The Journey

We attended my daughter's kindergarten year-end concert yesterday morning. It's been 2 years since we've been to one of these back when my second son was at the same school.  We were clearly excited to watch her performance, but I had forgotten how good these productions were. 

The concert started with the graduation ceremony for the K2 kids. Although my daughter isn't in this year's graduating class, it was still quite emotional to watch these very young bubbly kids complete this chapter of their lives and to move on to the much more arduous Singapore education system. The thought brought tears to my wife's eyes. It's a true joy to watch the kids scurry across the stage as their names are called to receive their graduation scroll. It's emotional to watch them take their bow to a carefree childhood where learning was mostly through play. No turning back.

The concert this year was entitled The Journey. In the year 3000, four children from Planet Alpha takes up a mission to rescue Planet Omega from monster worms and unlivable conditions. These children were given a red box, much like the one that the late Mr. Lee Kuan Yew had, we were told. They were given instructions to open the red box to look for answers when they find themselves in tricky situations. Their journey through time and space and their ups and downs were told through the dances performed by the various classes who had practised their moves since the beginning of term 4. They danced to the turns of Mission Impossible,  Don't Worry, Lean on Me, You Raise Me Up and many more. The story ended with the kids from Planet Alpha finding those whom they were supposed to rescue. We will have to wait until next year for the sequel, The Promise, to see how the journey ends. 

As I watched, I am reminded of how fortunate I have been to have been able to journey with my kids. I wonder where they get all their energy, humour and ideas, and where all these will lead them. They are so full of potential, I pray that they will choose to use it for the greater good. Through the many life experiences, I know that that it is unrealistic to expect only easy days for them so my prayer is that they will remember to open the red box that God has placed in their hearts. I pray that in good times they will give God praise and in adversity they will take courage in His everlasting presence. There comes a time when parents have to bid their kids goodbye and let them sail on in their journey of life. Until that time, I am learning to trust in God with what I cannot see. 

The concert ended with all the kindergarten children and teachers singing The Journey for the finale.

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been.

~ The Journey, Lea Salonga

October

I am an October baby. More than a month back a group of friends had already made arrangements to take me out for dinner. We met up on Wednesday. My brother and his wife were in town last week to see how I was getting on and they took my family out for a lovely dinner at the Botanic Gardens. My second sister will be traveling down from Hong Kong. My eldest sister sent me a lovely handmade card to wish me well. My wife has made lunch reservations to try out an Italian restaurant recommended by a friend. I am slightly embarrassed by all the fuss over my turning one year older.

I was supposed to be starting the final cycle of chemo on my birthday. I was too much of a guy to ask the oncologist to defer it. Seemed like a fuss, so I didn't. Having chemo for my birthday would have been a poignant reminder that we are all passing through the passage of time between birth and a better place, sometimes stumbling through.  Fortunately, the chemo was pushed back to November due to delays in starting Cycle 5. I did eventually tell the oncologist about it and he said that it wouldn't have been right to make me visit the doctors on my birthday. 

Taking a quiet moment this morning, I am reminded that God has been fussing over me all these years. He's brought really good people into my life. I've been through majestic ups and epic fails, but always supported. There were a number of years I stopped believing that God exists, didn't call Him; but He called anyway, left messages for me, He wanted to chat and asked me to call if I got the chance. When He blessed me with 3 wonderful children, I got the chance to see life from His perspective.

This past 12 month of tremendous changes brought new perspectives too. Organisational restructuring and opting for redundancy, joining a new firm, leading a team through some interesting times, the encounter with the big C. I've learnt not to worry too much. I've learned to let go of pointless self-inflicted frustrations and receive His shalom. My second son's birthday note to me this morning was apt "enjoy your li(f)e! May the[redundant] God Bless you on this day". The birthday cake which my wife ordered to surprise me was apt too - a beach holiday in the Maldives. I have been in good hands these many years, that's not changing. 


As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart and glorify Your Name

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord, give us strength to live for You and glorify Your Name

~ Your Name, Paul Baloche

Children's Day 2016

Today is Children's Day in Singapore. Celebrated on the first Friday of October, kids up to the primary school level get the day off. I have 2 of those and they have been looking forward to "something special".  I am on medical leave to recover from the first few days of the chemo cycle, for one, the insomnia that has been keeping me awake since 1am. I am hoping that I will be able to keep awake later in the day to make it meaningful for them. Their obvious request was to go to McDonald's for breakfast, to which my wife protested. I am left in the "Daddy knows best" situation, so we will figure something out.

Two days ago, my second son sneaked a small Lego box from the playroom to his bedroom. He then sneaked it back to the playroom only to be found out by his sister. And so the sister insisted on seeing what was inside and asked why she doesn't have one. It was a SG50 commemorative Lego gift set which all primary and secondary school kids received a bit more than a year ago. So I tried to pacify Mei Mei by telling her that we have 2 sets at home and I will get her set for her. My son reminded me that the other set belonged to Koh Koh and that the kindergarten kids did not receive the gift set. I wasn't entirely sure why my son didn't want to open the box and share the toy with his bestie so I asked him to keep it away at least until he finished his homework. Peace resumed.

Later in the evening, I found him in the playroom wrapping the Lego set with exercise book paper. He was quietly cutting pieces of cellophane tape to stick it all together. He explained that it was a surprise Children's Day present for Mei Mei. Which perfectly explains what happened earlier in the day. It is kind of a surprise but it isn't, but certainly a nice gesture. When he was done, he looked for a corner to hide it before his sister woke up from her afternoon nap. His strategy was to keep it at the toy corner which has developed in the living room, in hope that his sister would not spot the obvious from the obvious. This didn't work out quite like he expected. Well to be fair, it worked a little bit because Mei Mei only spotted it the next day. And she read the note that said that it was a gift for her. I told her that it was meant to be a surprise gift so she should put it back where she found it and wait for it to be presented to her on Thursday.

Thursday came along. Both of them were happy with their Children's Day celebrations at their respective schools. They both came home with their bags of goodies. My second son said that it was the best day of his life, which is what he says whenever he has had a good day. He told his sister that unlike his friends, he didn't eat the snack that he got from school because he wanted to share it with her. It reminds me of how my siblings would do the same for me when I was the only pre-school child at home. After he put the snacks in the refrigerator, he went on to present the surprise gift to his sister. I took a photo of her happily opening her gift and then left them to it. 

Later in the day, my wife told me that Mei Mei complained to his brother that the box contained an assortment of toys that belonged to her. It turned out that the content wasn't the Lego set. Mei Mei showed me the content in the evening and her brother was there to explain that it was not all her toys, some were from his own collection. I was holding back from laughing but told both of them that it was a very nice gesture. They then took turns to ask me what gift I was getting them for Children's Day.

Wonderful to witness such children humour this Children's Day.


Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him ~ Psalm 127: 3

Cycle 5

Back in May, I blogged about my apprehension with chemo - what it  may be like and what I was doing to prepare myself for it. But after starting the treatment, the slight apprehension I have is whether the next cycle will be delayed and if so by how long. And then after awhile even the delays become a norm. The current cycle, the fifth one, has been delayed twice. 

Three weeks back, at the mid-point of cycle 4, my white blood count (wbc) was at its highest ever at 20+ ths/uL ie 20 thousand white blood cells per microlitres of blood. I checked it out, 1 microlitres is 1/1,000,000,000th of 1 cubic meter. It is mind boggling how many white blood cells (lymphocytes), we have and how tiny they are.  Our lives can't function without these micro-warrior, yet as in my case, if any of them turn to the dark side they can wreck havoc. The chemo destroys both lymphocytes and renegade white blood cells (lymphoma), yet I need enough of lymphocytes to continue with the chemo. A delicate balance.

The normal wbc ranges between 4 - 11 ths/uL, so my immunity at that point in time went through the roof. This was right after I took a set of booster jabs which is part of the regime. Two weeks later, it was down to 2.85 ths/uL. Where did 17 ths/uL suddenly disappear to is anybody's guess. Chemo is split into several cycles to allow our body the time to recover; the body's immunity is supposed to be at its lowest in the middle of the cycle and recover in the second half of the cycle. It was slow to recover in my case.

From past experience, it would nudge up slightly after about 4 days to a level that is closer to 4 ths/uL.  But this time round, despite waiting for another week, my wbc slipped further south to 2.75 ths/uL when I did the test on Monday. Was it a case of the chemo being too effective? So cycle 5 got delayed a second time. The doctor gave me booster jabs for 3 days and the hope was that by Thursday morning my wbc would be back up.  Due to some change of plans I came back to the clinic a day earlier than scheduled. The wbc this morning was back up to 9+ ths/uL. So finally I was cleared to start on cycle 5. I have been here for about 3 hours and another hour to go before the chemo session is completed for today.

I try to manage whatever resources I have, including time, the best I can but situations like this make me acutely aware that I don't have mastery over time or timing. There is a passage from James 4:

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 

Truly, we submit everything to a big awesome God who has mastery over time and smallest of His creations, including lymphocytes. I don't have enough understand of either but fortunately my knowledge and understanding are never pre-requisites for things to work out in life.

5 cycles almost done, and 1 to go, by God's will.


1 Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

~ Psalms 127 : 1 - 2

The Facemask

Yesterday's Facebook throwback photo caught me by surprise. It was a photo of my son wearing a facemask during the worst of the haze problem last year. For a moment I thought it was a picture of me. Although I have done very well in not letting the facemask bother me, there were a few occasions when I felt a bit indignant.

I have this urge to reassure people around me that I don't have a bug and they don't have to feel uncomfortable. When I meet someone for the first time, I am never quite sure if I should extend my handshake because it may put the other person in an awkward position having to shake my hand if they thought I have a bug. I keep reminding myself that I am over-thinking.

Curious kids tend to think I look cool and special with the mask on so I wink at them. The lady from the laundry service who collects my working shirts from the office every Wednesday wonders why I am always wearing a mask. Recently she asked me about it but I don't think she understood my response because she was busy writing out the collection slip and I was brief with my explanation. I did a better job explaining it to the office cleaner even though I spoke in broken Chinese. She wasn't convinced at first and thought I was pulling her leg. When she accepted that I wasn't kidding, she asked me to eat more broccoli. 

I am okay most of the time but seeing that photo of my son was like being a third person looking at myself. For a moment I felt self-pity and I asked myself "Oh my, how did this happen to you?" Maybe it is the same question I would ask if were to look at myself in the mirror in my old age. The sense that this wasn't supposed to happen. Today, as I reflected on this again, I realised that God too sees a likeness of himself wearing a mask when He looks at me. I am reminded that we are all created in His image. I am reminded that that is the reason He had to redeem us by His blood - we were His children from the beginning. I am reminded that my Father watches over me.


I lift up my eyes to the mountains -
  where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord , 
  the Maker of heaven and earth. 

He will not let your foot slip -
  he who watches over you will not slumber; 
indeed, he who watches over Israel 
  will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord watches over you - 
  the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 
the sun will not harm you by day, 
  nor the moon by night. 

The Lord will keep you from all harm- 
  he will watch over your life; 
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
  both now and forevermore.

~ Psalm 121