Her Way with Words

She has a way with her words. Each weekday morning as we leave the home, my daughter would wish my wife,"Good-bye mommy, I love you". One morning, I decided to ask her why she never says that to me when I drop her off at her class. She explained that she only says that when she is leaving the home and the class wasn't home. We both knew that wasn't true so I confronted her whilst we were going down the lift. "Is it because mommy is your favourite?" I asked in my monster-like tone. "No that is not true," she denied it with a snigger. Two days later, when she was alone with my wife she said to her "You know I love Mommy". And after a bit of hesitation she said "But please don't tell Daddy that".

I couldn't leave this hanging in the air. So this morning I said to her "I know I am not your favourite".  She responded with "You are my family". She realised that wasn't going to be quite enough of a good response so she added "Daddy is my favourite". But even before she finished that sentenced she corrected herself "No, Mommy and Daddy are my favourite".  I am never going to win that one.

A week back, she came into my bedroom pretending to be flustered by her thoughts and ask me "Where is God?" I wanted to laugh but this was a very fair and deep question, so I kept a straight face. She put both her hands on her head and slummed onto my bed asking me "Is God invisible, where is He?" I offered her the simplest answer I knew "God is everywhere and you can see Him through everything He has made including you". She didn't give time for the answer to sink in. She ran out of the room repeating the question to herself "Where is God?"

The next day, after Sunday School, she showed me a worksheet they used in the class. Pointing to a maze, she explained that "Jesus was going to a party to meet people". The maze depicted Jesus going to the home of Zacchaeus, the tax collector. She found her answer to where God is and what He was doing. And I found that hilarious.

It is amazing what is in the mind of a little girl, and what they choose to reveal to you.

What Are You Good At?

I brought the two younger kids for swimming this morning. As we were heading out the door, my son asked me a random question "What are you good at Daddy?". I thought for moment and asked him whether he meant if I had a hobby. I was hoping that that was his question or I would have difficulty making up an answer. 

A few evenings ago, I took the both of them to the dentist. They both had cavities that needed filling. After fixing their teeth, the doctor suggested that I should buy less sugary snacks for them. I nodded in agreement. Some room for improvement there for me; certainly not what I was good at. The doctor also asked me what time the kids normally went to bed. Perhaps he was surprised that the kids were still alert and active at 8.30pm whilst he was treating them. I hesitated for a second before I told him that they go to bed at 10.30pm. The doctor was surprised and asked me if that was because they take a nap during the day. I was glad he reminded me; I explained that they do take a long after school nap. Not great but not bad either.

That evening as I was chasing the kids to get ready for their bedtime, my son said this with a cheeky smile "You told the dentist that we go to sleep at 10.30". I gave him my usual monster stare and he couldn't contain his laughter. He caught me telling a white lie. I told him that he and his sister got me into trouble with the dentist because they refuse to sleep early.

So what am I good at? Before I could answer my son's intended question, my daughter offered some suggestions, as if she was answering the question on my behalf " Take care of us? Cook for us? Take us out?" My heart swelled up with pride and I thanked her for being so kind. 

I can't honesty say that I am great at parenting but I am glad the kids are appreciative of the effort.

Weekend Cooking

Each weekend, I spend between three to four hours cooking a couple of dishes. These aren't for a homely weekend meal with the family.  These dishes go into the freezer for consumption during the weekdays. We've not had domestic help for many years now and this is one of the arrangements to get around a time-deficit work week.

As you can imagine, there are downsides to this arrangement. My traits at the workplace manifest themselves when I am in the kitchen. Those who know me from work will tell you that I like to keep things simple. Over-complicating things only lead to confusion. The other thing that my colleagues would say about me is that I like a modular approach to most things I do. Design self-contained modules that can be used and re-used. I cook the mince meat on its own so that it can be used in the porridge, or mixed-in with the fried cabbage, or with spaghetti sauce. Stir-fry two types of vegetables and they can be mixed-and-matched with the meat or the poultry to give you at least four different combinations of a balanced meal. 

Monday's are predictable - a meat and vegetable soup slow cooked overnight. Whilst we can't have soup for every meal, I am determined to have it at least one day of the week. It's not because I have Cantonese blood from my mother's side of the family, but simply because it's one less thing to think about on a Sunday evening - meat, root vegetables, onions, all in a pot and I am done. It's my sons' least favourite meal of the week, but I will keep at it so long as my daughter still enjoys it. When my sons give me the stare, I just tell them,"eat it, because it is good for you". 

Someday, when my kids get invited to their potential in-laws' home for dinner, they are going to realise that other families' meal times are quite different. When that happens, I hope they will see the humour in it and find it in their heart to forgive me. I hope that they will also understand that good tasting or not, it was a labour of love.

Bit by Bit

My eldest son started his academic year in a new school recently, after a two month break. On the first day I suggested that we should leave home together as I was walking my second son to school. He wasn't keen; perhaps he didn't want to be known as the new boy whose father took a video of him setting foot into the school premises.  But why would I do that? Openly? Well we will never know now. On the first day each year the new students are greeted by a team of cheerleaders at the school entrance. Maybe I will video him cheerleading next year instead.

He completed his aquarium project the day before he started school. He spent weeks planning and researching on the tank and equipment, and how to create an ecosystem for the fishes. There were certain weekends when he was out the whole day with his aunt hunting for things that he wanted. I have never seen him quite as determined or excited about something. The aquarium sits in his room and these days, rather than avoiding his room, we all take turns visiting his room to admire his fishes. He's made effort to keep his room tidy partly because it was one of the conditions I set for starting an aquarium. Or perhaps he is just too shy to let his fishes stare into a chaotic outer world from their habitat. Bit by bit, he is changing his surrounding, and his surrounding is changing him.

When I walk home after sending my second son to school, I will take a quick glance into the secondary school where my eldest son studied. It will remind me of the mornings when he sat at the outdoor assembly area talking to his friends before the school day starts. Although he isn't in that school anymore, it still feels like he is. It feels like if I looked hard enough, I would see him amongst the kids. I get sentimental over such things. Or maybe it is not so much about wanting to hold on to the past as much as it is about accepting that this is a glance into the future. Bit by bit things are changing.

Independence

I thought this only happens in cartoons. Peanuts perhaps. This morning as I was walking my second son to school, I noticed a schoolboy who was walking ahead of us accompanied by his family helper. In his arms he was holding a bolster. From its size, my guess was that he has had this bolster since he was a toddler. It looked clean, but the slightly faded colours suggested that it has been well used. It intrigued me. I wondered what would happen when he got to school.

After about two minutes we got to the assembly area where the school kids make their way to the respective class queues. I gave my son a hug and a peck on the head and sent him off on his way. As I waved goodbye to my son, I saw the schoolboy hand over his bolster to the helper, take a big and deep sniff of it before letting it go. He looked satisfied and ready for his day ahead. His bolster was his confidence booster. If there was someone who knew what was important and didn't care what other people thought, it was this boy.

My guess is that one day this boy will get teased by his school friends and he would immediately stop bringing the bolster for his morning walk to school. My guess is that when that happens, he will put up a brave front and breathe calmly even though he feels like he is about to suffocate. My guess is that on that day the helper will be equally anxious as she sees this boy grow up right before her eyes. Perhaps she will sense that the inevitable has arrived, and accept that he will no longer be the same little boy she's grown so accustom to.

Whether as parents or grandparents, aunts, uncles or helpers, we are proud to see the kids grow into independent individuals. Yet these proud moments often leave us with very mix feelings - the sense that time has passed us by too quickly. When we turn back to take a second look, we no longer see the child we knew before. I certainly have this feeling when I walk my second son to school as it often reminds me of the time when I fetched my eldest son to school. Yet in only a couple of days, my eldest son will find out which pre-university college he will be posted to. In a blink of an eye. My consolation is that my daughter, the youngest in the family, is so much younger. Even so, she is fiercely independent.

 

Interesting Week Ahead

Tomorrow should be interesting. It is my first day at a new work place. The last time I changed jobs was close to a decade ago so this is virtually a new experience for me. My friend who is also a headhunter recently joked that it would be extremely difficult to make a decent commission out of me because I seldom change jobs. I've had slightly more than a week off work, which just flew by. I spent it settling the younger kids in their new school year and got round to some of the chores that I have been putting aside. Instead of living out that dream of a month on a beach in Bali, I've at least cleared the mess in my living room. I even put together a starter's pack for my first day of work - a Uniqlo tissue box just because I had some to spare, a charger for my not so power efficient mobile phone, a glass mug which has been with me since my first job in Singapore, and a daily devotional calendar which I got from my executive assistant last Christmas. I feel ready.

But what is probably more exciting is that my eldest son is getting his O Levels exams results tomorrow. The thrill of the unknown, the path that awaits, closure after many months of effort, but most of all thanksgiving for witnessing this milestone in his life. There are many hills, mountains and valleys in a person's life journey. This is that time where we all take a pause and thank God for keeping us in one piece even if there may have been some cuts and bruises along the way.

I miss the slightly chubby little boy that entered secondary school just four years ago. He was chatty, cheerful and loved food. He is still chatty but much more careful about what he should say to his parents I suspect. He's cheerful because he just got himself a fish tank yesterday but may not be so cheerful when he finds out that I've blogged about him. He still loves food but frequently considers the trade-off between the calories and how exquisite the food is. The now trim-fit jeans wearing teenager shuns fast food but drools over smelly cheeses. It's weird being a parent, you see the same child but yet completely different. Sometimes, even now, I find myself looking for that little Sec 1 boy. 

Whatever the outcome tomorrow, I wish him and his cohort a good day of celebrating a new milestone in their lives. I wish them loyalty to their friendships and continued morale support in their life journey. I wish them humility to learn and the confidence to try. I wish them faith to trust God in their decisions and difficult times - more that anyone else, their Creator loves them. God bless our children.

A Gift

Aside from chocolates, the only thing I got from our recent family holiday to Switzerland was a crucifix which I bought from a second-hand store next to the Brunig-Hasliberg railway station. Our small group tour was on its way from Interlaken to Lucerne and we wanted to make a quick toilet stop at the station. Someone wondered into the store and we ended up spending the next half an hour there.

I  was reluctant to enter the store. I only shop when I have something specific in mind and I didn't like the idea of seeing something interesting but too bulky to lug around for the remainder of the holiday without damaging it.  Next to the entrance of the store, I saw dusty books and what looked like VHS tapes which made me wonder whether the store had anything interesting to offer. But there was a few minutes to kill and it was more comfortable to be indoors away from the cold. Upon entering the store, I was surprised with how big it was considering that we seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. It had a wide variety of goods from small badges and pins to a full knight's armour. This was getting interesting.

The crucifix was laying flat on a table near the entrance and quickly caught my eye. I've often seen crucifix made fully of either wood or metal, but this one was slightly different. The cross was carved out of wood whilst the image of the crucified Christ was sculpted in metal. It was large - 24cm x 50cm. There was a small piece of masking tape stuck to the bottom of the cross with the price written on it - "22".  I held it up and looked around. I was genuinely confused. Such a beautiful artefact for CHF22 placed so close the entrance and nobody took interest in it? Was it really only 22 Francs?

I walked around the rest of the store to see if I could find something identical. This crucifix didn't have to be one-of-a-kind but I wanted to be sure it wasn't mass produced either. There were other crucifix but nothing similar.  I like the fact that it was second-hand, that it meant something to someone some time in the past. It made me think about why it may have been given away or sold to a second-hand store. What was the story behind the ownership of this cross? I decided to buy it.

I once told a bible study group that I sometimes wished I had something to visually remind me of the pain and the humility of Christ as he hung on the cross.  When the mind is confused and the heart anxious, the sight of the cross stops me on my tracks.  In His most defeated hour, the cross is a reminder of His promise "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". I thank God that He placed this crucifix with me to remind me of His grace.

Have a blessed new year ahead.

"There is no problem too big 
God cannot solve it
There is no mountain too tall
God cannot move it

There is no storm too dark
God cannot calm it
There is no sorrow too deep
He cannot soothe it

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know my brother that He will carry you
If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know my sister that He will carry you" 

~ Scott Wesley Brown

Christmas in Switzerland

We arrived in Switzerland about 2 weeks ago for a family vacation. We signed up for a small group tour with Tour 168 of Switzerland (www.tour168.ch) run by Mario and his Peranakan Singaporean wife Andrea. The itinerary and pace of the tour fit our family perfectly. With a teenage son and two very young kids, a large group tour would not have worked for us and I suspect we wouldn't have known what we may have missed if we did that. 

Being a country historically rooted in Christianity, there is at least one church in each village. These churches are visually stunning and they warm the senses when the bells toll. During this time of the year, there are no shortage of visual cues of Christmas. Blending in the seasonal markets and decorations with quintessential snow covered mountains, quaint villages and family fun in the snow it feels like we've jumped right into a series of Christmas greeting cards. You can't help but feel Christmassy.

Yet the first Christmas more than 2000 years ago was something that happened far away from Switzerland at the time of the year that probably wasn't quite as cold. Somewhere in the Middle East, in the little town of Bethlehem, "a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace". The claim is that God himself had come to us incarnate, that he may one day be a full and perfect living sacrifice to reconcile man to Himself. The claim is that God is able, willing and longing to dwell among us, and this was fulfilled with the birth of baby Jesus, witnessed by lowly shepherds "wrapped in cloths, lying in a manger". 

On our 2nd day in Zurich before we joined the tour, we visited the Christmas market at Bellevue located next to the lake. Whilst there we chanced upon a stall that was still under construction. It looked like a barn, with two donkeys and two goats feeding on hay. The stall was surrounded by families and kids reaching out to pet the animals. In one corner, was a man was carrying a lamb and offering it out to families for photo opportunities. My younger kids were very excited at the prospect of carrying the lamb but in the end they were too frightened so I ended up carrying it. I was surprised by how calm it stayed. It was warm and fluffy and had a gentle look in its eyes. At that moment, I was reminded of baby Jesus, who came as the lamb of God who came to " wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow".

Have a blessed Christmas. God is good.

No Apple Juice

This should be quite familiar to most parents with young kids. The kids squabble over something without an end in sight and I resort to telling them that the next person who opens his or her mouth will not receive a treat. If we are on our way to a restaurant, I would tell them that their apple juice is at stake. If they are on their way home, it would usually be their TV time. In many cases, the results are instantaneous. Thank God for the parental authority to withhold apple juice and TV time from screaming kids.

Last Sunday, we were on our way to the evening Communion Service in church. I can't remember what started the squabble this time but as usual it went on and on between the two younger kids. To end the fight, I wanted to tell them that whoever spoke next will not receive the bread and the grape juice, which they serve during Communion. Fortunately, I caught myself before I verbalised my thoughts and stuck to the apple-juice-for-dinner threat.

In that moment, it struck me once again how special the gift of the Communion is. In trying to correct the wrong and hopefully allow an important lesson to stick, I sometimes resort to withholding a treat or make the kids stand in the corner. When in the car, there are no isolating corners, so it has to be the former. But with God, when he saw the mess that we've created for ourselves, he responded with the Christmas plan. And Christmas bears its full meaning when it is seen in the light of Good Friday and Easter Sunday. When something needs forgiving and fixing, the gift of the Holy Communion reminds us that the deed is already done, and all we need to do is to receive it. What God has given, nobody can withhold.

In the season of Advent, I am reminded of the great hope that we have that one day God will right all our wrongs. On that day, we will finally understand that no form of human deprivation, whether it is terrorism, slavery, child-abuse or world hunger, can hold back God's love from prevailing. And until that day, we must try to live with hope and not despair, with care and not with indifference, with faith so that we are not caged in by fear. We must continue to strive to do good and when we fall short, allow the Communion meal to remind us that we are in good hands because God has it all covered.

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”(which means “God with us”).

                                                                                                                                  ~ Matthew 1: 22- 23

Life is Precious

A couple of days back, I watched a mini documentary produced by The Economist of a 24 year old woman seeking euthanasia. She has been suffering from depression since the age of three and constantly self-harmed. Under Belgium law, sufferers seeking euthanasia need to be evaluated by three mental health specialists over a period of time. In her case, the approval process took two years.

In her last meeting with the panel of specialists, the doctor who was to perform the procedure explained what would happen. On the day of her appointment, the doctor would go to her home at the agreed time. She would be given two injections. The first would cause her to lose consciousness upon which there will be no turning back for her. The second is a lethal injection which would terminate her life. She was advised my the panel that she should not feel afraid or feel ashame to stop the procedure at any point in time when she is still conscious. But her mind was made up - she was determined to end her agony.

I was reminded of the documentary this morning when we found several of the fishes in my son's aquarium had died overnight. The fishes which appeared active just yesterday have bellied up. Although tiny creatures, seeing their lifeless form reminded me how supernatural life really is. My mind played back on how vigorously these creatures swam and how beautifully they interacted with their surroundings. My mind dwelled on the fact that what was is now no more. Life can leave us suddenly but memories of that life skids on.

Fortunately, the documentary had an optimistic end. When the doctor arrived at the patient's home, they spoke. The patient eventually told the doctor that she would not go ahead with the procedure. When she felt that she had control over the decision to end her life, it lessened her desire to die. A sudden loss of a precious life was averted. The precious memories of that person lives on in her own being rather than being tragically cast out of her.

As I write this, I am also thinking about the tragedy that struck the city of Paris yesterday night. Hundreds lost their lives or were severely injured my bombs and gunmen who had no regard for the sanctity of life. Those who orchestrated this are mad men who have confused God with evil, martyrdom with hatred, and a lack of purpose with a higher calling.

God gave life to every creature He created. He made tear-ducts for days when we struggle in life. When we lose our grip on Him, He continues to cling on to us. He is compassionate rather than judgemental when people lose their way and their hope. And He will avenge the lives lost innocently to the schemes of evil men. Life is in the hands of our Creator.

Lookback

Facebook did a look back on some of the photos of my daughter which I posted a couple of years back. Bald, toothless and still slightly chubby then, she looked at people intensely. She still does that today - often when I am scrolling on my phone, she would press her face against mine and demand that I look at her. She isn't attention seeking, she just wants me to know that she ought to be the centre of my attention.  

Children are amazing. They start off being part of your wife, two heartbeats but a single ecosystem. Formed in her innermost being, my wife still sees the children as her appendages forcibly separated by the obstetrician on their day of delivery. Although the children are of us, they are their own. Although we brought them into being, we can't dictate how their lives unfold. They are mysterious beings, full of surprises. It is their unpredictability that triggers laughter, tears, and many other emotionally charged moments. 

The kids have given me insights into my life and how it relates to God. For a start, no man or woman can claim that such intricate gifts are crafted by human hands. Multitude of living cells and connections set in place with utmost precision time and time again. In ancient words, God set into existence the biology of reproduction and He made us and all of nature participants in this great orchestra of life. There is a creator God who weaves each child in their mother's womb. 

Life follows a linear timeline ticking on second by second. Whether we are present in that second or not, it passes us by. Many times, valuable lessons were overlooked and significance moments were not captured in my heart. The workings of the Great Almighty's hands were missed out by my eyes that can only see what is physically visible. But the experiences with my kids have been opportunities to revisit these moments. They have awaken my consciousness to the realities of the past previously hidden. Placed in the parent's seat, I am acutely aware of my limitations and God's providence. His grace is indeed sufficient for His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

As one who believes that I am a created being, I know that whatever good I am capable of is merely an echo of my Creator. No servant is greater than his Master. When I act in love and kindness toward my kids, I am but drawing from God's great warehouse. Whether it is wisdom, courage, compassion, determination or humility, I am a common tap to God's reservoir. And through the relationship with my kids, the eyes of my heart can vividly see my Father's relationship with me. I see that His heart is warm, that He longs to be understood, and He has made big sacrifices for me. 

He too occasionally looks back to when I was a bald toothless child with great delight. 

Father and Son

Last Sunday, on our way home with my second son, he told me that he would take care of me when I am old. And only after I die would he get married. I explained that grown ups don't have to wait for their parents to pass on before they got married. I also told him that when he gets married he would have a home of his own. He said that in that case he would come by to visit me and to give me some pocket money. I don't know what triggered this conversation but it does seem like he has included me in his future plans. This isn't an unusual conversation that young kids have with their parents but it is nevertheless heartwarming to see such thoughtfulness.

It is especially heartwarming because only two days before we had a big disagreement. Yes a forty-something can have big disagreement with his very young son. It wasn't a fight - it was him disagreeing with me quietly, and me disagreeing with him more forcefully. He brought a letter home from school informing us that he has been selected to participate in a non-academic school programme. I was pleasantly surprised because we were not aware that the school was making the selection but it made a lot of sense because he does seem to display natural talent in that particular area. Also to my surprise, he wasn't at all keen on participating in that programme. He refused to tell me the reason for his aversion and was in tears when I probed. 

In situations like these, a father has to make a decision whether to be understand and give in to his son or to give him a firm nudge to try something that would be good for his personal development and likely to be enjoyable if he gave it a chance. If I nudged, would it be because I was a Asian Tiger Dad expecting my kids to live out my expectations of them? There wasn't a Dragon Mom on my side on this matter so I was going in alone. The Tiger Dad nudged and the Pangolin curled up in self-defence. Without much success, I signed the form indicating that he would be participating in the programme and asked him to decide what he wanted to do with the form. Then I went to my room desperately hoping that he would change his mind.

I am not sure what changed his mind but he did. He told me when I asked him the next morning. Glad that he did but I still felt the need to tell him that I was disappointed with his initial response. This was me reinforcing the point that Daddy is almost always right! I not sure if he was convinced but he was as usual very gracious to his father. I gave him a hug and we went about having a good weekend.

Only time will tell whether as a father I made the right calls or took the right approach with my kids. The perfect parenting book suited for the specific parent-child pair has yet to be written so I am flying blind even though there were many mistakes to learn from the experiences with my first son. But I wholeheartedly believe that fathers have a role to play in nudging their kids out of their comfort space. Kids have amazing potential in them and fathers can't always play Mr Softee. In the meantime, it is reassuring to know that my son still plans his future with me in it.

Simple Truths

Kids have a way of reminding their parent of the simple truths in life. A couple of days back my second son reminded us that I should make him a Children's Day card because he's made cards for us on special occasions. He's right, love and kind acts should be reciprocated. And so I made the kids a colourful card. This evening as we were sharing a slice of strawberry cheesecake to celebrate the occasion, he pointed out that adults don't laugh as much as children do. He gave examples of things that he laughed about over the last  two days and even demonstrated the different ways he laughed. Twisting his face, he said we both have serious faces. Again he's probably right, kids have far more funny bones.

My daughter loves to squash her face on mine and ask me in a make-pretend angry tone "Do you love me or not?" Funny yet profound because that in essence is what we all look for in life, to know that we are well loved by those we love. Occasionally she would ask me "Are you happy or sad?", as if I were lying on her psychotherapy couch. The truth is whatever I am preoccupied with I could afford to look unmistakably happier.

We can get locked up in our learnt behaviours losing sight of what life ought to be. Our kids sometimes play our younger selves asking us whether we have lived up to the simple rules in life - love a lot and be happy.

Happy Children & Youth Day to my kids and to all the kids out there.

Gun Land

Another mass shooting, this time in Oregon. A 26 year old man walked into the classroom in a community college, shot the professor point blank and then proceeded to attack the students. Apparently he asked those who were Christians to stand up before he shot them.

The violence ended with 10 dead. I looked up a LA Times article which sets out the timeline for the deadliest mass shootings in the US between 1984 and 2015. There were two year-to-date, two each in 2013-2014 and six in 2012. In total there were 32 in those 21 years, averaging more than one a year. But when I looked at another website that came up from my search there were many more cases that didn't make it into LA Times deadliest list. The US is the mass shooting capital of the world and the country, in Obama's words, is numb to it. A nation that goes to war in foreign lands to defend democracy has no resolve to confront this serious epidemic in its home front.

This tragic and senseless murder reminds me of a group discussion on Freedom that I sat in a couple of years back. What is Freedom and what it is not? Is it the license to do whatever you wish however you wish? This is a question that the Land of the Brave and the Home of the Free needs to ask itself more of. A nation that is paralysed by politicians who are far more concerned about maintaining the support from the NRA than doing protecting the lives of its citizens.  A shameful form of democracy that is advocating the use of guns for self-defence against gun violence.

That Bible study session reminded us that laws are established to protect the community from harm - a freedom from harm. Freedom is about being free to do good. Intellectuals will ask how is good define? Good from who's perspective? Valid and philosophical but absolutely irrelevant to the gun issue. Freedom is not freedom if it destroys families. Good is when the government takes control to protect students from premeditated murder. Those who died so innocently aren't just statistics. They call into account the inaction of those who who were elected to protect freedom.

Love and Hope

I have been following Human of New York's recent feature on the Middle Eastern refugees seeking asylum in Europe. Stories of despair and stories of people holding on although they have already lost too much. People who had to make a decision whether to take a chance with an overcrowded boat or stay behind to face their children's slaughter. People who have so little yet taken advantage of by human traffickers. What prepares people to face such trauma? What gives them strength to hope? How can they recover?

A couple of days back as I was reading the latest HONY post, Like I Going To Lose You came over the radio.  The song speaks of the same fragility that these refugees are face with. I wondered whether they had the chance to love that one final time before their love was lost. I wondered whether they would have gone ahead to love if they foresaw the cards life death them. Life can be so raw.

I know of friends who question if it is right to bring children into such a dangerous world. Isn't it a selfish and irresponsible act? I have also asked similar questions before parenthood came my way. The truth is that it is a form of self-indulgence and yes parents do take the risks that their children's lives may be full of challenges. But life and love is compelling. Life leads us to love, and love leads us to hope.

There is hope when families cling on to each other even if they lose everything else. The  memories of their love and sacrifices for each other give hope and builds faith for others who read their stories. Such hope frustrates oppressors and hate-mongers. Like lanterns, their hope lights up the darkest path for them to journey on through uncertain times, even if they are left behind by their loved ones.

Our love echoes God. Love and hope defeats hatred, selfishness, indifference and fear.

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.  ~ Job 33:4 

Clear Days Ahead?

I am sitting next to the swimming pool as my son runs off for his swimming lesson and my daughter plays at the side of the pool. There is a lovely breeze and the air seems clear for the first time in many days. It feels like a heavy shroud has been lifted and everyone is outdoors to make the most of it. A group of residence are doing their tai-chi to the tune of Love in the First Degree even! And I have never been happier sitting in the sun.

Just two days ago the family was trapped indoors in what looked like post-apocalyptic Singapore. To kill time I was trying to blog about it. The 3 hour Pollutant Standards Index (PSI) at that time was 125, an Unhealthy range and climbing as the hours past. The smog was stinging the eyes and my nose tingled from the allergen. From my living room window the visibility was very poor, roads and public areas were deserted. The Straits Times reported that the haze could be with us until November partly due to the dry spell brought about by El Nino. The thought was so distressing I couldn't get myself to finish the blogpost. I clicked Delete.

On most days everything in Singapore seems to tick along to our Majulah precision. A global city with fabulous skyline, world class recreation facilities, and an exciting culinary scene. We are a services hub and innovation meeting point predicated on stability, efficiency, high quality of life and inclusiveness. These intangibles are a result of strategic planning which in itself is an intangible. Without natural resources and a sufficient land mass, we are as vulnerable as egg shells. Without strategic thinkers our fate as a nation is like shifting sand or this oppressive haze - good one day and disastrous on another.

The winds of change just slightly up north of our city state is a stark reminder that progress and credibility built over half a century can be suddenly shrouded in hazardous haze. A man who counts himself beyond the law is inciting racial hatred to shield himself from an impending downfall. The red t-shirt Himpunan Rakyat Bersatu (United Citizens Rally) were clearly suffering from confused identity when they went out on the streets on Malaysia Day freely chanting racist slurs. They would have seemed less cowardice had they been more upfront in calling themselves Himpunan Rakyat Satu Kaum Sahaja. Nazism would have been quite fitting as well. There is a rampage on its currency and the country's rating. Yet typical of most crazed regime, the leadership has responded with incoherent rhetoric. The free falling currency is good for exports it seems.

The annual haze quagmire is a more direct evidence of our vulnerability. Outright burning coupled with natural forest fires during the dry season wrecks havoc in the region. Our plea for action and offer to help drew fury and indignation amongst some senior government officials who lost sight of the fact that the local inhabitants are asphyxiating in a toxic soup with the PSI hitting 1900. Diplomacy and regional cooperation is forgotten when it matters most, replaced with stubborn refusal to acknowledge the real problem. 

The sub-100 PSI today seems to be holding up to my surprise. I am even cautiously optimistic that this could mark the end of the haze season. But somewhere in my mind I know that this is probably only a temporary change in the wind directions and we are not entirely out of the woods just yet. This to me is a constant reminder of the vulnerabilities we face. We need to continuously sustain our resilience as a single people, never falling for sweet naming euphemisms to hide possible fractures in our society. We must call out issues where they exist and work single-mindedly to resolve them before they become a chasm in our society.

Gifts from Heaven

I haven't thought about this for some time now but just over the last few days I spoke about it twice. I am actually a father of five. 

The large age gap between the two boys is accounted for by two babies that didn't get through their first trimester. Baby 3 was a girl. We found out because the doctor suggested that we run some tests to see if there were any genetic related issues that led to the two miscarriages. Over the years, when I speak to friends who go through the roller-coaster of starting a family, where appropriate, I share this with them. 

Becoming a parent is a gift. And like a gift, it is not a certainty. In fact nothing about this gift is known with certainty. Some couples have difficulty conceiving, others face many heart-stopping moments. Which is why even when the entire pregnancy goes smoothly, there is a sigh of relief at the end. Bringing kids into existence is a phenomenon that is so full of complexities that it is, in a literal sense, a miracle. The sight of a new born is a whisper from God that He exists and He is handing over to you someone precious.

We had to wait many years before our second boy arrived. During that pregnancy, the doctor asked us on many occasions to run the routine test for down-syndrome. We decided against it because we wanted to have the child regardless.The doctor, who was doing his part in being a responsible physician, was concerned for us. The decision wasn't one made out of chivalry or religious fervency but the acceptance that such gifts come in many forms. 

Earlier this week, one of my friends said that she didn't believe in an after-life. I told her I did and that I long to see my two other kids when I get to the other side. As much as I believe in God's gift of life, I also believe in His means of grace to get me there. What a treat it would be to see those two.

I was reminding my younger son today not to tease his sister. As I was emphasizing to him that she is his only sister, I realised that that wasn't quite so true. So I corrected myself by telling him about the two siblings before him. He found that interesting and verified what I told him with mommy. When he came back he asked whether he could have another sibling. I told him I am too old to consider having another child, but really in my mind I felt contented with my five special gifts. 

Pilgrimage

Earlier this week I thought about rounding up my closest secondary school friends for a... well I thought about what I should call it... a pilgrimage. I say round them up, but there is really only two of them. It wouldn't be a novel idea by any measure whether in real life or in the movies. Not quite sure why this idea has only occurred to me now. 

There were four of us from the same class and we ended up on the school waterpolo team. Countless hours spent in the pool and we travelled together for many out of state competitions. In our last year we came up first place in the interstate school competition. Those years were awesome. We each went on our separate ways after secondary school and eventually settled in different countries. And then our lives as friends seem to have just fast forwarded - you could probably condense all the touch points in the last 20 odd years into a couple of months. 

One passed away about ten years back. A rebel living on as a legend. The rest of us living out our forty-something lives without too many surprises I think. We each have 3 kids - pooled together there are 4 boys and 4 girls, ranging from a 17 year old to a newborn. We meet each other one on one maybe once a year. These tend to be quick updates from where we last left off - what are the kids up to, how is work, any new hobbies. The last time all three of us met up was probably about 4 years back at a wedding. This just screams for a pilgrimage doesn't it? I don't want to meet them next at someone's funeral.  

Sure sign of being a forty-something? Maybe it is about wanting to be a kid again? Or a way to travel to places our families just wouldn't think of going? Maybe for me it is about starting another ritual just like how I have embarked on blogging. Maybe it is all these things put together. Maybe long time friends remind you that some things haven't changed all these years; that you have survived being yourself. Maybe they reveal to you what the raw elements that make you who you are so that you can figure out the next step forward.

Time to make some calls.

Another Milestone

My daughter agreed to go to Sunday School his morning. The conditions were that I would accompany her and that she could bring her pink owl bag along. A big step for her but made easier by the fact that my second son started Sunday School earlier this year. As we were leaving for church, my son said that he was very proud of his sister. He voiced out my thoughts exactly.

On the way there my son explained to her that they would not be in the same class. I held my breath because that could well be a deal-breaker for her. But she didn't make a fuss. My son who wanted to have more involvement in her new experience. He asked if he could bring her to class but we were already late arriving at church so we dropped him off in class first. He gave his sister a kiss to wish her well.

My daughter adjusted well in class. She followed the actions to the worship songs and responded to the questions asked by her teacher. It was slightly confusing for her that the class assistant had the same name as her elder brother. She enjoyed storytime and was pleased to receive a colouring booklet, stickers and a file with her own name on it. 

The only fuss was on the way to lunch when her brother said that her class name "was weird". She took offence to him, protesting that her brother had said that her "class name was stupid". I didn't even know she knew that weird could imply to something being stupid. Mommy told the boy not to say anything if he didn't have anything nice to say. I think he found it odd that the class name wasn't related to something spiritual like Love, Joy or Peace. Instead, it was a cartoon character.

Another milestone for my daughter and for me. She believes in God but she does not yet understand the Christian faith in full. Well I guess I too am on a lifelong journey to understand my Christian faith in its full richness. But if she has enough confidence to stand her ground when somebody says that her faith is weird then that is a good place to be. I just have to make sure she is less sensitive to comments about class names.  There are too many influences that can steal a child's dignity and values from them at a very young age. It is important for her to know that she is precious regardless of what this world says about her, and that she is wonderfully made when the world around her suggests that she ought to feel inadequate about herself. Believing that she has God's love is a great place to start.

Majority at Work

We learn from a very young age not to be sore losers. Whatever the outcome, you are not supposed to throw a tantrum and definitely no name calling. Unless the game was rigged, the winner won it fair and square. Be gracious because it would otherwise look very bad on you. Simple lesson which we all try to pass on to our kids. 

My  youngest still can't help herself at times though - not winning any rounds of Uno can be too much to handle. Large grains of tears would swell up in her eyes as she tries to keep her emotions in. She would pout and her breathing gets shallower. And often it is when I try to console her that she would let out her loud distressing cry. Being a man of principles, I would remind her in the gentlest way possible, usually hugging her tight, that there will always be a winner and loser. Sometimes, my second son would also try to reassure her that it is okay that he's won.

The whole family stayed up late last night to watch the live news coverage of the General Elections results. I was rather surprised that all the kids took so much interest in it. My second son had the most questions - how many PMs will there be, why do the number of seats won by PAP increase so much after an announcement, what do the winners do after they win. One question he asked which I found particularly interesting was whether the parties that did not win would feel angry. I am not sure why, I told him that they would not feel angry but they would be disappointed. I thought about it this morning and I think it may have been that I wanted them to understand that disappointment rather than anger was the right emotions to have in such situations. 

What I think I should have done perhaps is to explain to my kids that there was a rare exception where the losing candidate lashed out in anger and blamed voters for their incompetence. He claimed that he had a better economic plan and a better manifesto and that "all this is is a mandate for authoritarianism and brainwashing". He implied that Singaporeans were mindless individuals under the control of the Government and that we were no different to North Korea and the Chinese Communist Party. He berated "I guess Singaporeans get the Government they deserved. I don't want to hear anymore complaints".  What was most unfortunately was that he spoke as if he wasn't a Singaporean, but rather a foreign candidate trying to teach the rest of us what democracy ought to be. Kenny didn't even take the time to thank all those who did vote and support his party. Sadly this was missing in most of the interviews with the parties that lost. Sadly too that many of these candidates did not talk about respecting the choice of the people. 

Whatever our views and whoever we voted for, we ought to be proud we allowed democracy to arrive at a decision. The outcome is the voice of the majority and that is the beauty of this system. People who chose the incumbent are not mindless nor irresponsible nor cowards. Whether you are rich or poor, whatever your race or religion, whatever your vocation in life, you are entitled to your one vote. We should be very proud that in this country, there are no concerns about vote-rigging and phantom voters, nor heightened risks of post-elections riots. We should be proud that we are a diverse nation with diverse views but can arrive at an important decision in a respectful and dignified manner. One people with one heart.

Phobia

I hurt my back two years ago and at that time the doctor sent me for an MRI. I wasn't unfamiliar with the procedure. A couple of years back, my father had an MRI  and his doctor asked him whether he wished to be accompanied. I was somewhat surprised that he said yes. So the next day I brought my father to the radiology department for his appointment and the MRI technician gave both of us instructions on what to do and what not to do. My role was simple - I was to hold on to my father's leg just to reassure him that I was there. After the procedure, I felt certain that he needed me there yet I hadn't fully appreciated why.

On the day when I had to go for my own MRI appointment, I didn't think too much about it. I did the registration, answering a long list of questions including whether I had a tattoo or implants. After I had completed the form, the nurse ran through her checklist with me repeating some of the questions on the form I had filled. She explained the rationale for some of her questions, for instance reminding me that magnets and metals have a natural attraction. Then came the question "Are you claustrophobic?" I had responded "Yes" on the form but I thought it was a rather odd question because I wasn't sure of the difference it would have made since this procedure was necessary.  Anyway, I confirmed with the nurse that I had low level claustrophobia. She said they would give me a headphone so that I could listen to music. I wasn't sure how much that would help but what's the harm.

I changed into a patient gown. Sat opposite me was another man waiting for his turn and he seemed pretty relaxed, texting on his phone. Then there was a lady who approached the registration desk to ask what alternatives her daughter had other than an MRI. In her North Indian accent, she explained that her teenage daughter was claustrophobic and there was no way she would be able to undergo the procedure. She asked whether her daughter could be given GA. The nurse explained that patients needed to be conscious as they have to respond to instructions during the procedure. The nurse said that she could consider a CT Scan but responsibly explaining to her the disadvantages of that procedure. I can't remember the rest of the conversation, partly because it made me think whether I had under-estimated my fear of enclosed space. I scanned the waiting area for signs of other anguished patients, but none seemed more anxious as how I was starting to feel. It got worse the more I thought about it. Was the chamber wall going to be 2 feet away from my face or 2 inches? I've seen it on TV and the cavity is like the eye of a needle. What if I had a bad itch, like the ones I am starting to develop?  The rational takes over the over-confidence. Is there an escape? 

After what seemed like a long wait, it was my turn. Noting that I had declared myself to be claustrophobic she asked me whether I would prefer to wear a sleep mask. I was slightly confused - how would being blindfolded help to eliminate the fear of not being able to move, breath, be heard, be seen and to see? It didn't occur to me at that time, but I should have asked if I could test going into the chamber with the sleep mask. Anyway, I decided against the sleep mask. She told me what to expect - it will take about an hour and there will be some knocking sound, but I should not move unless I hear instructions to do so, from her not from myself. She then asked me if I was ready and I reluctantly said yes.

There was a swoosh sound, much like a DVD player, as the platform transported my body into the MRI chamber. It moved a lot faster than I had expected. I hadn't had enough time to transition from the empty zen-like room into this isolation capsule, nor had I had the chance to clear my throat a final time before I had to immobilise myself for a good long hour. I immediately asked the technician to get me out of the chamber. She must have seen this a thousand times before so she was very polite about it. After a minute or so, she asked me whether I was ready to have another go at it. I mustered enough courage for a nod.

I remembered praying for calm and peace as I entered the chamber the second time. I closed my eyes and prayed for all the anxiety to leave my body and that God's presence will be with me. I moderated my breathing and adjusted my sense of space around me. The technician did a sound check and the fact that we could communicate with each other was somewhat reassuring. Soon, I settled down and the rest of the session went by fairly quickly. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined it to be. But it left me with this very raw impression of how death and dying may be like. Isolating and completely out of my control. Once they put you in, they don't pull you out again. The only thing that makes enclosed space fearful is that I can't get myself out and I think I will have to be there for a long time time. Death seems deadly claustrophobic.

Many outcomes conjured by our imagination are not real, but the sensation of fear, although irrational, is very real. And then there are many outcomes that we had been fearful of that turns out to be real. Life can be full of hard knocks, unpredictable. False alarms and our active imagination have a way of asking us the "what if" and the "when if" questions in life. I learnt that for me, I can only overcome real fear with a sense of God's presence - that He is interested in my life and has made a claim on it, and that He is in my boat and will get me across to the other side of the lake.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  ~ Psalm 139: 7 - 13

 

Cooling-Off Day

Finally the hustings have come to an end. Frankly I have found the past week exhausting even though my only involvement has been to tune into the very passionate conversations between friends and colleagues and running through social media sound bites. I spoke to myself a lot, rolled my eyes until I induced a headache, and laughed out loud at some of the goofy political gaffes. I found myself playing the role of an economist in my head at times, and public relations specialist on others.

I could have done rather well coaching some of the candidates on the do's and dont's of hustings. Don't use old school analogies about any kind of ships, don't focus too hard on the opposing party that you end up shouting support for them, don't spend precious air time talking about who walked the block and who cycled through. Always remember that a calm disposition and a balanced view give others the impression that you speak out of experience rather than exasperation. Try not to speak like the army because we are not under martial law. Try not to dangle carrots or your bravado because it is like screaming "shoot me". Try to rehearse your speech and FAQs with highly critical people so that they can save you from bad press.

The Cooling-Off day tomorrow makes a lot of sense. It is a break from all our emotions and allows us to defuse our impulsive thoughts. The vote should not be an emotional response but an objective, measured action only to be taken after careful deliberation. I've now heard both sides of the story yet it is not about taking sides, because each tells a different side of the true Singapore. I may think that another person's perception is inaccurate, but whatever that person's perception, that is his or her truth. Both sides have presented their reality and the question is who can best balance those needs. Who will be willing to accept the harsh feedback received and do something productive with it. Who will focus less on the division between Singaporeans and work on ways to unite them. There is a Cantonese saying "The palm is flesh, the back of the hand is also flesh". Who will take this attitude when they act of behalf of Singapore?

Time to cool-off and consider what is most important to Singapore. If I had two wishes it would be first,  stability and security. The financial meltdown in Greece, the sharp devaluation of the yuan and the regional currencies, and the growing threat of terrorist and hackers are just examples of complex issues that a government needs to guard against. This requires strategic thinking, careful planning and precise execution. Singapore will lose its relevance if it can't maintain stability and its safety. 

Second, a gracious society. Sounds waffly, but what exactly do we live for if everything we ever do is just for ourselves. We need to break out of our WIIIFM (What-is-it-in-for-me) cocoon and became far more beautiful WCIDTMUB (What-can-I-do-to-make-us-better) creatures. You can clearly tell I made that acronym up on-the-fly. This comes from a broader based education that helps our kids have a better grasp of what success is. If we remain a WIIIFM society, nothing will ever be enough for us because we will never see other people's success as something that is worth celebrating and something that we can aspire towards. A gracious society helps us to see things from the perspective of the greater good of the society.

Hope you have a cool polling day.