Father and Son

Last Sunday, on our way home with my second son, he told me that he would take care of me when I am old. And only after I die would he get married. I explained that grown ups don't have to wait for their parents to pass on before they got married. I also told him that when he gets married he would have a home of his own. He said that in that case he would come by to visit me and to give me some pocket money. I don't know what triggered this conversation but it does seem like he has included me in his future plans. This isn't an unusual conversation that young kids have with their parents but it is nevertheless heartwarming to see such thoughtfulness.

It is especially heartwarming because only two days before we had a big disagreement. Yes a forty-something can have big disagreement with his very young son. It wasn't a fight - it was him disagreeing with me quietly, and me disagreeing with him more forcefully. He brought a letter home from school informing us that he has been selected to participate in a non-academic school programme. I was pleasantly surprised because we were not aware that the school was making the selection but it made a lot of sense because he does seem to display natural talent in that particular area. Also to my surprise, he wasn't at all keen on participating in that programme. He refused to tell me the reason for his aversion and was in tears when I probed. 

In situations like these, a father has to make a decision whether to be understand and give in to his son or to give him a firm nudge to try something that would be good for his personal development and likely to be enjoyable if he gave it a chance. If I nudged, would it be because I was a Asian Tiger Dad expecting my kids to live out my expectations of them? There wasn't a Dragon Mom on my side on this matter so I was going in alone. The Tiger Dad nudged and the Pangolin curled up in self-defence. Without much success, I signed the form indicating that he would be participating in the programme and asked him to decide what he wanted to do with the form. Then I went to my room desperately hoping that he would change his mind.

I am not sure what changed his mind but he did. He told me when I asked him the next morning. Glad that he did but I still felt the need to tell him that I was disappointed with his initial response. This was me reinforcing the point that Daddy is almost always right! I not sure if he was convinced but he was as usual very gracious to his father. I gave him a hug and we went about having a good weekend.

Only time will tell whether as a father I made the right calls or took the right approach with my kids. The perfect parenting book suited for the specific parent-child pair has yet to be written so I am flying blind even though there were many mistakes to learn from the experiences with my first son. But I wholeheartedly believe that fathers have a role to play in nudging their kids out of their comfort space. Kids have amazing potential in them and fathers can't always play Mr Softee. In the meantime, it is reassuring to know that my son still plans his future with me in it.

Simple Truths

Kids have a way of reminding their parent of the simple truths in life. A couple of days back my second son reminded us that I should make him a Children's Day card because he's made cards for us on special occasions. He's right, love and kind acts should be reciprocated. And so I made the kids a colourful card. This evening as we were sharing a slice of strawberry cheesecake to celebrate the occasion, he pointed out that adults don't laugh as much as children do. He gave examples of things that he laughed about over the last  two days and even demonstrated the different ways he laughed. Twisting his face, he said we both have serious faces. Again he's probably right, kids have far more funny bones.

My daughter loves to squash her face on mine and ask me in a make-pretend angry tone "Do you love me or not?" Funny yet profound because that in essence is what we all look for in life, to know that we are well loved by those we love. Occasionally she would ask me "Are you happy or sad?", as if I were lying on her psychotherapy couch. The truth is whatever I am preoccupied with I could afford to look unmistakably happier.

We can get locked up in our learnt behaviours losing sight of what life ought to be. Our kids sometimes play our younger selves asking us whether we have lived up to the simple rules in life - love a lot and be happy.

Happy Children & Youth Day to my kids and to all the kids out there.

Gun Land

Another mass shooting, this time in Oregon. A 26 year old man walked into the classroom in a community college, shot the professor point blank and then proceeded to attack the students. Apparently he asked those who were Christians to stand up before he shot them.

The violence ended with 10 dead. I looked up a LA Times article which sets out the timeline for the deadliest mass shootings in the US between 1984 and 2015. There were two year-to-date, two each in 2013-2014 and six in 2012. In total there were 32 in those 21 years, averaging more than one a year. But when I looked at another website that came up from my search there were many more cases that didn't make it into LA Times deadliest list. The US is the mass shooting capital of the world and the country, in Obama's words, is numb to it. A nation that goes to war in foreign lands to defend democracy has no resolve to confront this serious epidemic in its home front.

This tragic and senseless murder reminds me of a group discussion on Freedom that I sat in a couple of years back. What is Freedom and what it is not? Is it the license to do whatever you wish however you wish? This is a question that the Land of the Brave and the Home of the Free needs to ask itself more of. A nation that is paralysed by politicians who are far more concerned about maintaining the support from the NRA than doing protecting the lives of its citizens.  A shameful form of democracy that is advocating the use of guns for self-defence against gun violence.

That Bible study session reminded us that laws are established to protect the community from harm - a freedom from harm. Freedom is about being free to do good. Intellectuals will ask how is good define? Good from who's perspective? Valid and philosophical but absolutely irrelevant to the gun issue. Freedom is not freedom if it destroys families. Good is when the government takes control to protect students from premeditated murder. Those who died so innocently aren't just statistics. They call into account the inaction of those who who were elected to protect freedom.

Love and Hope

I have been following Human of New York's recent feature on the Middle Eastern refugees seeking asylum in Europe. Stories of despair and stories of people holding on although they have already lost too much. People who had to make a decision whether to take a chance with an overcrowded boat or stay behind to face their children's slaughter. People who have so little yet taken advantage of by human traffickers. What prepares people to face such trauma? What gives them strength to hope? How can they recover?

A couple of days back as I was reading the latest HONY post, Like I Going To Lose You came over the radio.  The song speaks of the same fragility that these refugees are face with. I wondered whether they had the chance to love that one final time before their love was lost. I wondered whether they would have gone ahead to love if they foresaw the cards life death them. Life can be so raw.

I know of friends who question if it is right to bring children into such a dangerous world. Isn't it a selfish and irresponsible act? I have also asked similar questions before parenthood came my way. The truth is that it is a form of self-indulgence and yes parents do take the risks that their children's lives may be full of challenges. But life and love is compelling. Life leads us to love, and love leads us to hope.

There is hope when families cling on to each other even if they lose everything else. The  memories of their love and sacrifices for each other give hope and builds faith for others who read their stories. Such hope frustrates oppressors and hate-mongers. Like lanterns, their hope lights up the darkest path for them to journey on through uncertain times, even if they are left behind by their loved ones.

Our love echoes God. Love and hope defeats hatred, selfishness, indifference and fear.

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.  ~ Job 33:4