel of the Lord encamps Round those who fear His name To save them and deliver them from harm Though lions roar with hunger We lack for no good thing No wonder then we praise Him with our song Come children now and hear Him If you would see long life Just keep your mouth from wickedness and lies Do good and turn from evil Seek peace instead of strife Love righteousness and God will hear your cry