Confusion

I wasn't annoyed because I have come to accept delays. In preparation for cycle 5 planned for tomorrow, I did a full blood count on Saturday morning. I was so sure the count was going to be fine because only 2 weeks ago it was at the highest it has ever been since I started chemo. It was so high it surprised me then. When I got home, the oncologist messaged to tell me that the count was low. He sent me a copy of the results and it was the lowest it has ever been since I started the treatment. I will have to wait for a week to repeat the test.

What I am though is confused. Not angry confused but humbled confused. Confused that the blood count can be so volatile, humbled because yet again I am reminded that I am not in control. If there is a formula to this, I have yet to figure it out. That goes for developing lymphoma in the first place. I also don't have the formula to explain why the smallest lymphoma hotspot has not disappeared when all the other spots that were larger have.  I am missing a couple of variables in my equations.

The last couple of months have reminded me of how little we know as humans. We know a lot more than we use to but not enough by any measure. We try to find a formula to everything, sometimes to the point of absurdity. We try to correlate everything to anything and sell it as scientific research. Snake oil.

And then there are times we try to fit God into a formula. Fortunately, our God does not conform to the limits of our human mind. Beyond our human understanding, God created time and space. Beyond what we deserve, He created an escape plan for a fallen world which involved Him coming into the world through virgin birth. Beyond our capacity to save ourselves, He was slain as an unblemished lamb to atone for our sins. Grace too can be confusing.

I have learnt to just go with the flow. I don't have to fully understand everything. Now is there a formula to a cheery working Monday?


Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

~ Isaiah 40 : 28 - 31

Children's Play

Every now and then, my second son would go at lengths to create an imaginary world. Together with his younger sister, they would spend several days planning an event which they would get the rest of the family to participate in. Last week, it was a dinner at a "fancy restaurant which is cheap and good".  My son prepared an extensive menu, from appetizers to mains to desserts and drinks, based on what he would normally eat when we go out for weekend family meals. The ingredients, mostly plastic, were organised on their beds. He invented a form of Teppanyaki where the chef throws the cut food into the guests' mouths. The bill was exorbitant and the door was kept locked until I paid the bill.

And several weeks back they organised a concert. He planned out the programme over a few days, occasionally asking me how to spell random words. When it was completed the programme was blu-tacked to his room wall and he regularly reminded all of us to set aside time for it. He used clothe tags which he collected from our previous purchases as concert tickets. Torchlights and toys with light displays were used for a light show in the dark. There were various music genres - a imaginary flute for a classical tune and a sport cap worn backwards for hip-hop. They were both well coordinated, knowing what to do and what to use as they moved from one part of the programme to another.

Yesterday, he started an in-house postal service. I was barely awake when he came into the room with individual plastic sleeves taken from his clear-folder and a permanent marker. He wrote the names of each family member on the individual sleeves and blu-tacked them to each bedroom. There was also one for the living room labelled the "Post". He asked all of us to write letters to each other and drop it at the "Post" so that it gets delivered to the intended recipients. The master bedroom is "Money Road", my eldest son's room is "Strong Road" and the room which he shares with his sister is called "Bully Free Road". He told me that we were using our mobile phones too often and that we should be sending each other letters instead. What wisdom. So this morning before we left for church, I wrote a very short letter to each member of the family. My daughter dressed up as the "postgirl", a ladybug bag pack and a Disney Princesses metal box, to collect the letters for delivery. 

They surprise me with their ideas and how they re-interprete the use of every day things in the imaginary world. They bring to life what is in their heads through detailed preparation and practice. Through their eyes everything is possible and nothing is a limitation. They inject humour and pearls of wisdom that speak to grown-ups who sometimes over-complicate life. 

God often uses my children to remind me that there is a better way and a greater purpose in life. It was apt that I wrote each of them a short thank you letter today.

Weather in Maldives

Yesterday we were stuck indoors pretty much the whole day. It rained soon after breakfast and the storm didn't clear up until about 5pm. My eldest son caught up on school revision whilst the two younger kids did a TV marathon. My wife was hooked on a Korean-drama and I caught up on some sleep. The cool winds and hypnotic rhythms of sea made for a therapeutic afternoon nap. Pointless trying to fight a storm. Rainy days have their charm too.

According to the weather forecast, there was likelihood of more rain today. So I decided to take a walk around the island in early in the morning to take some photos with the SLR. It is often on these morning walks by myself during holidays that I chance upon new and interesting things. I take the time to look up and down, near and far. I would try out the longer route, which would not make me very popular with the kids if they tag along. I will snap the same subject from several angles, soak it all in and visualise how to tell a story in the photobook. 

As I walked along the beach, I was surprised by the sight of a baby black tip shark. It was swimming calmly along the shallow waters. I, on the other hand, was not so calm, trying to video the shark, take photos of it, and take more pictures with my phone, and wefies as well - me and the shark. I followed the shark until it disappeared from sight. As I walked on, I sighted 7 other similar sharks. Although I probably took enough photos and videos of the first encounter, I could not help myself but take more. 

With the photos, I later managed to convince my family to take a walk after breakfast to see if they could catch a glimpse of the sharks. We did not see any along the beach possible because by then it was warmer, but caught sight of a pair in deeper waters from the jetty. What else but more photos and videos. Just as we were about to leave the jetty, some guests returned from their deep water fishing excursion. Their catch included 2 very long and large deep sea fishes. There was a lot of excitement because the largest catch, a wahoo, was still moving. 

After all the excitement, we spent the late morning and afternoon doing our own things.  I took my second son for cycle boating and snorkelling along the reef wall. He later spent 2 hours catching the waves as he sat along the beach talking to himself whilst I rested on a crescent shaped beach sofa under a coconut tree. My daughter decided to stay at home because she didn't want to get sand on her feet today. Mommy had a sleep in to recover from the late night of K-drama. My eldest son went for a turtle tour. No turtles sighted but he was pleased with the everything else that he did see. It ended up not raining today. The younger kids are now sitting on the stairs watching the big waves splash against the sides of the villa. 

Not everything turned out as planned, certainly not the weather. But quality family time all the same.

A fisherman looked out to sea, he made a little wish, that God would keep him safe today and help him catch some fish ~ A Fisherman's Wish, Gary Bunt

Being Still in Maldives

We decided to spend the week long September school holidays in Maldives. I didn't do that much planning when I booked the holiday. How to you figure out which was the best amongst more than a thousand islands? I merely looked up booking.com for what seemed like a decent resort at a decent price. Later I found out that Outrigger Konotta Maldives Resort situated at the Gaafu Dhaalu Atoll is about 350km south of Male. It is 1 hour ahead of the Male timezone. After the 4.5 hour flight from Singapore to Male, there was a 3 hour wait for a 55 minute internal flight on Maldivian Air to Kaadedhdhoo Airport. After a 1/2 hour wait to sought out the luggage, we took a 10 minutes walk to the jetty for a 1/2 hour boat transfer to the resort. Had I known that it would take 12 hours door to door, I am not sure if I would have picked this resort.

But once here, I was awestruck by its beauty. It is a lovely resort with soft white sands and lush greenery to shade you from the warm tropical afternoon sun. It has that small South Indian village feel as you stroll around the island. The two room villa we booked was far larger and more luxurious than we had expected. The balcony opens up to an infinity pool and at the side are the stairs that lead you down to the dual blue waters of the Indian Ocean. Idyllic escape. We're probably the first to introduce kids to this honeymooner island.

Due to 3 hours time difference, I woke up at 3am this morning. I rolled around in bed for awhile before deciding to get up. I sat on the deck chair at the balcony to take in the sea breeze and the sounds of waves. Later my wife joined me and we both sat there staring in awe at the multitudes of stars in the clear morning skies. It reminded me of something I had read a couple of days back about the certainty of a Creator God and His immense authority. His authority to call the stars into existence. This is the same God who created the waters that are teeming with marine creatures. We saw this when we went to the beach after our breakfast. Fishes of various shapes and colours, giant clams and corals. I was fortunate enough to spot a baby black tip shark. God spoke this ecosystem into existence and set in them the instructions to multiply. Snorkeling at the drop zone reminds me again of how vast God's creative canvass is.

In the evening, I sat with my younger kids on the villa stairs to look at more fishes and the rising tides. In those peaceful moments, I was suddenly reminded of a Don Moen song "Be Still my Soul". The God who set the stars at the heights of the universe and placed the fishes in the depths of the ocean is sat at the stair with me. Whether this was me trying to fit in as many family vacations as I could in case I run out of time, or whether this was my escape from the thoughts of cancer, or whether this was just another beach holiday, whatever the reason, God is in my midst. He too is a father watching over his children, spending time with them. For this reason, I can be still.

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Cease from the labor and the toil
Refreshing springs of peace await
The troubled minds and hearts that ache

Be still my soul,  God knows your way
And He will guide, For His name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of His grace
Rest in the arms of His embrace

Be still my soul, Be still my soul
Though battles round you rage and roar
One thing you need and nothing more
To hear the whisper of your Lord

Be still My child, I know your way
And I will guide, For My name's sake
Plunge in the rivers of My grace
Rest in the arms of My embrace

Be still, be still my soul

~ Be Still My Soul, Don Moen